Fuck. Sometimes I really think that I was born in the wrong era. Because I used to fuck a lot and I know I have changed and I can't be fucking around anymore. Maybe because I know what it is to be fucking around and fuck with a different person every weekend or every other day? Maybe because I am looking something more substantial now?
Today I was talking to someone I've met in Tinder. He is only two years younger than me and we were talking for like about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, we really have a lot of things in common. From Harry Potter to being from the same country and never wanting to go back to live there. (Funny huh, to have a nationality and not wanting to live in the country you were born, but that is not the point today)
So we were talking about our habits, and random stuff to be honest.
But then a topic came out. Do you hook up frequently? To what he answer was: "Yes, if it happens why not? " then the question came back to me and my answer was: "I don't, but I am not sure if it is because I don't want to or because I am not like that anymore"
We finish our conversation like 2 hours ago and I keep thinking about it. To what I have concluded that I have a few reasons for not hooking up and having many one night stands....
- I had a closest friend a few years ago and he got an STD. I was with him through the whole process, he even had surgery and I was with him in his recovery and I think that impacted me in a way.
- I had a few crazy years like from 19 to 23 when I used to fuck just for fun and I kinda became a little dependant on sex.
-I got bored of the culture where I used to live where you can't be raw honest with someone and tell them "I want to fuck and I am looking for a fuck buddy, not a relationship" .....But people used to be so lame and the ones that I knew I could do that with were already in a relationship or bored to have the same fucking buddy so I got used to neither having a relationship and neither having sex because it seemed people love to have a date or many dates in order to have sex.
-I kinda like to have more substantial sex than a one night stand. Or at least having that intimate moment where you talk to someone in the bar and if you are attracted enough you make out and then if you are really into the person you proceed and fuck.....but rarely happens. Most of the guys and girls here wants to make eye contact and go straight to fuck without knowing your name. Don't misunderstand me, I love to be a stranger and fuck with someone I don't know and never know about that person in my life. But I can't do that every day.
-My fucking ex.......that bastard. I am not going to emphasize too much on how he affected me but fuck he fucked me up. I stop believing many things about me. I became this lame person that didn't believe in himself because I couldn't find myself attractive anymore, therefore I thought nobody could find me attractive. A friend of mine literally made an intervention to me so I could realize who I am, and how worth it I am.
I have learned or at least that is what I think, that every time you fuck around, every time you have sex or you are with someone, part of your substance is there. You are committed to a person while having sex for a moment in your life and part of you is there.
I think that it might be a cultural background since I come from a very religious background as well both things affects the way I see things. Is not that I hold myself but maybe I am going through many things right now that actually sex is not even in my bucket list and it isn't my priority. I mean if I found someone that makes me feel like a guy that I meet two months ago that I had a one night stand with without thinking it twice yeaaah, why the hell no? But is just not me looking for it. To be honest I was in Tinder because I was bored. I don't like hookup apps so much and tinder is the less devilish out there....or at least that is what I think *swipes right*
I am going through many things right now. I was talking to one friend yesterday that I have lived so but soooooo many things in this last 6 months that in the last 2 years (Or at least that is what I think) and that I have been pretty open to meet people and friends, but it seems that in New York everyone has time for already existing friends or to hook up because it is such a crazy city. But to be honest that is my perception right now. I am just going through many things right now.
And I might be weird and to be honest I don't care. But I don't think of sex as a such important thing. I think that you even get to know yourself more with a non sexual period in your life.
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