Damage

I cut you off from my life about 3 weeks ago. And let me tell you I have been feeling so much better since I did it.

I really hope this it my last post about you.

There are so many things that happened, many promises that were broken.

Many love games and many manipulations from both.

We both love each other. I know you loved me, I know you still do.

I know you do because the way you showed me you cared and that you showed me your love was the worst.

You knew that my heart had never been so vulnerable and open to love someone; until you came.
You knew that you were the first person that I truly loved.
You knew that when you told me you were leaving to another country thousand of miles away I broke.
That my heart shattered to pieces.
That day by day the wound started to open more and more and that the pain started to grow.
I spend so many days feeliing how my inside was broken, how my heart was pieces, how I thought of you and loved you.

The one who stays is the one who suffers the most. Lesson learned.

I thought that we could be friends, instead you manipulated my feelings to see how you could affect me.

You played with me and part of me knew what you were doing.
Because I thought that one day........it could be "We" again.

I was wrong.

The truth is that you hurted me. I am damaged.

I had never felt so vulnerable and broken in my entire life. I have never been so affected by someone in my life. I had never felt so bad, so sad, so unconfident, so useless, so broken.

I feel so much rage towards you now...... because of what you did to me, because you did it knowing that I loved you, but you did it because you are bad, because you are damaged too, but being damaged doesn't give you power over someone else, being damaged doesn't mean you will do what they did to you to another person.

Every negative aspect of me came out to light because of you. I have never faked a smile or a positive attitude so many times and for so long. Lying to myself that everything was going to be ok when it wasn't.
I became self destructive, someone that didn't care for himself. My self-estime was gone. My own perception was damaged. I felt as the ugliest person, as if I wasn't worth it. The worst part is that I think that you did that to me to know that as long as you were feeling like shit, that as long as you were in pain, as long as you were not doing perfect you didn't want me to be happy. And that...... is just fucked up.

I just want to tell you that the day that you told me what you did...... that day you did it for the last time. But this time It was different, I was getting stronger, I wasn't the same weak person that I was a couple of months ago. I moved to another country, I have meet new people, new friends, people who appreciate who I am and who remind me of the beautiful being I am. I saw how old friends showed me love because I am a good person. I didn't feel as a good person, you made me forget many good aspects about me and I hate you so much because of that. I forgot that I am powerful. I forgot that I was beautiful. I had stopped believing in me. I stopped doing it (believing) and also I forgot so many things about me that now  is hard to acknowledge but I am starting to do it again. Now more than ever I appreciate every aspect of everything.

It is stupid when someone tells me .... "you are handsome" and I don't believe it, because you made me feel as an ugly person, I forgot I was attractive! I stopped knowing that about me.

It is stupid when people that I just met, tells me how nice and interesting I am, and how stupid it is because I don't know that about myself anymore. I stopped knowing it!

It is a daily struggle, I fight everyday against my insecurities and against my thoughts, against this thoughts I have in my head about me that I am certainly not.

I am damaged. I know it now.

I am trying to remember everyday who I am. How blessed I am and that I am worth it and that I am good, that I am not bad.

Now I appreciate more than ever who I am, and I am embracing every aspect of me and life the best way possible and I am loving the person I am becoming.

I do not thank you, because it has been a very painful process, and I am getting out of this alone and on my own.

I do want to tell you that I do not wish you anything.

I do want to tell you that I hope I know anything about you never again in my life.

I do want you to know that I don't hate you, but that I have learned and that you are not welcomed in my life.

I do want to tell you that you are a bad person and that in order to grow, you have to accept that you are broken, that you are damaged, because the longer that you hold this process, the more it will hurt you, and when you accept this fact about yourself, I hope you come out of it, but I hope you feel pain, I hope it hurts and that you break.

And the last thing is ........ I don't love you anymore, I just had it with you. I am so eager to close this chapter of my life where you are, I want you to be history and past. You are past, that is where you belong, I want you far from my present and from my future.

This is my last letter to you. I will keep thinking and fighting all this insecurities, but I will not longer think about you or us.

If I could I would love to forget you exist, but I can't, you will always be there even if you die, but I will see you as a ghost.......because you are not longer part of my reality, you are just a shadow.

Fuck you.

Regards,

Mario.

Start, Start, Stop!

We are so small in this world. 

We are just one among billions. 

We are many
We are nothing
We are everything
We are chaos
We are light. 

You can mean something for someone or nothing for someone else. 

You can make a huge difference in someone's life.....or not. 

You can create another human being or destroy it. 

You can do so many things or not

Many times we are restrained to do and chase what we want because we are familiarized with it so much that going out of our comfort zone is forbidden. 

Why do we have to stay comfortable with what we have or with who we are? 
Why do we have to be OK with the order of things? 
Why do we have to agree to live under standars and rules?
Why do we have to follow society? 
Why do we forget to listen our own voice?
Why do we forget about US?

There is no perfection in the human life which it means that there is always room to improve. Which it means that you can disagree and create a better path. 

You are not perfect, you are not more than anyone, you will die. 
There is no human who is certain about what will happen after you die. 

The goal shouldn't be: Be good so you can have another and a better life after this life. The goal should be: Just be the best that you can, for you and your world. 

Better things will come if you lose your fear to live and to be. You will find yourself and it will hurt, it is a painful process, but you become a better you and stronger. 

Start somewhere.

Start living. 

Stop fearing. 

By: Mario Guevara #EveryDayALittleDeath #Blog #Blogger #Writing #Writer #CentralPark #Nyc #newyork #manhattan #concretejungle #citythatneversleeps #boysofnyc #change #fearless #fierce #life #boys #autumn #yourvoiceisyourweapon #lifelessons

New

I was depressed. I had no motivation at all, no expectations of life. At one point all what I wanted to do was staying in my room and just be, not thinking and not even crying anyomore. 

I was in such depression that my dreams and goals seemed imposible and part of the science fiction world. I started to give up and I just didn't believe in anyone neither in me. 

I tried to get away. 
I knew that I needed a fresh start. 
I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be no one and someone at the same time. 
Somewhere where I would never  disappoint anyone including me.
Somewhere where I could be me and take control of everything. 
Somewhere where I could feel alive, where I could walk among people and be a perfect stranger. Somewhere where I could be free, where my mind could be in peace with my soul and my heart.

A fresh start. 

Moving to a new country and leave everything what you know was a hard decision to make.
You take full control of your life and of who you are. You choose to leave all what is normal and what you know. You have to build a new life with the knowledge and experience that you have acquired so far in your life and trust that and have faith on the person you that have become so far in this journey. 

