TDoR 2015

I remember that back when I was in High school in El Salvador back to 2006 I was being who I was without shame of being afraid. High School to me was a little paradise where I could be free with my sexuality and incredible nobody will judge me about it. Most of my classmates knew me for years or since kinder garden so it was like if we were family...even if we didn't agree on many aspects we would respect that.

A gay and a lesbian being besties.....how wonderful. We didn't know any other queer at school or in our hometown, it was so fun to be 14 and not knowing anybody queer but do know who we were. I remember the conversations about how we were together in kindergarten and how she came to my 5yo birthday party and how we always knew who we were.
We had a diva friend that his name was Maurice and he used to do drag and go to the capital and dress as a girl, we all respected him. Maurice rocked and was fun to hang with. Little by little Raven and me used to be more confident with who we were, since we were like the "queer punks" of the prom, nobody ever messed with us because of our sexuality, in fact we used to be friends with almost everyone.
One day she decided to tell her mom, idea that freaked the shit out of me because I never came out....because my journal outed me two years before I started highschool when my mom and dad read it. So I knew that her mom would freak out but maybe not in the same way that mines did due to the fact she wasn't religious. But still she did freaked out, I was there for her but we remain being bestfriends during high school, after we graduated and on my first years of college. She used to visit me at my college campus and we used to hang out while I waited for my next class or after college. She started to hang out more with queer folks than me because she had more free time than me, so it was understandable that I passed to a second degree. But I still remember one day she looked so shocked and I asked her what was the matter, it was just 4 months after high school ended. Maurice was found dead, ha had been stone, bashed, raped and finally killed. Of course his murder was on the news papers....."Un transvesti asesinado" (A murdered trasvesti). A case was never opened. We then realized that our high school sanctuary was over and that the real world hated us even if they said they were ok with us. One of us dead. I felt weird.

I didn't stop myself from wanting to be free. I moved to the capital and met more friends who were queers my same age (which it was 17 by then). I have met some of the friends that I still keep in touch since then......and others that have met the same fate as Maurice. The last one I remember was stabbed and left to dead in a public transportation.....a case (again) was never open.
I came to the US running away from the reality that regular Salvadorans citizen in my country go through day by day, but to be Salvadoran AND Queer...is a double threat. If you don't live on the privileged bubble of society you can always be touched by the bloody cruel inhuman reality that every Salvadoran lives every day and be killed and be forgotten and just be another number and literally be FORGOTTEN.

To live with all this freedom or maybe just the normal life for many first world country citizens was finally a true privilege that I was able to finally enjoy. Walk in the streets without fear (even tho I am in NYC) but being able to see my own LGBQIPGNC community being free and walking fearless. I started to volunteer with the Anti Violence Project of NYC because I have always wanted to do more for my community and what a best way to do it.
Of course my mind started to expand and to learn more and more and more that you get to a point that your mind and heart can't take a step back because this is who you are now, and you are an aware being.
And I realized that as a Non-binary and Queer I was good and I was not alone. As well meeting more folks with same and different identities and personalities, so lovely. At the same time I started to realize of how our Sisters and Brother with Trans Experience were facing more visibility as a few celebrities were coming out and starting their evolution, how eyes were on them, on a community that most of the time was being ignored even within the community.
I was now aware how many sisters and brothers were murdered just because of the fact that they were being and living under their own terms. I started to realized that trans murders in countries like mine were not being even counted as a number, that the number would never be accurate since the authorities and politicians didn't and won't take care of it since they won't say it on your face but LGBTQIPGNC lives do not matter as much as "normal" lives....since "normal" lives are not even being taken care of....they will probably just laugh at your face or tell you "yeah we care" and then file your petition for.... maybe forever?
It gives me so much rage to know that the world we live in is full of so much IRRATIONAL violence that is killing so many innocent lives and beautiful human beings just for who they are.
What have we done?
BEING?
I still remember the firs time I heard the poem by Assata Shakur:

"It is our duty to fight for our freedom. 
 It is our duty to win. 
 We must love each other and support each other. 
 We have nothing to lose but our chains." 

I read this everyday that I am feeling defeated, because it reminds me I have to fight for myself and I have to do a change for my community and that I have to stand up and keep this fight for those like me who doesn't have a voice anymore or those who haven't found theirs yet.

WE AS HUMANITY. Have a moral responsibility in our shoulders and we have to keep fighting for what is good and for those lives that matters, because yes as all lives matters we have to fight more for those who are unprivileged and for those who are a minority within a minority.....let's remember that we are all one, and that we are fighting for our EQUALITY within the real world. We want to stop dying for not being a privileged straight male or because we do not fir the patriarchal rules and society.
We have to fight for justice to be brought to every one of our sisters and brothers that have been murdered and we have to bring awareness, respect and acceptance from those who doesn't understand to those that keep living and fighting every day. Because we just want to live and have full rights as citizens of this world, and live happily under our own standards without disrespecting anyone for being who we are, because it is our life and our right to live under our own terms.

Trans Lives Matter.

We must stand together and keep walking and stop fearing because the fight will continue, until we reach equality for all of us.

Love,

Mario.

Human

I feel like if I'm going to break

But I'm not even cracked

Is just the feeling

The pressure
Of being
Doing

Aspiring

Dreaming
Wandering

Things that brings me down a bit
but 

Then
I look back 

And I'm not even close
To who I was before

Or where I was

Life has changed me so much

I have become so much

But I remain being my essence
That child that loves to smile
The man who loves so strong that hurts
The boy who loves to play
The person who has happiness and joy to share
The man that loves melancholy
The boy that cries sometimes
The child that gets hurt
The person who sobs but keeps walking
The human
That is stronger than the past 

That used to be weak, fragile and dark

Now....There are only remains of those blurry days

Remains that come back
To the surface when
The memories of the past flourish sometimes

But I'm not that person anymore

I am vulnerable yes. 

But I am not weak nor broken anymore. 

