Comfort

I feel like being honest today.

After being single for so long and being happy being that way I am facing awkwardness now that I decided to walk out of the comfort zone. Walking out of the comfort zone means that I am dating again and in that world of multiple possibilities where you embrace vulnerability. 

You see, you have to be aware that "comfort" sometimes means holding yourself back to be happier or better. And I'm not comfortable anymore, at the same time I feel good about doing it even if I have no fucking idea what dating means again.Because I have the rules in my own house that honesty is first and I'm honest when I say I have no fucking idea. 

I mean do not get me wrong. A part of me hates to be this way, to feel something for someone is just something I didn't remember how it was anymore. And I'm not quite sure if I like it or if I don't, I'm in doubt. Meeting with someone and getting double messages when you like them and they seem to like you a lot as well but then.....you are left hanging and it feels .... That . 

At the same time tho, I know this is making me a player(not like a player "player" but back in the game, capisce?) again and to be out there in the field and to get practice and renovate my energies and to know more people. I'm happy for that because I know that not all New Yorkers are assholes when it comes to talk about dating in the queer world. Because if you are not queer let me give you your first class on Dating in the Queer World 101: You will face assholes 95% of your time.  But I'm AWARE of this, and I'm aware that I can be an asshole sometimes, and is ok to be an asshole sometimes, because is part of life....Being an asshole and being the nicest guy sometimes, you can't please everyone! 

Is not only about being an asshole or not either. Is about keep being real and true to yourself. That is why sometimes you have to (At least in New York City) create walls with doors and locks with different keys on them, because you just can't be open and let someone in that easily here. Because sometimes folks (or you) just want to get laid and they will be the nicest and warmest of all to get you on their bed, and then buy bye. At the same I give credibility to some of them because again....not everyone is an asshole. 

I am very open and I don't want to be over thinking about dates, guys, situations or anyone. I want to enjoy the fact that I feel insecure, uncomfortable with the thought that I would like to love again and see the turn out.....and ....to acknowledge and being aware that I ...... That I like him a lot. And I am allowing myself to feel, and I won't feel bad anymore for being warm...because that's who I am, and I don't want to be cold, I have been cold and I hate to be cold.

Also  I have embraced the fact that I am attractive, smart, intelligent and not the wisest queer on earth but worth it and I know my value. I am open to fall, to play, to be around and to Netflix and Chill.....or walk around in silence with that person and acknowledging our presence and that we are holding each other....

I always, ALWAYS keep in mind that changes and happiness never comes from routine or living the same cycle everyday.