The biggest challenge is to know and acknowledge who you really are, because you are everything you have, you are the only old friend, the only family, the only everything you have and if you don't know who "you are" yet....your journey is to find that out. 

"Fresh start" sounds delightful and easy. It is delightful but it isn't easy at all. Sometimes the depression chases me and I feel like giving up.....but I fight, because I don't want to be defeated by my own fears, because I want to defeat my fears and I want to acomplish my goals and have new challenges. 

It has been hard and sometimes you feel like everything is against you, but then you remember your motivation, that you accepted the challenge for a reason: YOU. 

Then you stand up and keep walking.

We have to face our fears in order to change. If we never know what are we afraid of we will never be able to face the things that are holding us from growing.
I am not afraid of death, I am afraid that the people who loves me is sad or are suffering because of me. I am that type of people who worries and care more for his family, his friends and his beloved ones than for him.
My biggest fear is nothing stupid, my biggest fear is to know someone is that I love is sad and that freaks me out to a point that I would do almost anything for them, leaving what I want and my happiness behind.

I want to be my priority. I feel like if I have been stuck and in hold for about 2 years, and I want to stop and face my fear and change.

It is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do. I need to be selfish for a while and make my dreams and my goals my number one thing in life. I have to stop putting people before me. I keep worrying too much and letting people to manipulate me with their feelings and I let myself to be manipulated even I know that I have to stop feeling so bad about people´s situation. I am too emphatetic sometimes.

I know who I want, I know my big goals, I have to clear my mind about some of them. But the people I love need to really understand that I have my life, that I am the owner of it and that I have to make my own decisions. It is hard for me to try to make them understand that not all my decisions will be the decisions they would have taken, but still are my decisions, that is my life!

Build a new life is not easy, but sometimes it is even harder when the ones you love try to give you advice but expect you to do what they want.

It is my life, and I need to be stronger. This is a struggle, but something needs to be done.

Colombus Circle

I am between colombus circle and 42nd st. I am in the "A" train.

Today is Monday, everyone hates Mondays nowadays. We hate Mondays because many of us have jobs that we don't and that many times we have because we need the money, because we need to survive. So in order to do so we sacrifice our own satisfaction and because our needs we get jobs that we can do but that we don't want.

So today I woke up like every other normal person.... I wanted to stay in bed all day long. But instead I remember the advice a new friend gave me on Friday night " You have to work you ass hard, not only here in NYC but in your life. If you want to achieve something in life you have to work hard"

True. So many times I have felt defeated and I haven't even tried yet. The true is that sincere advice is stuck in my mind and I remember it every time I feel tired this Monday. I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to win in life. I know that I will lose sometimes but the fact is that life isn't fair and life isn't for losers.

Chris talked to me with such an authority because he has gone through a lot of shit already, and he is here and he has achieved and he keep fighting because his goals are being accomplished but he knows he isn't done yet.

I wonder why so many times people gives us advice but we don't take it. I think that sometimes we realized that we need some stranger who gives you advice because they even if they don't know you, want good for you.

I had to go down in Utica avenue because I took the Lefferts boulevard "a" train instead of the Rockaway train.

Well so as I was saying. The decisions we do everyday are the ones that are important. Maybe  I already knew all what Chris told me that day.... but maybe that day I realized and took responsibility of the advice I have known for a while.

So I woke up, I got me a cup of coffee, I got to the shower without thinking much and I dressed up, drank my coffee,  brushed my teeth, got my bag and got out of the apartment. Got to the subway station, took a picture of the sunrise and got to the train. I thought about taking a nap but then I realized that is not the best thing to do if you want to stay awake with a good attitude. So instead of that I took "Dorothy must die" out of my bad and continue where I left it. Got to work, I got on time! And suddenly it was 5:30. What a nice day. I saw and talked to this guy that I like a lot at work and he gave me his number. Then I saw my good Colombian friend, we'll call her "B" and had a good time. I got out from work and the day was cold but not awful cold, it was nice cold so I walked to the 7 train subway station, got to the subway and as always I was standing because I love how Manhattan looks like from long island city. I got down in grand central and then decided to walk. So I walked up to central park, then I walked to Columbus circle, took some pictures.

There it was the feeling. I felt satisfied because my day has been so good so far. I got to work, to walk, to enjoy the weather, to read(Oz  is fucked up because of Dorothy), to flirt ( I know haha) and to feel happy.

I am getting to the JFK stop now. The sun is set already, and I just received a text from the guy I like. Such a good day.

He/Me

He: We would fuck so good.

Me: If you were here, probably we would be just kissing, fucking and joking around right now.....you are like me.

He: Hahaha a little acid, sarcastic and clown? Yes, we are alike, and it feels good.

Me: I hate that you are so far. You  could be the perfect fuck buddy, the perfect lover and maybe something else.....definitely something else.

He: Oh, so you are looking for something serious? Something real? Love?

Me: Why not? I want something substancial, I am 24 but I am tired of superficial things. I want something meaningful.

He: By superficial do you mean sex?

Me: No, not only sex. There are many things.

He: I want to hear more, I like to hear you talking. I imagine you in front of me......tell me more.

Me: We are young, we are learning, we make mistakes, we are beautiful, we are free, we are fucking crazy!
I would like to share that with someone...

He: I..... I would love to be that someone. But the distance.....It is weird how things work.

Me: I have never thought about it, but now it makes sense. For a while I thought I would never be ready for someone new, but I am, I feel strong and I love me again.  I've changed. I am not who I used to be, everything has changed....from love, to nothing  to ashes, to be me again.

He: I am scared. It is like if we have been friends forever. We are here with this big and great thing between us, and what can we do? Nothing more than dreaming that someday we will be together for a while. Nothing more than dreaming how I will make love to you and how you will make love to me.

Me: I am not going to say life is not fair, but life is fucking weird. It makes things that we sometimes don't understand in their moment, but we later understand the purpose of it.

He: Hahaaha I don't understand what is going on with me. I think I like you and you like me so much that is weird. I have never felt a strong connection like this with anybody. The way we talk, the way we are makes me wanna kiss you and make love with you for hours and days.

Me: Fucking "his name". Why are you so far? Why didn't you showed up before....

He: Maybe it wasn't the time for us to show in our lives....

Me: I have to sleep. A big kiss for you....and a bite in your lower lip.

He: A big hug and kiss while I grab your ass.