I am and I exist and I live
I stand up for myself now. 

I do have moments as everyone else

And I am accepting the simple fact. 

That I am fucking human too. 

:) 

Baking

I am baking
And I'm thinking about you
And I'm thinking about me
And I'm thinking about this.
I'm in a committed relationship with myself since a few years already.
It was very hard to develop it because I think that loving myself was hard to do.
And I'm finally coming to terms that working in yourself is a great investment of your time and your will.
But also I have learned and come to terms that this relationship with me is a never ending cycle that need to be prioritized because in order to love someone else....yes, I have to love myself.
But is hard. Because I want you.
And I desire you.
And I still think of you in my mornings and in my nights.
I think on how much happiness will give me to try to make you happy and please you and make love to you and with you.
And how awesome could be being equals together.
But......life so many times doesn't give us what we want but what we need.

For now I'm still emotional invested with you....because unfortunately you are fucking worth it.....but it seems that is very unfortunate that we are both not standing in the same universe for now.
But I do have feelings for you.
And maybe will always have.
We will be living in a city of millions and in this concrete jungle so even if I just see you once at year or in the subway as two random people who smile at each other...my heart will probably beat for you a little bit.
This my nature. I am.
I just finished baking.
So

Baking

Warmth,

Orlando

Do you homophobes?

I wonder every day how can those people live with themselves every day of their existence with so much hate, with fear, with ignorance and with the own conscientiousness.
Have you lost your heart, your conscious side, your humanity?
How does it feel to be you?
What are you missing?
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HATE?

Do you think that we choose this?
Do you think that we decided to be killed just for being?
That we see ourselves being killed around the world every day.....every time a LGTQ brother or sister dies out there just because they are living?!
Do you think that is a fucking option to live in a world full of fucking hate like this?
Do you think is our CHOICE to tell our parents our truth and to be ashamed and be called an abomination?
Do you think is fun to be pushed to the train while you are waiting for your commute and be killed because you "looked" fag?
Do you think is OK to ask someone are you nervous by standing next to them while you are just grabbing some water?
Do you think is fucking OK to tell someone they have to man up or get a beat up so they can become the man they are supposed to be?
Do you think is disgustingly OK to stoned a woman to death or to rape her to become a "real" woman?
DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE OK?
Do you fucking think we choose to face assholes like YOU every fucking day?
Do you think that telling someone "You are taking this gay thing to far" is OK?
Do you fucking think you are being a "supportive" friend by telling someone you are OK with them being LGBTQ as long as they don't' behave like "it" in front of them? Are you fucking kidding?
DO you think is ALRIGHT to be the one who discriminates?
Do you think is OK to be this asshole you are and once you have kids to be their first fucking bully?
Do you think is ok to think you have the power to take someone's life because you are not ok what we do with OUR body, heart and mind?
DO YOU?

Worthy

The only problem when you know how worthy you are is that 

You know what you deserve. 

You know who is worth your heart. 

You know who is worth your love. 

It does not mean 

They want the same from you. 

It does not mean their heart belong somewhere else. 

It does not mean that their heart is being taken care of. 

It does not mean much. 

It was easy when I had no idea I was worth. 

The ones who are worth……are not seeking to be valued.

Melancholy I invoke you again

Please flourish again

You are my best state

Where I feel and I do not. 

Where I refrain 

Where my sexual needs 

Are not my heart needs 

So I can stop looking for love

So It can be filled by touch and lust

Even tho is just an illusion 

It feels good when 

I am not 

When I become unaware of my nature

I need to stop 

Because happiness makes me want more

And I become weak

Become

I feel for that one that I want 

Is not a two way 

Maybe it is

But they do not want to let go

I might be here

I shall stop now.

Colder

I was aware this was a possibility.
I don't know all the words for poems.
I don't know how to be.
I don't even know if I will ever be ready.
I just know that I care now.
And that I am emotionally involved
Even if you never were.
I will be better.
I saw it coming.
I don't know why.
But I did.
You weren't involved the same way.
And that is ok.
Just hurts.
A little but it does.
I care for you
And although might not be romantically anymore....
I'm happy to know about your existence.
I do.
I'm happy I liked you
You will do so much.
Just keep walking
And persevere.
I'll be fine.
I always come through.

Support

I have my own story.
I won't write about it this time.
I don't want to make it about me.
I want to take the time to honor my brothers and sisters within the LGBTQ community.

You runaway from circumstances, where your life has been endangered and where you just look forward to survive and eventually to start living. True, every experience is different for every individual, what causes me trauma might cause you nothing. What causes me pleasure, might be your pain. What triggers me might not do it to you.

I decided to support and help my community because I am aware that we need it as much help we can receive and give because even tho we are moving forward in equality there is a humongous fight to keep to accomplish full human rights equality.

On my first meeting with the immigration support group I cried, I told my story and I felt safe with a group of individuals that I had no fucking idea who they were or if I was ever going to see again. But I for the first time felt embraced and safe to be me, to think and to express as I truly am. Everyone embraced me and acknowledge my life and gave me love.

Then she spoke.

