Choose Love.

I woke up in the hospital, not knowing what happened. I saw my arm and I had a needle in it. I stood up and asked to the nurse where am I, and what happened to me.... I can't remember a thing. Then she told me: "You were assaulted, the witness says that it was a hate crime" ..... "....a hate crime"

My head started to spin, trying to remember a thing but I can't.
"I can't remember, I don't know what happened yesterday, I just remember being in a place and then nothing, why I can't remember?"
"You have a concussion, probably they hit you in the head and you lost consciousness, the witness says that you were in the floor and someone called you 'faggot'...... and  then they ran"
"Faggot...... a hate crime? I, I don't know what to think, I don't know ...."
"The social worker will be with you in a moment"

I just wanted to get out of the hospital, to know what happened, or to rewind time and not to know a thing, I can't remember a thing, my clothes a ripped because I went to the emergency room, my clothes are torn, they gave me new clothes to go home and a metro card since my wallet was stolen. I feel powerless, I don't know what to do, my head keep spinning while the social worker ask me questions.

I got home, I sleep, and spent the next week sleeping and waking up just to eat something, get a shower and go back to sleep, I didn't feel alive, it was like if I was dead. My brain and my soul were disconnected, my heart was not there.
By the third day I started to wonder if that is what all the victims of assault feel, but what about being different, what about being afraid about who I AM. I never thought about that before.

I have hidden myself before, I have felt ashamed of me and my feelings, I have attempted suicide, I have been depressed and maybe I am a depressive person, I have overcome so many things to let this to defeat me. There was something weird  going on inside me.

I spoke to a few friends and they told me a few things about me that I forgot: I am strong and a fighter.
I started to wonder if this is what hate crimes victims feel, afraid to even go out to the grocery store because you feel like if you can't trust no one, not even yourself.
I started to realize that so many times I have read news about hate crimes through history and through humanity. Then I realize how blessed and lucky I am to still be alive just with some injuries and some new insecurities.

I am overcoming this. The truth is that I have been learning and learning lessons through life the hard way, or maybe there is no hard way or easy way, there are just ways to learn from life, and every different way ......HURTS. Because pain and reaching bottom makes us stronger, because life gets better, but it doesn't mean that it will become easier. Either you believe in a God, Goddess, or whatever there is a way life works, it will prove you everyday if you deserve to live it, some of us have the opportunity to continue, and keep fighting. With the assault I realize that humanity is such a weak race and so ignorant, we are afraid of the unknown and we learn that hate is easier than love, because living with love means forgiveness and a life of new opportunities, while a life full of hate is about revenge, about keeping those bad feelings and never getting over, about being defensive and offensive because we think that everything and everyone in life is against us when we are the only enemy we have.

I started to feel hate, I was eating my emotions and hiding them, not allowing myself to cry or to forgive myself about what happened. I started to blame myself for playing and jeopardizing my own life and it was awful. I am not a hater, I can't hate, I have learned to forgive, because the first person I forgave was myself, and I know I will do mistakes and I have to forgive myself about my mistakes to get up and continuing my fight, but If I can't forgive myself how can I live a life full of happiness, leanings and love?

There is hate everywhere, and sometimes it seems that hate is more powerful than love, but it isn't. Hate is destruction, is self-destruction, is negative, is sadness, is the easy way to go.
Love is life, growing, is positive, is happiness, is the hard way to go.

Life is full of challenges. Life is full of pain. Life is full of beauty.

No, you and I were not able to choose if we wanted to be born or not. But we were born and we are here, we are alive, we are full of life. There is not absolute true about another life, but what I know is that I am alive, and that THIS is the life that I got and I will do my best to live it to its fullest, because If I don't have another chance to live again, I will make my best in this life and if I have another life I will live it to the fullest as well.
I know that life and the universe work in ways that we simple humans will never be able to understand, but one thing I do know is that if you give love to life and the universe they will grant you love back. If you give hate to the universe and life,  you will be granted hate and destruction, and maybe you will be granted light so you can see there is other way to do things, or you will stay ignorant.

Knowledge opens your mind, an open mind learns how to be tolerant because you learn there is not ONE way, you learn that the universe is full of opportunities, that life is full of new beginnings, that the universe is complex and you are part of something so beautiful as it is life and this universe, you are not granted with full knowledge of everything because you have to learn how life is; is your decision to be happy and to fight for your dreams and to learn more and more, and to realize that the more you learn about life .....the less you know about it and you become humble to know that you have the chance to make of this the best or the worst, that is in your hands to smile and live and keep walking or to hate, remain the same mediocre person everyday of your life and to be miserable.

Ignorance takes you to hate, ignorance makes you afraid of what you don't understand, makes you angry and defensive. Ignorance put barriers in your heart and mind, makes your life full of revenge, hate and anger. Anger that you feel against everyone else but that actually is you hating yourself  because you don't allow yourself to keep moving on, you don't allow forgiveness and you start to destroy yourself and to think that there is only one way, you start to see just grey because for you a rainbow is a privilege for everyone else but not for you, because your limited mind keeps you thinking that the world is your enemy, when you are the only one against yourself.


I knew six months ago that a new start wasn't going to be easy at all. I never thought that it would be this hard, but then I see my old me, the person I was six months ago, and I know that it has been a really tough way but I don't regret anything, I am happy where I am and the person I am becoming. I have forgiven to the person or people who attacked me, I feel sad for them because they are afraid of knowledge, they are afraid to open their minds to knowledge and I don't know anything about them but I feel bad about them, having to attack someone to feel better about themselves and powerful, is a shame. I know that all this challenges I am having are for my own good, but it doesn't mean that I have to gamble my life and risking my life for the freedom that I never had before. I learned my lesson.

We are surrounded of hate, there are many ways not only one. We are surrounded of people choosing the easy way and giving up too soon without even giving a fight. And I know that I could sound too Coelho but you know how it is, you know what is like to smile from within, you know what is to know that everything will be alright even without knowing the outcome.

I have chosen love and light, because I think that humanity is beautiful, I think that we all have the potential to make a better world, and if we all respect one another and embrace knowledge instead of ignorance the universe would give us so many good things back. I share this because I am not afraid, because I want you to know that you are not alone in this fight, that we are all humans and sometimes we might feel defeated, but if you realize the power you have, you will realize that you are not defeated, that you just stumbled and that you can keep walking and that falling and stumbling is OK, because it is a long road and you can smile after you get up!

I am feeling better, I have chosen to smile and I have chosen love, because I believe in me and I want better! Living a life with love is better, because you will reach your true potencial.