Me: Hahahaha so sweet from you hahahaha bye.....ttyl.

He: I'll probably dream of you. Bye
.

October 15th

I am in the subway. There is a really cool guy drawing next to me. I am in broadway junction, in the "A" train. It is a very weird but good day.

I moved to NYC about two months and a week ago. To be honest I wanted to move for a long time, I was depressed and feeling as if my life was going nowhere. I am here now, maybe is not the best city in the world, but it is a city full of dreamers and fighters and THAT'S the type of city that I need right now.
It is not easy to get out of a depression, sometimes I don't want to even wake up. I try to feel better everyday and I say to myself: "I will be better today, I will have a motive and I will smile and make my dad and mom proud of me and be the better version of me", but then those stupid thoughts kick in...."It is not worth it. Why will you fight if you will die?"
I think about depression like an addiction, you have to fight it everyday. It is a demon living inside you that can break your spirit and leave you laying in your bed for days, for weeks.....
I don't know for how long I have been this way. I think that I have been up and down since the day of my car accident, who knows but me.
I like to make people laugh, I feel certain happiness when I see people laughing. Sometimes I think that I rather to see people doing better and improving their life before me. It is weird. Because most of the people who knows me knows that I have a strong and good attitude. But this that I have inside makes me feel as if I am becoming someone I don't want to.
I am in New York City! The capital of the world and the best city in the world for many. I should be happy just because of this change but I don't feel like that. I do think in the other hand that I am doing way much better than before.
I do believe that this beautiful city will take the best out of me, I do have a good feeling from all this changes.
Changes can be good or bad it depends on the side you see it.
I am riding a train that can take me to the best stage of my life or I can stay here forever sitting and watching how everyone goes down and continue with their lives.  New York has been the thoughest test in my life. Every aspect of my life is changing. People is so different, things are so different, culture is so different. But that "different" is an "amazing" kind of different. I don't want to make fantasy dreams of the outcome of this adventure, I do have goals and I am struggling....but I have a good feeling of all of this. I don't want to feel as If I have achieved something yet or as if I have acomplished something yet, , because I have learned that you cannot define life, because life is like a cloud....it never stops changing, it can become a storm or it can become the most beautiful cloud in the sky.

I missed to write so much.

I am two stops away from my apartment. The train is slightly crowded and the guy who was drawing got off in rockaway boulevard.

The time has come for you to do the best for your life!

I am writing this post at 2:32 am.
I can't sleep.
I am anxious for this day.

This day will mark my life for good or for bad. I am just focusing in the good side.
Four months and 4 days ago I turned 24.

I am going to do a big change in my life today. One of the biggest if not the biggest step in my entire life. I am chasing and fighting for my dreams.

A person without dreams can't be human. What are you without motivation or dreams? Nothing.

I am totally down for this. I can't wait.

Life is too short to focus on things that are not worthy and too beautiful to stop enjoying every second of it!

If you set your goals and your dreams, work fucking hard to get them!

Don't let anybody to stop you from chasing your dreams!

The only responsible for your dreams to come true is  YOU AND ONLY YOU!

Use your connections, look for support, fight for your dreams.

You are not a tree, if you want to move.........MOVE.
You are not an object, you are your only owner, if you want to break up .........break it up!
You are worthy, so look at the mirror and if you don't love what you see and if you don't love yourself how in the hell do you expect somebody else to love you fucker?

Stop making up excuses for every great opportunity. Of course you will be afraid of changes, but not taking the risk will be something that you will regret your whole life, and second chances are rare to get!

Invest in you. Believe in you. Have faith in you. Be your religion. Adore yourself. Be true to yourself. Give and take advice. SMILE. And remember...life would be so boring and pointless if everything it's easy. So never, but never think about giving up! Every dream is worth it!

Nobody tells you.

I guess I will never stop missing.....
I will never stop missing .......you
........your kisses
........your hugs
........your smile
........your voice
........your love.

With time I have understood that I will never stop missing you and that I will never stop loving you.

With time you understand that being in love opens your heart, that you become vulnerable, that you become weak... and that when that person leaves, your heart is wide open. That the person you loved the most can hurt you and that the memories will hunt you forever.
Nobody tells you that It will heart, that the damage they make will hurt forever, but that still you will love them, no matter how much it hurts.

You left me, you disposed me when I was no longer needed.

You went away, and to see you how your new life is so beautiful, without me in it, hurts even more.

That I am no one, that I am just someone you left, that I am disposable and with no meaning for you.

I am tired to cry, to be in pain, to feel broken, but I can't control it.

Nobody will ever tell you what is to be in love with your first love, never.

Most of all, nobody will ever tell you how much it hurts, and if they do, you won't believe them. You will not believe when they tell you that with that person you will feel your heart for the first time.

That when you see that person your heart pumps faster and you feel alive.

That when your heart is broken you literally feel your heart.....in pieces.

That when your hearts rips apart piece by piece, you feel nothing but pain.

Nobody will tell you that when it starts to heal.....
There will be a wound
Then a scar
And that you will always remember why the scar is there, and once you remember....
the memories of the kisses
Of the hugs,
Of their smile
Of their voice will come like a rush to your mind, and than that part of you that is dead will live for a minute so it can die again.

This healing process has been perhaps one of the most challenging things that I have ever gone through.
I try to not to break every day.
And I try
I try
Everyday.

I heard once that it takes the same amount of time that you were with that person to get over them. It doesn't, and if it does, it feels forever.

Sometimes I would like to forget....but then I remember you, and even I know I will feel broken, I like to think of you.

Also nobody tells you that with time, it starts to hurt less and that everyday the memories become your dreams, and that the memories doesn't hunt you and stop chasing you while you are awake, just when you are sleeping.

Nobody tells you that you sometimes feel afraid, that when it starts to hurt less, that probably you will forget, that you feel afraid to forget.

Nobody will ever tell you......an exact definition of what love is.

Nobody ever tells you that love is guilty pleasure.

Because love is/means/hurts/feel different for all.

Let Me Down Gently

Today you started to talk about how people is into you. 

How people is "weird" but you don't see the signs.

You told me that I can't stand to talk about it.

I guess that is because I am your ex. 

I guess because I still love you.

I guess because you were and still are my first and only love until now. 

I guess that because I learned what is to love and fall in love with you.

I guess that maybe is because of that....

I tried to keep strong and then I breathed.

I listened and gave you advice.

I succeed...... for a moment

Then to hear that didn't break me.

But I felt how I started to crack inside.

It hurt again.