"I am from Jamaica. My family doesn't talk to me, they banish me from talking to anyone from my family. I have been bullied all my life for something I didn't understand before until I understood I was a woman and that I had been born with male anatomy. I freaked out and I seek for help and warmth from my mother. I told her. She told my dad. I was bashed for the first time in my life that day. I was sent to therapy conversion. They locked me down and I was being hit every time that a ' 'girl' mannerism would be noticed by anyone.
At the age of 15 I was being abused by my uncle and never said anything. I shut down at school, and I tried to not speak to anyone so my 'girl' behavior wouldn't be noticed by no one. By the age of 16 all what I thought was dead. I felt flat, no emotions and I just wanted it to be over. A guy was set on fire and killed in the streets the other day because he was caught buying nail polisher....it was for his girlfriend, but they assumed he was gay. If I get to die, at least I wanted to do it in my own terms. I met someone at school, she started to talk to me out of nowhere, how could she talk to someone like me, she was popular....unlike me. She said 'I know what you are and what you are going through, let's be friends and nobody will know, we can pretend, we can have our backs'. My mom find out about my 'girlfriend'. See everything is being normal now, your demons are going away.....she said. After a year, her dad find her with her girlfriend naked in her room. He killed them both. Then everyone knew about me, apparently she had a journal and she wrote about our agreement. I knew what was going to happen, and I felt fear, because for the first time in years I realized that I wanted to live. I was 18 already. I had my tourist visa. My parents were not home, I broke to their room, I took my necessary papers, I took my savings, I took a cab, and I went to the airport. I didn't know what I was doing, I just knew that I wanted to live and that I didn't want to die, I wanted to LIVE. I came here 8 months ago. Had nowhere to go, had no information, I slept in the airport the first two nights. Then I heard about the center and I lived in a shelter for 6 months, now I have a job and I'm no longer Jacob, I am since today officially Charlotte. I don't know anything about my parents or my family, I don't ever want to know about them or Jamaica again, NEVER. The only reason I would like to know about is to take all my sisters and brothers away from there so they can be safe and live."

My problems......vanished. I was broken. You probably have heard stories like this in the internet, tv, newspapers and other sources. But hearing them from someone is just frightening and so realistic. Listen to our voices. To hear them and see them acknowledge that we are worth living, that we deserve to be happy and that we deserve to be loved and to be who we truly are. Is so beautiful, it is so empowering. At the same time you think about all of those that can't make it, that their lives have and are being taken away just because they do not understand you and just because you do not fit their standards or their society rules. That we are being killed every day due to ignorance, due to religions, due to intolerance and superiority.

I was approached yesterday by this transsexual sister yesterday. She just moved from Bangladesh and she is still very afraid and scared of being her. She acknowledges who she is but she asked me: "Can I dress as a woman and as who I truly am here? Can I bring my dress and my make up and change in the restroom and be me here?" Before I answer I thought about my privilege and I thought about my answer.... "Yes dear, you are in a safe space here, you can be you here, you are not going to be judged in the lgbt center, nobody is going to point a finger nor tell you something. Bring whatever you want and dress here and if you need help dressing up I'm sure that we can assist" . She smiled back and hugged me. Then she ask "In the group you said that you are non-binary and that you are gender queer, and that your pgp is your name, does that mean that you want to be a girl too?". I smiled back and asnwered: "There are many things that you won't understand right away, and you will learn. No, I am comfortable with who I am, I just don't like the binary system that we have been imposed that discriminates one gender from the other and gives superiority to one over another. I am Mario and I do me, I am free from the binary system because I acknowledge the diversity and embrace it."

For a moment I stop and I realized that there are so many folks living out there in the shadows waiting for some light. It really upsets me to know that millions have died in the shadows all their life. That this world is so hard and to be against our human complexity is so unnatural.
I don't give anything for granted but I am privileged somehow and oppressed in other ways. But the privilege that I have been given I try to use it to empower my community, because we have to keep fighting and standing up for ourselves.

It triggers me a little bit, but I try to keep this stories in my mind everyday to remind myself that I am blessed and privileged, that my problems are nothing compared to others. That my life has been beautiful compared to others. That many of us are not here and we still are.

#LGBT #Support #LGBTimmigration #Privilege

Yell

The loneliness sometimes feels so overwhelming.
I wish I could just shut down all the feelings and emotions.
All the thoughts.
I wish I could be cold.
Without feelings.
Heartless

This road is too tough sometimes.
Its been more than a year

I have been too much lonely. 

I need warmth again.
I learned to be self efficient. 

I have gotten good at it (being alone) 

But is still complicated sometimes. 

And like fucking today

I breakdown
Millions surround me and  my heart feels something different.

Before it was

Millions surround me and yet I am alone. 

It is so fucking annoying when I have been so in control of me. 

In control of my emotions and my feelings. 

This is getting a little bit uncomfortable to be out of my comfort zone. 

You are not fucking complaining. 

You are just letting it out. 

Because I do want it. 

I want this. 

But of course that is how you are supposed to feel shitty shit. 

I don't even know you that well.

Why in the fucking world do I need you and kind of miss you already? 

Is it my fucking heart being fucking immature and stupid? 

Is my brain fucking playing games with me? 

Are they both being fucking annoying? 

This is really happening. 

You have to get used to it 

FUCKING GET USED TO IT. 

Bones

                                                                          Current mood.

Begin again

This time I shall reframe from writing what I feel.

I just feel peace as I lay.

I feel quiet.

My mind and heart are in ease.

I shall just quote this song...which I relate to and I like it.

"You'll be the moon, I'll be the earth and we we burst start over....oh darling.

Begin again!"

And a picture that I took a few days ago representing this...

Comfort

I feel like being honest today.

After being single for so long and being happy being that way I am facing awkwardness now that I decided to walk out of the comfort zone. Walking out of the comfort zone means that I am dating again and in that world of multiple possibilities where you embrace vulnerability. 

You see, you have to be aware that "comfort" sometimes means holding yourself back to be happier or better. And I'm not comfortable anymore, at the same time I feel good about doing it even if I have no fucking idea what dating means again.Because I have the rules in my own house that honesty is first and I'm honest when I say I have no fucking idea. 

I mean do not get me wrong. A part of me hates to be this way, to feel something for someone is just something I didn't remember how it was anymore. And I'm not quite sure if I like it or if I don't, I'm in doubt. Meeting with someone and getting double messages when you like them and they seem to like you a lot as well but then.....you are left hanging and it feels .... That . 

At the same time tho, I know this is making me a player(not like a player "player" but back in the game, capisce?) again and to be out there in the field and to get practice and renovate my energies and to know more people. I'm happy for that because I know that not all New Yorkers are assholes when it comes to talk about dating in the queer world. Because if you are not queer let me give you your first class on Dating in the Queer World 101: You will face assholes 95% of your time.  But I'm AWARE of this, and I'm aware that I can be an asshole sometimes, and is ok to be an asshole sometimes, because is part of life....Being an asshole and being the nicest guy sometimes, you can't please everyone! 

