Assault

I am afraid. Because I know my problem. I know what have been causing me this, and your own demons are the worst to defeat. I want my soul to feel complete, I want my spirit to feel in peace, all I feel is darkness, and sickness, because I know how to fix this. But making a change is hard, because some bad habits are hard to kill and quit. Thanks Life I still have conciousness and moral (Which is relative) but I guess I feel like this because I know what is the best for me, and I know this is not good. Yes, I am writing this to vent, and so you know how miserable I am feeling, because I am feeling conflicted. 

I feel responsible for what happen. I just remember that I went out to have some drinks to Chelsea and I was having fun, then a guy that I meet told me to go to dance, so we went to hell's kitchen, we went to two clubs, the first one was not funny so we went to this other one where we were dancing until 3 maybe?

I just remember that I was walking down to the subway and I wanted to eat some food, so I steped into a restaurant, and a guy started to talk to me and he invited me to his table with his friend and his girlfriend, to what I say Yes. 

I remember we started to talk and were having an nice talk. Then the guy's friend started me to ask me is I was gay to which I responded YES, and he said, wow, you definitely don't look like one. And his friend (The one who invited me to sit with them) asked me "DO I look gay to you?" To which I responded "You just look like a regular man, I don't know if you are or not, taht is not the reason why I talked to you" to what he responded, "well you certainly kept talking to me because you are gay and thought that I was" to what his friend said "Dude, chill out, we are the one who are talking about this not him, why are you reacting liket that?" to what his girlfriend said: "Well, it is very obvious that our friend is gay and feels intimidated by someone who is secure of himself" so they guy yelled at me and asked me to move so I stand up, and paid my bill, when I was paying my bill the waitress told me, "Don't feel bad" to which I responded "I am not feeling bad" but when I was signing my ticket, the guy approached to me and grabbed me from my neck and last thing I remember is that I was being thrown to the sidewalk somewhere in hell's kitchen.

I woke up next morning by 10:00 am in Bellevue Hospital, in the emergency room, wondering what happened, and then they explained that I was found bleeding in the side walk, unconcious and without my wallet and my phone was smashed. They say I was barely responding when the paramedics rescued me.

The social worker from the hospital told me to file a police report as soon I was out of the hospital, but a blizzard was starting and I decided to go home, I came home and have been in bed for the last two days. The social worker told me that I had been a hate crime victim, because the girl from the restaurant told the paramedics that the guy kick you while you were unconcious and yelled at you "fag, stupid fag" and then they leaved.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what or how to feel. 

I feel guilty until some point I guess I was, but I am feeling sick and bad about me. 

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