I still feel

Not something, but so much for you.

Not less than before.

But now its easier to stop thinking about it and let go.

Let me go gently, because I still feel for you.

I am letting you go.....and I try to ignore that it hurts to do so.

Let me down gently.

Bye, for now.

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. - (IDAHO)

Is not about "gay" rights. It is about EQUAL HUMAN rights. All humans deserve to have the opportunity to be miserable or happy in all the world. Nobody deserves to be killed, incarcerated, punished for who they are, for who they love, or for being born in the wrong body. Since we are not GOD we are no one to judge the life from another human being. Nobody wants to be a second class citizen. I pay taxes, I demand the same equal rights.

If you don't understand what is to be discriminated for who you are, to be bullied for who you love or to be pointed with a finger and be called things, if you don't know what is to be called an abomination, to be told that you are wrong and sick, if you haven't tried to commit suicide, if you haven't been treated as if you aren't worth it, if you haven't been denied your rights as a human being, then you have no right to judge the condition of the LGBT population. You have no right to judge because is not easy to deal with HOMOPHOBIC BIGOTED ASSHOLES every day.

If you are one, think that no matter what you do if you are a father/mother that your kid might be LGBT. That your sister/brother/sibling could be lgbt. That someone you love is LGBT. Are you sure you want your loved ones to go through that? Stop HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA.

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. - (IDAHO)

Xenofobia y Religión. Amor duro de separar.

Pláticaba con un amigo y un creyente religioso. Estabamos revisando unas ofertas en internet y ví una consola de videojuegos y le dije "siempre quise una consola, pero nunca lo tuve porque atrofiaba supuestamente el cerebro, al menos eso me decían". Mi amigo me dijo: "Sí, así como los smartphones, el internet, los libros mundanos y las computadoras atrofían el cerebro". A lo que yo le respondí: "Tenes razón, así como la biblia atrofía cerebros tambien" , "Entonces" respondío: "Estas sugeriendo que la palabra de Dios es algo que atrofía cerebros, es como que digas que Dios es algo malo", "NO", respondí "Dios no tiene nada malo, ni la biblia, ni las consolas de juegos, ni los smartphones, ni el internet, mi punto es que todos los extremos son malos, usted sabe que mucha gente ha tomado a mal la palabra de Dios para poder juzgar y atormentar las vidas de otras personas, o para hacer dinero de la palabra de Dios, estoy muy seguro que Dios no quiere eso". "Tenes razón, los extremos son malos, pensé que te referías a Dios"...."NO, Dios esta bien, los extremos estan mal y algunos de sus seguidores extremistas e intolerantes, nada más".

Muchos seres humanos creemos que tenemos una mentalidad abierta a diferentes y nuevos puntos de vista, pero en realidad cuando nuestros principios son cuestionados reaccionamos como si estuvieran violentando nuestra vida. Nuestros principios son intolerantes y cerrados. ¿Reaccionamos así porque nuestros principios y todo en lo que creemos podría ser destruido de un momento a otro? Todos tenemos y tememos a que todo cambie, más cuando alguien nos refuta y nos hace ver que estamos equivocados y que lo que creemos no existe.

Algo con lo que los creyentes y los no-creyentes se confrontan es ¿Dios existe? Podes creer en Dios y dejar de creer en el con los argumentos que sean correctos, pero en realidad cada quien adecua la verdad que se le es mostrada a su conveniencia. Fuí criado en un hogar en lo que Dios es todo, lo primero en las vidas antes que tu familia, antes que tus deseos, antes que todo es Dios. Al mismo tiempo fuí criado con muchas posibilidades de pensamiento, se me inculcó la lectura, aprender acerca de los países más desarrollados que estaban fuera, de las líneas de pensamiento que no eran como la mia. Directamente e indirectamente abrí mi mente al mundo. Fue dificil el proceso de aceptamiento que mi familia tuvo, de toda la familia extensa, yo me independice, yo fuí el primero que dejo de seguir la religión que se me había inculcado, hasta ahorita nadie de mi familia extensa o cercana me trata de inducir de nuevo a la iglesia, porque saben que tengo muchos argumentos y que no regresaré a ser parte de una institución que promueve la intolerancia, la discriminación, el machismo y la discriminación. Muchas personas son fieles creyentes de la biblia, tienen "FE" creen y se aferran a algo que no se ve. Mientras son fieles adoradores de la biblia olvidan las palabras de sus lideres en el pasado y se convierten en extremistas intolerantes que reaccionan ferozmente a lo que sus mentes no entienden. Lo desconocido les causa miedo, indignación, intolerancia, rechazo y odio en muchas ocasiones.

En muchos países desarrollados la población no se identifica con ninguna religión, o con Dios. Eso no significa que estas personas no tengan principios morales. La moralidad esta asociada con la religión por los mismos religiosos, por la iglesia católica en sus inicios y ahora por las dos la católica y la protestante. En los países desarrolados se ha dado un fenomeno, en que la gente prefiere aprender, entender, estudiar y si aún así no entienden.....aprenden a tolerar y aceptar que no todas las personas piensan igual, y que no todos queremos lo mismo.

La intolerancia a las cosas que no entendemos tiene que dejar de ser un tema de debate en las leyes de nuestro país y de los países del mundo. "Dad al Cesar lo que es del Cesar, dad a Dios lo que es de Dios" . Jesús lo supo y lo enseño, si Jesus entendió esto y supo que el estado es una entidad completamente desligada a la iglesia ¿Por qué sus seguidores no lo entienden?

Solo tuve una pequeña catarsis acerca de los religiosos, sus extremos y su fobia a lo desconocido.

Selfish vs Selfless

Being a selfish person is one of the worst characteristics a human being can have, being proud of being selfish is disgusting. Is like being proud of being a murderer, only on type of person can feel that way and it is a psycopath/psociopath.

I have met some selfish people, some of them I once called my friends, one of them is my sister, one of them was me.

This type of people only cares about how they feel, the goals that they need to reach no matter how nor matter what they will do, they don't care about advise, they close their minds to feedback and they are willing to hurt people, to treat them as nothing, even knowing what they are doing, they don't care because of the sanity of their egos, blaming the person that cares for them, always being saints, never being wrong, never making mistakes.

This people that thinks they have conquered everything or that will conquer their goals, by hurting someone else. I have been like that before, I hate the person I used to be. I damaged so many people, and I can't undo what I have done. I can see how much damage I did to my people who loves me and how their wounds still hurt when they remember the past, what I did to them.