Is not only about being an asshole or not either. Is about keep being real and true to yourself. That is why sometimes you have to (At least in New York City) create walls with doors and locks with different keys on them, because you just can't be open and let someone in that easily here. Because sometimes folks (or you) just want to get laid and they will be the nicest and warmest of all to get you on their bed, and then buy bye. At the same I give credibility to some of them because again....not everyone is an asshole. 

I am very open and I don't want to be over thinking about dates, guys, situations or anyone. I want to enjoy the fact that I feel insecure, uncomfortable with the thought that I would like to love again and see the turn out.....and ....to acknowledge and being aware that I ...... That I like him a lot. And I am allowing myself to feel, and I won't feel bad anymore for being warm...because that's who I am, and I don't want to be cold, I have been cold and I hate to be cold.

Also  I have embraced the fact that I am attractive, smart, intelligent and not the wisest queer on earth but worth it and I know my value. I am open to fall, to play, to be around and to Netflix and Chill.....or walk around in silence with that person and acknowledging our presence and that we are holding each other....

I always, ALWAYS keep in mind that changes and happiness never comes from routine or living the same cycle everyday.

Fire

Passion sometimes comes with not being patient
I shall not pressure this.
Patience will bring the best
I shall breathe
Patience is a form of action as well.
I shall learn.

I know what I feel.
I won't look back because past stories are past
I'm not attempting to write anything but what I'm feeling.

I forgot that what is worth is hard to get.
But with patience it will flow.

"WHAT YOU SEEK, IS SEEKING YOU. - Romi "


So It might not happen with you but it might happen I don't know, let me enjoy this.

Afraid

I am trying to understand you.
It seems that I am not the only who is indecipherable.
And it is hard for me to understand.
Usually I am the one who reads, analyzes and understand.
It seems that you are hard to read.
And you seem to be afraid to open up
Because you have been hurt and you are damaged.

No, you won't accept the fact that I know you are.
But I know you are, because I have been there.
And I know how you are acting.
But you don't have to be afraid of me.
Even if you say you are not, you are afraid.

We are both afraid of being vulnerable again.
Because with vulnerability we become soft.
And when we are vulnerable.
We fall.

But dear, don't be afraid.
We both can be vulnerable together.
Because you have asked....

Why am I so nice and warm with you...... when everyone is cold and careless.
I am not everyone and won't ever be like that.
I am not afraid to be hurt or to be vulnerable when I know someone is worth it.
Because I know I am.
I want your vulnerability, and I want us to fall together.

You are tying to distance from me.
I know what you are doing.
You don't have to explain.
I have done it.
But please, don't do it.
Don't push me away.

Because I started to think of you in the mornings.
Because I started to wonder how your days are, if you are doing good or not..
Because I started to picture your face,
                                             your lips,
                                             your smile,
                                             your voice,
                                             your kisses,
                                             your heat,
                                                     you.
Because I started to want more of you.
Because I am intrigued with you.
Because I think you and I will do a great story together.

I don't care if you read this someday, but I need to put this out there.
I want to fall.
I want to think of you.
Even if it takes time, I'll be patient.
If you need space, I'll give it to you.
When you need me, I'll try to be there with you.

Just don't be afraid.
Let's fall together.

Warmth,

Mario.

Melancholia, Romanticism, Autumn.

He walks through Central Park. 
Fall has started. 
The season of melancholia. 
His favorite season. 
He wonders and wanders. 

Why is melancholia so natural in me?
From all the feelings in the universe
This feels like me. 
My coffee is too warm.
I am wandering in Central Park
I never predicted this. 
NEVER. 

He stops for a second and takes a picture. 
A cold breeze hits him
He smiles and embrace it. 
People walks around him.

It is 5:00 pm
It's getting darker and colder.
The park and autumn at its best moment. 
Melancholia, Romanticism, Cycles ending.

A couple walks towards him. 
Two girls, embracing each other.
No talk.
Their hands together. 
She looks at her and stare at a squirrel running. 
She kisses her and keep walking.
No word. 
Just a connection. 

What does it feel?
He wonders. 

When it happened....will I know? 
How do you know?
What does it feel to feel that?
How do you know you are connected?

Questions, questions in his head. 
His coffee is getting cold. 
The wind blows harder.
The leafs fall and create magic. 
Nobody is around the pond. 

New York City and Autumn.
Magic surrounds this city in fall. 
But the park becomes surrounded by dark magic. 
A magic that will involved you and make you part of it. 

He keeps walking. 
He keeps questioning. 
He sits right in front of the Bethesda Fountain. 
And he is not longer his. 

He is now part of the melancholia, romanticism and the autumn. 

Les passions

It begins with a flame. 
That could either vanish.
Or grow to become a fire. 
Oh soul. 

Whatever it becomes
Vanished or incendiary 
There will always leave a mark. 
A scar
A reminder you felt it. 

I question myself. 
What is the point of battling against it?
I have no control over it.
The more you fight it. 
The harder it gets. 

I feel anger. 
I feel warmth. 
I feel hope. 
I feel fear. 
I feel hate. 
I feel love. 
I feel.....

And I wonder while wandering
I'm not good with poetry
The same way I'm not good with feeling
I am emotions
I feel
I am human. 

I used to fear 
The feelings living within me
It was consuming me
It was consuming who I am and my soul

I no longer avoid 
I have lived in this darkness
I almost drown 
But then the flame....the heat brought me back
And I embraced it.

But 
I always questioned 

Are feelings part of a punishment given by the deities?
Why are we being punished?
Why are some of us naturally warmth and become cold?
Is it a curse as well?

The curse of les passions. 
La maldicion de los sentimienti. 