I went through a self-destruction stage in my life. My selfish and destructive being died when I had a car accident. Then I wasted 2 years of my life figuring out who I really was, who I really am, if I needed those people with me or if I was the bad in my life. Guess what did I find out? I was my own problem, my demon, my weapon and my target.

I learned to smile again, and to see how people's happiness in simple things made them happy, made me happy too. I learned to share, to see, to learn, to absorb and to reject. I learned to found me, who I really am. I am not the same who I find out I was. We constantly change, we always evolve to become the best or in the worst version of our yesterday. 

You learn that material things will be there, but is not the material what makes you happy. Of course you need shoes, food, coffee (my only addiction haha)......but you also need love, you need peace, friends, your family, you need you to be yourself. I can remember how I used to feel, so full of rage, hate, how selfish I was, believing that I was all I needed to conquer everything......I was a fool and a really asshole.

Sometimes you can hear "Be selfish with yourself". Sometimes I think that what they try to tell you is "Focus on yourself" and that doesn't mean to be selfish, being selfish brings a lot of negative feelings to your life. Learning how not to depend on hate, rage & egoism, so you can feel powerful is what is most challenging. Why? Because that means that you have to discover yourself and to find out what truly motivates you, what brings you happiness, what can give you pure strength without depending on rage.

Being selfless brings happiness, you can be happy by helping others and caring about the ones you love, you have to care and love yourself that doesn't mean you are selfish. We live in a world full of wonders, and keeping emotions and things to "ourselves" is just a fantasy that only people in denial can think of. At certain point or another you will need the help of a human being or mother nature to achieve your goals, and to reach happiness.

Egoism only brings destruction from your feelings to your world. People gets tired of dealing with your shitty attitude towards life, towards love, family and friends. Your beloved ones can survive without someone who is selfish, self-destructive, who is harmful for others.

Can you survive with yourself being that disgusting, self-indulgent and hideous being you are? Not for long.

Rage feeling.

What you do to me is not fair.

The way you treat me, like if I am no one.

Like if I gave you a decease instead of love.

The way you think I will be there only when you need me.

I don't want to be treated this way.

Is not the distance, is you.

And if you ever expect me to be the same and forget this.

You are wrong, because you have hurt me and you keep treating me like shit.

If you think that we will ever be the same or good, you are wrong.

This, us........I don't know if there will ever be an us again.

Because if distance put us away, your attitude towards me is what ended this.

Probably you are not thinking what you are doing.

I understand that she hurt you and she brainwashed you and took you for granted.

She hurt you.

But I don't deserved this

I don't deserve and I don't need you to hurt me.

And you are shitting the cards you have with me.

I hope you realize of what you have done and what you keep doing

Because I still love you, but you are losing me.

You are taking this to the limits and you don't have the right to treat anyone this way.

All that we were, that we are, all that we might be, is in our hands, not only yours.

I do recommend you to think better and to think more than once your words and attitudes toward those who you love.

Because I am getting tired of you.

And by saying this I mean that If we ever meet again in the same city, I might not want to know anything about you anymore.

Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill - Official Music Video

This song marked my teen days. Actually this song helped me a lot to go through those dark days.



I love you Kate Bush, thank you!

Say Something

                                                                 "Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

Sleater-Kinney - Jumpers [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Style or Substance. What matters the most? - Practice Essay

Assignment: 
Is style more important than substance? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
________________________________________________________________________

Style more important than substance?

Not, really. Substance is what is most important in life, not style. Why? Because you can live a very stylish life, but life without substance is nothing, by the end of the day you will be just a living "person" not a real "human". Style is something that is part of substance. If you have substance you therefore will have your own style to live, to learn about every experience, to read books, to know people, to see life. Its about your substance how your life will be, not about the "style" your life has. 

Writers, for an example. Every writer has a different style to create their novels, their jobs; either they are non-fiction, fiction, documentary, a journal, a diary, poetry, essays, etc. There are different styles that writers use to create their master pieces, style is what makes them different from other authors, but substance is what measures their success, not the style they write. Its the substance what you read, the knowledge they have, how they apply that knowledge or fictionary world into their job, so when you read it you are taken to another world, or to the place where the news are being developed, or to inform you what they are trying to share with you. Its the substance of their job what matters, style is something important, but not as much as substance. What it is inside is what makes the book valuable, not the style, style is just a plus.

Art is another example. There are many art styles, you can find a different style or way to creat art within the centuries, but what makes special those pieces of art are the substance their artist printed on them. What they were feeling, how they looked at the world or someone, how they felt the air, how they looked at some place and tried to make that feeling or impression live forever. They used their technique and their style to make it happen, but it is substance of things the reasone why it happenned.

Poverty and richness. Both different types of living, but both have something in common: Substance. It depends on who and what you are how you will live your life, you can be happy with all of the money, and without all of it. You can be empty or full of joy. You will might have the most glamorous style or the worst life style, but that doesn't depends on money, it depends on the substance of who you are, not your style. 

Substance is everything. Is what makes us as differents and human beings, what makes the world a beautiful place. Style is a part of substance, but not more important than it.


P.D. 
I got 5 out of 6 in my score btw. Will try to improve for the next one. 

Live.

Death is something unkown for many, only those who are dead and not with us anymore, know how is like to be dead and not alive in this body.

Some people out there is dying because they don't have what to eat, because of social injustice and because of so many things in life that are not fair.

Some people complains about what they have and about what they don't have, about things that are not neccessary to live, some people die because they can't afford medicine, because they can't afford a good living condition and those who die are the ones who must worry for living than those who have so many blessings and can't see those things because they can't see further than their nose.

I was standing on the sidewalk of my house today in the morning and a homeless dog was passing by, he looked at me and I say hi to him, he smiled and move his tail, he got closer and he look at me and he was happy to say hi to me, and then he kept walking. A dog that doesn't know me and was so happy to see me just because I say hi to him.

There was this other day when I got out from work, the usual thing to do, I took the public transportation and I started to think many things as usual. I was standing inside the bus right in the middle, when I looked at one of the seats and I saw this old sick lady. She was obviously going to her home and most likely from the hospital, because she had meds and a hospital bandage. Her sight was lost, looking at the nothing. It killed me inside to see her eyes and to see how sad and worried she look, her little beautiful eyes where tired and sad, and I felt really bad about it, because I was not able to do anything for her, to make her situation better and it hurt me very much. I wanted to do something, anything, so the only thing it occur to me was to give her a granola bar I had in my bag, so I took it out and I gave it to her. She didn't look at me, she took the bar and she stare at it, she took it with both of her hands and she put it in her chest and  then it happenned: that moment where my heart and her heart were connected, she looked at me back and smiled at me, I smiled back at her and the time felt endless and I felt sad and happy at the same time. I arrived to my bus stop, I smiled to say bye and she did the same. I got down and started to cry because I felt pain and sad because I was powerless.