If it is I embrace it. 
I embrace my curse. 
I am not longer afraid.
I am a passionate person. 
I am not crazy, although I wish I was.
So I wouldn't care much. 
Is a constant battle...
But it is not a battle anymore when you enjoy to play. 
And if the deities gave me this game
I shall be a great player. 

I'm not entitled to win, neither to loose. 
What am I entitled to?
Feel. 

I am not afraid. 

I will never know the nothingness of feelings. 

I am aware of who I am. 

I am. 

Stand up! Volunteering time!

Hi Blog!

I haven't been able to write in a while because unfortunately my roommate's pet "Mickey" ate and broke my laptop cable and I haven't been able to look for a replacement (I know I just have been poor and lazy) but I hope to be able to post more now.

After my assault there were dark times. I started to come out of the shadows by addressing my PTSD and depression and looked for help. My social worker recommended to contact the Anti Violence Project of New York City to help me with my hate crime and to look for help with them.
I was afraid to contact anyone just because of many things going on my head to be honest, which none of them seems relevant now but were by that time.

I contacted AVP as recommended and I spoke with the Hotline and they helped me to get counseling and help within the organization. This was my first time reaching my own community (LGBTQI), and I was there looking for help, because after seeing Queer As Folk and seeing how Justin was assaulted and became a hate crime victim, and watched how Jenny Schecter was victim of  hate along with Moire in the L Word, you just never think that you will be on that side of the picture. The side of the picture where you are not a viewer; I was on the side where you are a victim and a survivor, where you become Jenny Schecter, Justin, Matthew Shepard and you become someone different not because you wanted, but because of intolerance, hatred and ignorance won in one person or in many people.

They started to give me counseling and I started to talk about how I feel and what was going on within me. Which is still weird to be honest, talk about an incident that you don't remember either because my brain blocked every type of memories regarding the incident or because of the concussion that took me to have short term memory loss. Its still shocking sometimes when I remember how I woke up in the hospital and not knowing anything at all, that you just are there laying in a bed at an unknown hospital and wondering "What the hell happened" and then your Dr. (which was very cute) tells you: "You were a hate crime victim, we checked and did all necessary tests and you are relatively fine. Unfortunately it seems that you suffered short term memory loss and you were unconscious".

WHAT?

Exactly. I felt so powerless, so weak, so like if it wasn't real, I just wanted it to be a really bad dream....but It wasn't. It wasn't at all. After all what I have gone through and this now. "What a luck"
I wrote a few post in the past regarding this I think. This post is not about all the traumas, insecurities, anxiety and everything related to suffer from PTSD. It is about how I started to feel....RAGE.

Little by little, I started to consume myself. Realizing that I wasn't going somewhere and that I was being eaten alive by myself. SO I decided to work on me and act on me, because I decided and I still repeat this to myself everyday: I AM WORTH IT.

I started to work in my case. But I realized that I was missing something and that I was feeling something at the same time: I wasn't and I won't allow anybody to lay a finger on me or to disrespect me in any way from now on, for being who I am or just because. I realized that I don't want this to happen to ANYBODY. Not just to me again, but just not to anybody!

I decided to belong, to be part of my community. Stop being a survivor and start doing something. SO I decided to volunteer. And it has been the best decision to be made again!

I volunteered in the past and it changed my life. You become this aware being, who is aware of what is happening in the world, but not just aware, but you feel everything what happens in your community. You have the passion, you feel the fire and you feel empowered by others when they go through the same and when you realize you are not alone.

I have never felt more empowered than helping the community, and what a way to do it before PRIDE in NYC :)

But also something different was growing within me: RAGE, PASSION, ANGER AND STRENGTH. And it feels overwhelming.
I can describe it like this:

RAGE: But not violent rage, more like organized rage. I don't even know if the concept exist but that is how I called it "Organized Rage". Rage to organize the community and be involved

PASSION: Once you are able to be out. I saw my community, I saw myself in every LGBTQ person out there. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.....I became my passion, they became my passion. My community is my passion now :)

ANGER: AKA as my fuel, my fire what feeds my passion and my rage. Being Anger all the time as the hulk makes you aware of everything around you, not only aware but awaken and to be ready. Ready for anything, ready to act up, to defend yourself and to speak up when is necessary!

STRENGTH: Every day you become more of those three factors, but within strength you have ........LOVE. You become stronger, because what doesn't kill you, if you learn makes you stronger and open minded to learn from the world.

I share this. Because it is necessary, because the world doesn't stop for anybody. The world continue spinning and we are the ones who decide to keep walking or to stay and see how everyone else lives, or to live a really meaningful life with purpose to make this place a a better place. Even when you think it doesn't count.......you can inspire, you can motivate, you can empower, you can help and you can be just support :)

Being overwhelmed is fine.

Taking the decision was hard. Walking alone and in solitude can be hard sometimes. Having a life and build a new one from scratch is not an easy thing. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed because there is nothing wrong with it. Every person is a different world and even if I feel like if I am alone and having no idea of what I do sometimes, I know I'm not alone. You owe no explanations to nobody, and if there is someone who think is the wisest being on earth because he/her/they/their overcome their issues can fuck themselves very much. Because every experience and person is different. And if someone thinks life works just one way for everybody they will see how I just put them away from my life. Some people think they are not negative. They claim they aren't but they are just full of shit and lies, they are manipulative and they just try to control and say to people what is wrong with them so they can feel good with themselves. Because they will never be able to look at themselves in the mirror and change. It is easier for them to judge than changing their own shit.
You'll find every type of person in the world. Surround with those who will help you to move forward in life, if you have nobody don't worry. Is better to be alone than with worthless people around you. ‪#‎NYC‬ ‪#‎Life‬ ‪#‎LifeIsAJourney‬

I

I have never intended to be like everyone else.
I accepted long time ago that I am the weird type.
I am the one who thinks too much.
I am the one who feels.
I am the one who speak about how I feel.
I am the one who is weak sometimes.
I am the one who is powerful but is afraid of being it.
I am the one who knows what to do but is full of insecurities sometimes.
I am the one who believes and dream.