Life is not fair for all, and I remember that some people are really having a very hard time and we complaint for nothing sometimes, but this people that suffers a lot, they still smile back at you when you look at them as the humans they are and not with pitty or sadness. Life is not fair, but that is part of what it makes it complex and beautiful.

Problems, sickness, complications and death are a blessing to remind us that life is precious, unique; that is worth to live it and to enjoy. That life is full of wonders, blessings, feelings, ups and downs, learnings. To know that we are here and not dead. Death is something that will happen any time or another, but you decide wether to live or not while you are still alive and to make a difference in this world and to create and envision a better version of you every day, LEARN and while you do it, live every experience as the last one!

 Please, LIVE. 

Silvia.

Literally. I am listening to Chvrches - Recover while I write this post. So you better listen to it so you can feel the vibe too, haha.

Today I hang out with a friend that I haven't seen since about 3 years ago. And we hang out, went to the movies (BTW CAPTAIN AMERICA IS AWESOMEEEE, GO WATCH IT!), then we went to our old university (Where I studied 6 semesters of industrial engineering), and then we went for some ice cream.

It was very refreshing to see her, to see how people changes and grow and move forward with a smile while they fall and when they get up.

I really loved to hang out with you today Silvia. You remind me those days when we were in our late teens and we were so naive and go around from one building to another, having fun, falling in love for 10 minutes and then getting over the person that we had the crush with and go to class, getting stressed but overall having fun of every experience.

Catching up was so refreshing and you are always smiling and with that great mood, its so funny how you tell stories about how a guy broke your heart after 3 long years and how you were telling me that with a smile and then "Well fuck it, I cried only 15 days and then I moved on, time is too precious" ........ what a lesson that you have learned and that I have learned just a few days ago. MOVE ON and enjoy what comes next, but always smiling and embracing life.  You have been always a fighter and I realized about that until today.
And you told me so many things about me that now I am learning to embrace and that makes me unique. Thanks to you I remember today that our past and our experience makes us who we are and that we have to keep growing and smiling at all times. You remind me that we can be the best in whatever our goal is, that the key factor is never stop trying.

Thank you Silvia.

Your friend, Mario.

Stop! - Poetry?

No room for sadness.
No room for thinking.
No room for what you were feeling.
No room for looking back.

You are being chased.
You are running.
You are strong.
You don't have time.

Time is precious.
Time is for doing all that you can.
Time is worth it.
Stop thinking.

You are wasting time.
Time is being wasted by you.
You are wasting seconds, minutes, even hours.
Those seconds, minutes, even hours will not come back.
You waste it.

Deception.
Dreams.
Death.

Stop!

Love?
Will come back.
The same?
Maybe in a different person.
Hope?
For fools, be realistic.
Happy?
For being alive.

What is this?
A process.
For what?
For getting better.
Healing?
There will always be a scar.

Believing?
In you, never stop believing in you.

What is this?
I don't know.

Stop!
Stay blank
Breathe.
Live.

Too much.
This is becoming bullshit.
No.
It is not fair.
It's hard to handle.
But it can be better.

Heart
Mind
Body
Should be one.
Be one.
Be you.

What if?....

Stop!

I write.

It's so hard to deal with this.

I don't think I was ready to love. Why? Because I just knew that love was a situation that can happen to everyone that It will take me down for a while before I could learn and grow from it.
It is such a fucking complicated situation where you get in to without knowing anything about the relationship you are getting in to it. Is like being an investor and not knowing what you are investing your time in. You don't know anything about it. You just know that you can fall inlove with that person and let the time goes by and see how everything grows and gets better so one day can end.

Here is the thing. I write. This is the only method I have known since I was a teen to relieve what I feel, so I don't explode so I don't keep all this inside. I know that all of the things I write might not have sense or that I might seem crazy. But I swear I have nothing or someone to tell everything that I feel or just talk about this that I feel or what I would like to do. Anne Frank said it, I customize it: Paper (Blog) just listen, unlike humans! You just say it, you don't have to justify what you say. So I write, and then I read, and then maybe a week later I read and I feel better, because I don't even remember how I was feeling and its good, because that means that I am feeling better. Its my own therapy to let out, to let go and to keep mentally sane.

So I have been writing a lot about love and feelings lately. Its very obvious that there is something inside me that is not ok with all of this yet. It is hard to describe and to understand, I just can describe it like a fucking salad of feelings but I am getting better lately. I am getting stronger. The storm that was spinning around my heart and mind is finally disipating and I think I can see some sunlight inside me again, and that's good. That means I am getting better.

It is my first love, it is the first time I have felt so many feelings and so much passion inside. I just never thought that I would be capable of so much, and to get it over and to become stronger and to realize that little by little you don't need to think or to be with that person anymore, because you are actually moving on. And that.........its good and it feels quite right.

It's getting easier to stop thinking about you and to keep you away, I remember a month ago, it was so fucking hard to keep you away, to think of you and to feel sad and so melancholic. Your love did a huge impact and change a lot in me. I am getting better and depending less and less of my heart and becoming stronger again, better than before. I am more stronger to keep away from you and I like it, because I don't like to feel sad all of the time, altough it is good to be sad, because if you are sad that means that soon you will be happy and better. It is a life style that you choose, to be happy and to be stronger. And many might think that being with someone is just a "normal" thing that happens and you cannot avoid. Well you can choose not having it, because I want my essence to be only for me, because when you get with someone, a part of you stays with them, and stays with them forever and your essence is there, not only yours anymore. So for now, I am getting better and that's all.

I write. And I feel better. Thanks.-

Humanity is not lost.

One day someone I really appreciate told me:

"The difference between you and me, is that I'm ok with my life and I just want to focus on me and what I want. But you, want to change your life, and you want to change the world. I don't want to change it, and you want to make everything better."

I think he told me that as a critic or to make me feel bad, but instead I felt proud of me, and that if people think that of me I am happy that is the perception I give. Because YES I want to change the world. This world is full of beautiful things, as well as so many awful things that happens everyday, and we just ignore them and do nothing about it.

Humanity is beautiful, the earth is beautiful and the universe that surrounds us as well, why shouldn't we try to improve and make our world a better place to live, for everyone and not just for a few?

We never realize that the world problems are now a matter that should concern everyone, because we are no longer living in a world where nobody knows about the injustice and inequality that occurs in every corner of the world.

We are 7 billions of humans. That is seven thousand millions of humans. (Just to clarify)

Why do we never realize the power that we have? But we leave the responsability to improve the world to our politicians, presidents, governors, ministers, etc.... Instead of us doing something we leave everything to a few that at the end of the day only cares about the sovereignity of their country/empire. The world is ready for us to stand up for many causes that are worth it.

Gender inequality, machism, homophobia, poverty, the huge breach between social classes, better education, wars, religious intolerance, animal abuse, environmental issues, world warming, deforestation, and I can make a really huge list.

The world can be different if everyone of us could concern and try to change one thing every month in our culture, but starting by ourselves. In a year you could change 12 things and make the world a better place for humanity by doing an effort every month.

Leaders and humanitarians such as Mahatma Ghandi, Monseñor Romero, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, and others did the change, and the impact of their actions and their activism changed the reality of many. I'm not intending to say that we all should be like them, because their life was full activism, we have many things to do, but there is always room to do something.

If you are a gay person and you live in a first world country, you should speak for those like you who are being killed and being imprisoned and beaten just for being who they are in those countries where extremist religious beliefs rule the society. Be their voice, speak up for them. It hurts to see how many politicians that put their religious beliefs first instead of analazing and thinking about the situation that LGBT population goes through because of people who is blind by their beliefs.

If you are woman and you are strong and can stand against abuse and inequality and speak up, you should share your courage and strength to those girls that are being abuse and that are being treated in a form nobody should; speak for them, stand for them, be a light for them. It is so sad to see a world where the female population is bigger than the male population and still is being out ruled and discriminated by those who think that man are more capable of women.

If you are a man and you are tolerant and you believe in equality and that we all are the same and that you are not better than anybody just because of your gender........speak up against those who believe they are more capable than those who doesn't share their bigoted thoughts about gender superiority.


Those are just some things that you could do and change. It is so shocking to see how our society has evolved in so many good things, but in the other hand it seems that we are going nowhere. There are are many countries that have the power to change so many human rights abuse and discrimination, and be the voice for those who are being smashed in so many places, but since those countries don't have oil, nobody cares about doing something. We are not late to react and to keep that light that makes us humans and that makes humanity so beautiful, we are world citizens, we share the same world, there are not physical frontiers. We are all capable of beautiful things, if just the half of the population could engaged and change something the world would improve so much.

There is light in the world, but we just have to realize that is inside of us and start shining and become a star in a world that really needs more light.

Goodbye letter.

I'm not going to lie.

I have never been inlove as I did with you. I have had a crush or two maybe but I have never been inlove and felt loved as I did with you.

This started out of nowhere like something impossible and something actually beautiful. When I remember how our first date was, and all of the following dates, they were just the best.

You became a really good friend and maybe the best one I have had so far. I remember the talks, how they last hours and hours and we never got bored of each other. How we used to laugh , how you used to touch me, how I used to touch you, how you used to see me, with that look that burned me insided with passion, how we used to kiss each other in a timeless manner, and to realize how time was our enemy.

To find someone who thinks so alike and someone who has so many goals in common its so weird, so estrange.

You made me feel like nobody.
You changed me.
You gave me love and made me believe in me again.
You gave me strength.
And you taught me to never depend on anyone than yourself.

There is a fact that I will never be able change, my life will never be the same after this. I guess that nothing is actually the same after every second that dies, but this actually cause a revolt in me.

I am not the same. I have loved, I have never loved this hard. I didn't knew I was capable of loving so hard and that loving someone so hard and with so much passion will drain energy and that a part of your essence goes away with that love that you give.

The truth is that I have never thought of anybody as I have done it with you.

We are not together anymore. This great thing we had was cut because of the simple fact that your dreams started to become reality and I was not in the picture, because of the reality of the things and because you choose to focus in yourself before the world. This is not a complain just a description.

"     " (There goes your name) Thank you so much for all of the experience that you have given me. I want you to know that I don't work the way you do. It hurts me a lot, it hurts to think of you and to picture your smile and you sight. It hurts to remind you and remember every single moment we had. "     " I am not strong as you are, I am vulnerable now, I am learning to get over this, to get over you and to realize that I will never love someone else as hard as I have loved you. I want you to know that letting you go is one of the hardest things that I have done and that I am doing and fighting againts the nature of things every day is so exhausting.

I want you to know that I will never stop loving us, what we had, what we were. I will love you for the time that my life lasts. I am not being tragic, this is just me a person who writes to relieve pain.

I want you to know that is not hard, but that I am doing my best to be selfish and to be the better version of myself everyday. I want you to know that sometimes I can't handle it and you come to my mind and it feels good, and I don't want to apologize anymore for this that I feel.

I want you to know that I am learning so much from this and from you.

I want you to know that a piece of my, will be always with you.

Now, my friend. I have to try to move on. I have to be true to myself and to make my dreams come true too.

Te amo. Hasta pronto.

PD.

There is no need to reply, please let me close this, because this is my closure, I think you already did, this is my time, so don't take my moment away. Bye

Letter

I really would like to know all the answers.
Really, I would love that.
Stop wondering how it could be, or what if this or that would happen.
And believe me I would love to disappear sometimes from earth or just stop living and check if something would be different or if someone besides my mom and dad would miss me.

And I started to write this thinking that I wouldn't be writing another post complaining or describing how shitty I feel. And believe me I spent all my childhood years and some of my teen years at the psychologist and at the end she told me that nothing was wrong with me. She told me that I need it to believe in me and to go out there and conquer the world. Well...  my mind is just a mess right now. I don't even know where to start, how to start and where to continue.

I am listening to Heroes by David Bowie, and I started to cry while reading the lyrics. I think that I'm such a baby sometimes, but I feel so many things happening inside me sometimes that only when I cry I feel like if I release something from me. I can go to the gym and be there 3 hours exercising or I can smoke (cigs) and still feel the same, but crying ..... is like opening the door for the shit to come out.