I am the queer.
I am the weird.
I am the stranger.
I am the sentimentalist.
I am the humanitarian.
I am the one who doesn't know.

I am who loves.
I am who gives.
I am who expects.
I am who wants.
I am who dreams.
I am who feels.
I am who breaks.
I am who gets up.

I am the lover.
I am the single.
I am the complicated.
I am the simple.
I am the one.
I am the second.

I am the one who is misunderstood.
I am the rebel.
I am the black sheep.
I am the queer.
I am the sinner.
I am the label.

I am.
I have been.
I was.
I have done.
I will.
I feel.
I love.
I cry.
I smile.
I

I am part of the ones who will always be misunderstood.
I am part of the ones who feel much or that is open about it.
I am part of those who feel hopeless sometimes.
I am part of those who don't believe in their own power sometimes.
I am the one who is afraid to  assimilate and to embrace the power that lives within himself.

I wonder.
I think.
I daydream.
I fear.

I love.
I hate.

I want to love.
I love.
I have loved.

I have been broken.
I might be cracked.
I have scars.
I was hurt.
I have been in pain.

I read.
I write.
I create.
I envision.
I ...don't know.

New York City

New York Nights.

We have to remain positives.

Sometimes I was eager but afraid to get out from my comfort zone.

I was acting stupid.

Getting out from it was the most exciting and scariest until now.

You grow so much in every aspect of your life. 

You stop wasting time in things and people who aren't worth it. And you learn what is it worth enough your time. 

It will hurt until you think you can't take more.

You will learn to take more pain and to keep walking.

You will walk and you might want to stop. 

You won't stop, you will fall but you will get up.

Because you learn that either you keep on walking or you won't go anywhere.

You'll be alone.

Ironic this thing of being alone in a city of millions. 

But you learn that every mind is a different world.

Every head is an universe.

A dimension.

A different reality.

And you learn that in your world, that in your universe and in your reality.

You must be your religion and your worship.

Because before anything or anyone else.

You just got you.

And without you, you wouldn't be here today and wouldn't keep going.

You realize of your potential.

You learn to acknowledge yourself.

And you believe in yourself. 

You have to!

Because you are your own source of motivation and energy.

Motivation from other comes after your own. 

You create, you change, you become.

Not only happens in NYC, but I guess it only happens when you are out there on your own.

Any city, any tough city will make you grow and it will hurt.

But is good.

You are not deat. Keep walking. 

City of dreams.. 

#Dreamers #NoteToMySelf
#NewYorklife #NewYorkCity #BrooklynBridge #ManhattanSkyline #Manhattan

Sex, Oh Sex.

Fuck. Sometimes I really think that I was born in the wrong era. Because I used to fuck a lot and I know I have changed and I can't be fucking around anymore. Maybe because I know what it is to be fucking around and fuck with a different person every weekend or every other day? Maybe because I am looking something more substantial now?

Today I was talking to someone I've met in Tinder. He is only two years younger than me and we were talking for like about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, we really have a lot of things in common. From Harry Potter to being from the same country and never wanting to go back to live there. (Funny huh, to have a nationality and not wanting to live in the country you were born, but that is not the point today)
So we were talking about our habits, and random stuff to be honest.

But then a topic came out. Do you hook up frequently? To what he answer was: "Yes, if it happens why not? " then the question came back to me and my answer was: "I don't, but I am not sure if it is because I don't want to or because I am not like that anymore"

We finish our conversation like 2 hours ago and I keep thinking about it. To what I have concluded that I have a few reasons for not hooking up and having many one night stands....
- I had a closest friend a few years ago and he got an STD. I was with him through the whole process, he even had surgery and I was with him in his recovery and I think that impacted me in a way.
- I had a few crazy years like from 19 to 23 when I used to fuck just for fun and I kinda became a little dependant on sex.
-I got bored of the culture where I used to live where you can't be raw honest with someone and tell them "I want to fuck and I am looking for a fuck buddy, not a relationship" .....But people used to be so lame and the ones that I knew I could do that with were already in a relationship or bored to have the same fucking buddy so I got used to neither having a relationship and neither having sex because it seemed people love to have a date or many dates in order to have sex.
-I kinda like to have more substantial sex than a one night stand. Or at least having that intimate moment where you talk to someone in the bar and if you are attracted enough you make out and then if you are really into the person you proceed and fuck.....but rarely happens. Most of the guys and girls here wants to make eye contact and go straight to fuck without knowing your name. Don't misunderstand me, I love to be a stranger and fuck with someone I don't know and never know about that person in my life. But I can't do that every day.
-My fucking ex.......that bastard. I am not going to emphasize too much on how he affected me but fuck he fucked me up. I stop believing many things about me. I became this lame person that didn't believe in himself because I couldn't find myself attractive anymore, therefore I thought nobody could find me attractive. A friend of mine literally made an intervention to me so I could realize who I am, and how worth it I am.

I have learned or at least that is what I think, that every time you fuck around, every time you have sex or you are with someone, part of your substance is there. You are committed to a person while having sex for a moment in your life and part of you is there.

I think that it might be a cultural background since I come from a very religious background as well both things affects the way I see things. Is not that I hold myself but maybe I am going through many things right now that actually sex is not even in my bucket list and it isn't my priority. I mean if I found someone that makes me feel like a guy that I meet two months ago that I had a one night stand with without thinking it twice yeaaah, why the hell no? But is just not me looking for it. To be honest I was in Tinder because I was bored. I don't like hookup apps so much and tinder is the less devilish out there....or at least that is what I think *swipes right*

I am going through many things right now. I was talking to one friend yesterday that I have lived so but soooooo many things in this last 6 months that in the last 2 years (Or at least that is what I think) and that I have been pretty open to meet people and friends, but it seems that in New York everyone has time for already existing friends or to hook up because it is such a crazy city. But to be honest that is my perception right now. I am just going through many things right now.

And I might be weird and to be honest I don't care. But I don't think of sex as a such important thing. I think that you even get to know yourself more with a non sexual period in your life.

Religión e Hipocresía solo un pensamiento

Si los religiosos (Sean cristianos, musulmanes, judios, etc...) están en contra de los piercings (aritos), tatuajes, cirugías plásticas, etc.... porque nuestro cuerpo es templo y morada del espíritu santo y es propiedad de Dios no de nosotros. 
No deberían de haber religiosos con obesidad mórbida o sobrepeso, porque eso es abusar de su cuerpo e irrespetar el templo de Dios.
No deberían de haber religiosos con el pelo pintado porque están faltando el respeto al templo y morada del Señor. 
No deberían de utilizar aritos las mujeres porque es una falta de respeto a Dios, y tienen que olvidarse que es un aspecto cultural el que las mujeres usen aritos.
Y con la moral que predican los religiosos. No deberían de ser hipócritas, ni hacer juicios de nadie.

Pero claro los religiosos están tan afanados de juzgar a todos para sentirse superiores, porque sus libros religiosos les dice que son el cuerpo de Dios, que son la iglesia, que son los elegidos. Ellos creen en la superioridad como si fueran mejores seres humanos y olvidan que sus religiones han causado millones de muertes en la historia y siguen causando muerte en todo el mundo.

Los religiosos mandan al infierno al que no crea en sus convicciones. Lo que significa que los no seguidores de sus religiones nos iremos directo al infierno aunque nuestra vida haya sido de bien, aunque no juzguemos el estilo de vida ni las decisiones de los demás (Algo que ellos hacen con mucho esmero)

Choose Love.

I woke up in the hospital, not knowing what happened. I saw my arm and I had a needle in it. I stood up and asked to the nurse where am I, and what happened to me.... I can't remember a thing. Then she told me: "You were assaulted, the witness says that it was a hate crime" ..... "....a hate crime"

My head started to spin, trying to remember a thing but I can't.
"I can't remember, I don't know what happened yesterday, I just remember being in a place and then nothing, why I can't remember?"
"You have a concussion, probably they hit you in the head and you lost consciousness, the witness says that you were in the floor and someone called you 'faggot'...... and  then they ran"
"Faggot...... a hate crime? I, I don't know what to think, I don't know ...."
"The social worker will be with you in a moment"

I just wanted to get out of the hospital, to know what happened, or to rewind time and not to know a thing, I can't remember a thing, my clothes a ripped because I went to the emergency room, my clothes are torn, they gave me new clothes to go home and a metro card since my wallet was stolen. I feel powerless, I don't know what to do, my head keep spinning while the social worker ask me questions.

I got home, I sleep, and spent the next week sleeping and waking up just to eat something, get a shower and go back to sleep, I didn't feel alive, it was like if I was dead. My brain and my soul were disconnected, my heart was not there.
By the third day I started to wonder if that is what all the victims of assault feel, but what about being different, what about being afraid about who I AM. I never thought about that before.

I have hidden myself before, I have felt ashamed of me and my feelings, I have attempted suicide, I have been depressed and maybe I am a depressive person, I have overcome so many things to let this to defeat me. There was something weird  going on inside me.

I spoke to a few friends and they told me a few things about me that I forgot: I am strong and a fighter.
I started to wonder if this is what hate crimes victims feel, afraid to even go out to the grocery store because you feel like if you can't trust no one, not even yourself.
I started to realize that so many times I have read news about hate crimes through history and through humanity. Then I realize how blessed and lucky I am to still be alive just with some injuries and some new insecurities.

I am overcoming this. The truth is that I have been learning and learning lessons through life the hard way, or maybe there is no hard way or easy way, there are just ways to learn from life, and every different way ......HURTS. Because pain and reaching bottom makes us stronger, because life gets better, but it doesn't mean that it will become easier. Either you believe in a God, Goddess, or whatever there is a way life works, it will prove you everyday if you deserve to live it, some of us have the opportunity to continue, and keep fighting. With the assault I realize that humanity is such a weak race and so ignorant, we are afraid of the unknown and we learn that hate is easier than love, because living with love means forgiveness and a life of new opportunities, while a life full of hate is about revenge, about keeping those bad feelings and never getting over, about being defensive and offensive because we think that everything and everyone in life is against us when we are the only enemy we have.

I started to feel hate, I was eating my emotions and hiding them, not allowing myself to cry or to forgive myself about what happened. I started to blame myself for playing and jeopardizing my own life and it was awful. I am not a hater, I can't hate, I have learned to forgive, because the first person I forgave was myself, and I know I will do mistakes and I have to forgive myself about my mistakes to get up and continuing my fight, but If I can't forgive myself how can I live a life full of happiness, leanings and love?

There is hate everywhere, and sometimes it seems that hate is more powerful than love, but it isn't. Hate is destruction, is self-destruction, is negative, is sadness, is the easy way to go.
Love is life, growing, is positive, is happiness, is the hard way to go.

Life is full of challenges. Life is full of pain. Life is full of beauty.

No, you and I were not able to choose if we wanted to be born or not. But we were born and we are here, we are alive, we are full of life. There is not absolute true about another life, but what I know is that I am alive, and that THIS is the life that I got and I will do my best to live it to its fullest, because If I don't have another chance to live again, I will make my best in this life and if I have another life I will live it to the fullest as well.
I know that life and the universe work in ways that we simple humans will never be able to understand, but one thing I do know is that if you give love to life and the universe they will grant you love back. If you give hate to the universe and life,  you will be granted hate and destruction, and maybe you will be granted light so you can see there is other way to do things, or you will stay ignorant.

Knowledge opens your mind, an open mind learns how to be tolerant because you learn there is not ONE way, you learn that the universe is full of opportunities, that life is full of new beginnings, that the universe is complex and you are part of something so beautiful as it is life and this universe, you are not granted with full knowledge of everything because you have to learn how life is; is your decision to be happy and to fight for your dreams and to learn more and more, and to realize that the more you learn about life .....the less you know about it and you become humble to know that you have the chance to make of this the best or the worst, that is in your hands to smile and live and keep walking or to hate, remain the same mediocre person everyday of your life and to be miserable.