I would love for you to hear me and to be there, and I would really love that you can think of me as I do, and that you can realize that I need your support as I have given you support in the past too. But when I try to be open with you, you think that I am criticizing you or demanding something from you, and I really don't get it, why are you so defensive and offensive all of the time, sometimes I just need you to listen and to say something but not relating everything to you, as if my whole life spins around yours. You are so fucking selfish sometimes, that you don't even bother to ask how is my day, and if you ask you just do it for being polite but honestly, you don't give a damn about my day. You are always speaking in english lately and if I give you this to read you won't read it because is in "english", just another excuse for evading or you don't realize of all what I feel. Of all of the previous posts that I have written about all that I feel, but Is very fucking hard to realize that I have a better relationship with my blog than my relationship with you, and to say that we are away and that things doesn't work so well because of that is kind of like giving up or just giving a crap for keeping a friendship.....or a relationship.

Maybe you don't realize about it, but I always listen to you, and I always care about you and support you, when you were here, when you leaved and now that you are there. I am just asking you a little bit of support from you, that you can be my friend not just my "hello, how was your day and this is the picture of the day" kind of friend or boyfriend, and if you will say something like "I think you will be better without me" well stop right there because I am with you now, and you could have told me that warning at the beggning of everything because sometimes all of this is kind of fucked up for me, because sometimes I am not getting anything from you but coldness and more and more barriers between us. And I am feeling more shits that you maybe know, or that you maybe just ignore but It would be fucking good if you could wonder on how I really feel sometimes, and hey I'm not asking you to be a "loving and amorous" person, I just want to see some real feelings from your side because it seems that I am the only one feeling something now.....It would be good just to be clear and well be there for each other you know, not just one way, because I need you just as you needed me before and just as I was there for you before......I don't need a self-centered egotistical person with me, I need a real person who can be there.

Melanchoshit

I really don't know what is happening inside.
I tried to not feel, the more I try the more I feel.
I order my brain to be blank but my heart refuse.

This has never happenned to me before.
What is this?
Is there any medicine or any way to fix it?
Why do I think I need to be fixed.
Everything is just too confusing.

From light to darkness
From sadness to happiness
From smiling to suddenly cry
From feeling determined to feel wrecked.

I want to scream.
I feel how my heart skip a beat.
I feel powerless.
I feel incomplete. Something in me is missing.

Will I ever find it?
Will I ever stop?
Can I make it stop?

When I think I moved on.
I fall, and then I fall again and this time deeper than before.
This is stupid.

Days are the longest.
Often this takes hours
Sometimes minutes
And almost never seconds.

This is not just melancholy.
This is melanchoshit.

A country walking to chaos.

One day I woke up and realize that I am living in a country going nowhere.

This is the country where I was born, but not the country where I want to belong.

I don't want to be part of this place. 

Should I feel bad about it, I guess I should but now is part of me and part of my motivation to keep fighting to reach my goals. 

I guess is just a feeling that many people have but no one says because it makes you a traitor. Well I'm a proud traitor of all the leaders and politicians who rules this beautiful country with amazing people.

Being yourself in this society is wild and is like if you are starting a revolution. 

We are so tired of politicians and their disgusting politics but we are so used to sit down and to watch how they keep being mediocres without us demanding better politicians and asking why nobody stand up and demand the real politics that we deserve.

 

What is wrong with this society, what is wrong with us? Do we like to live in a society that is not evolving or that is in chaos? 

Do we like to be one between thousands and see how others just think about their new shirt, their new phone or their new relationship. 

We live in a world and a society that needs our brain not our consumption and comatose opinion.

What is going to be of this place and this country in a few years? I'm afraid because I see the worst part coming: where there will be chaos, the violence will be something normal again and we will just get used to it. What about our humanity and why don't we demand security? 

The bridge between poors and wealthy people is getting bigger and the middle class is in between wondering if is the best to keep moving forward or just going back, because if you keep looking forward it seems that there is a pack of wolves waiting for you. 

This society is full of machism, religious intolerance, violence, gangs, corruption, narrowed minds and rich people without any type of humanism in their souls and so many politicians without any type of good principles. 

Now some people keep wondering why I want to get the heck out of this place. I can't even go out and walk without feeling chased or with paranoia and wondering if something bad will happen to me. 

Politicians don't know what is that, they use our taxes and our hard work to be secure in their shelters and their bubbles, reality is so much different. 

This country is going nowhere and if is going somewhere is to chaos. 

We deserve better.

You will never be the same

I didn't understand why love was so important for some people.
I didn't understand why it was so powerful in some people's feelings and behaviour.
I didn't know that one feeling could be so beautiful and so powerful, as well so complicated.

I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love because I didn't have the time for it.
I also remember that one of the feelings that I hate the most is to feel vulnerable, and I knew that at the moment I would fall in love I would be open and vulnerable, I don't know if describe it as an open wound but that's the best example I can think of by now.

Fire, it feels like fire, how runs through your veins and through your everything.....your soul, your heart, your brain..... how that fire makes you feel full of joy and happiness and how it burns.

All of the feelings has their good and bad sides, is like ying yang, everything in this world has its opposite. Love has hate. You cannot feel full of joy and happiness all of the time, the universe makes sure that we don't keep feeling like that all of the time so we don't forget our reality.

Nothing is perfect and as this post everything is a mess sometimes, you don't know where to begin, you don't know how it will grow and you don't fucking know how it will end.....therefore you are just a mess.

I'm not going to talk about the happiness and how beautiful love makes me feel. Because as you have been told and experienced it's fucking amazing........but the part that it hurts as lemon juice in a wound, that is the part that many avoid to talk about, the part where your brain gets lost and cloudy, the part when your heart really feels as a fucking mess where you feel your heart wounded and torn is the part that nobody talks about but cry and keep silence about.

Love is such a powerful feeling, it is more powerful than hate indeed. Love can blind you, can make you feel things that you would have never think they existed before. Is a feeling that has been the reason to create many shields in many hearts, so it won't make any damage any more, but even with a shield, love will find a way to get inside again, because it has never gone.

You try to clear your mind, the more you try, the stronger the memories and the feelings come back and crush you. Little by little you realize and learn that is not about forgeting or to just take it away, it takes a lot of courage to keep moving, because crying and feeling shit will not fix anything. Either if you are not with that person, or if that person is away but you still together, or if it is just complicated.... even if your heart is torn and it hurts so bad..... you learn to keep smiling and to do your best to be YOU again.

You can hangout but people doesn't know or maybe they do, that his/her name is in your mind wishing so many things.

After a while, you learn that after this you will never be the same, that you have changed and that your heart is not the same. That you will never forget this, that it will always be a part of you, and that you probably will never stop loving that person, because they took a piece of you with them.

You will never be the same.