Ignorance takes you to hate, ignorance makes you afraid of what you don't understand, makes you angry and defensive. Ignorance put barriers in your heart and mind, makes your life full of revenge, hate and anger. Anger that you feel against everyone else but that actually is you hating yourself  because you don't allow yourself to keep moving on, you don't allow forgiveness and you start to destroy yourself and to think that there is only one way, you start to see just grey because for you a rainbow is a privilege for everyone else but not for you, because your limited mind keeps you thinking that the world is your enemy, when you are the only one against yourself.


I knew six months ago that a new start wasn't going to be easy at all. I never thought that it would be this hard, but then I see my old me, the person I was six months ago, and I know that it has been a really tough way but I don't regret anything, I am happy where I am and the person I am becoming. I have forgiven to the person or people who attacked me, I feel sad for them because they are afraid of knowledge, they are afraid to open their minds to knowledge and I don't know anything about them but I feel bad about them, having to attack someone to feel better about themselves and powerful, is a shame. I know that all this challenges I am having are for my own good, but it doesn't mean that I have to gamble my life and risking my life for the freedom that I never had before. I learned my lesson.

We are surrounded of hate, there are many ways not only one. We are surrounded of people choosing the easy way and giving up too soon without even giving a fight. And I know that I could sound too Coelho but you know how it is, you know what is like to smile from within, you know what is to know that everything will be alright even without knowing the outcome.

I have chosen love and light, because I think that humanity is beautiful, I think that we all have the potential to make a better world, and if we all respect one another and embrace knowledge instead of ignorance the universe would give us so many good things back. I share this because I am not afraid, because I want you to know that you are not alone in this fight, that we are all humans and sometimes we might feel defeated, but if you realize the power you have, you will realize that you are not defeated, that you just stumbled and that you can keep walking and that falling and stumbling is OK, because it is a long road and you can smile after you get up!

I am feeling better, I have chosen to smile and I have chosen love, because I believe in me and I want better! Living a life with love is better, because you will reach your true potencial.

Suddenly I cry.

I haven't feel the need to cry since I got to the apartment on monday afternoon. I went straight to bed, and then I woke up late to try to eat something but my face hurted, so I ate a little bit, I drank a few pain relievers and went to sleep again.

Today I was talking to my mom, she lives in "the most dangerous country" in the world, which if you see the date and the year and google it you will find out which one is it.
I missed her so much, I missed my dad so much today, I missed my Dolly.
I miss my room and my comfort zone. I miss them so much today, and then the thought that I don't remember anything from the incident but still have the bruises makes me feel powerless.

And suddenly I started to cry, but I held myself.

I am trying to tell myself that everything will be better, but I don't know if it will.
Tomorrow I have to go to the police station and file a report, and I am scared of doing so.
I have to go to the bank and get a new card, and then a new phone, and I am afraid.
I don't know if I am afraid just now or if I feel insecure, I don't know exactly what I feel.

But now, for now I wish I could have someone to hug me, or to hug and cry, and cry without shame.

I wish I could rewind this days and go back and not going out on sunday.
Because right now, I don't know nothing......and I am crying.

Assault

I am afraid. Because I know my problem. I know what have been causing me this, and your own demons are the worst to defeat. I want my soul to feel complete, I want my spirit to feel in peace, all I feel is darkness, and sickness, because I know how to fix this. But making a change is hard, because some bad habits are hard to kill and quit. Thanks Life I still have conciousness and moral (Which is relative) but I guess I feel like this because I know what is the best for me, and I know this is not good. Yes, I am writing this to vent, and so you know how miserable I am feeling, because I am feeling conflicted. 

I feel responsible for what happen. I just remember that I went out to have some drinks to Chelsea and I was having fun, then a guy that I meet told me to go to dance, so we went to hell's kitchen, we went to two clubs, the first one was not funny so we went to this other one where we were dancing until 3 maybe?

I just remember that I was walking down to the subway and I wanted to eat some food, so I steped into a restaurant, and a guy started to talk to me and he invited me to his table with his friend and his girlfriend, to what I say Yes. 

I remember we started to talk and were having an nice talk. Then the guy's friend started me to ask me is I was gay to which I responded YES, and he said, wow, you definitely don't look like one. And his friend (The one who invited me to sit with them) asked me "DO I look gay to you?" To which I responded "You just look like a regular man, I don't know if you are or not, taht is not the reason why I talked to you" to what he responded, "well you certainly kept talking to me because you are gay and thought that I was" to what his friend said "Dude, chill out, we are the one who are talking about this not him, why are you reacting liket that?" to what his girlfriend said: "Well, it is very obvious that our friend is gay and feels intimidated by someone who is secure of himself" so they guy yelled at me and asked me to move so I stand up, and paid my bill, when I was paying my bill the waitress told me, "Don't feel bad" to which I responded "I am not feeling bad" but when I was signing my ticket, the guy approached to me and grabbed me from my neck and last thing I remember is that I was being thrown to the sidewalk somewhere in hell's kitchen.

I woke up next morning by 10:00 am in Bellevue Hospital, in the emergency room, wondering what happened, and then they explained that I was found bleeding in the side walk, unconcious and without my wallet and my phone was smashed. They say I was barely responding when the paramedics rescued me.

The social worker from the hospital told me to file a police report as soon I was out of the hospital, but a blizzard was starting and I decided to go home, I came home and have been in bed for the last two days. The social worker told me that I had been a hate crime victim, because the girl from the restaurant told the paramedics that the guy kick you while you were unconcious and yelled at you "fag, stupid fag" and then they leaved.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what or how to feel. 

I feel guilty until some point I guess I was, but I am feeling sick and bad about me. 

.