Suddenly I cry.

I haven't feel the need to cry since I got to the apartment on monday afternoon. I went straight to bed, and then I woke up late to try to eat something but my face hurted, so I ate a little bit, I drank a few pain relievers and went to sleep again.

Today I was talking to my mom, she lives in "the most dangerous country" in the world, which if you see the date and the year and google it you will find out which one is it.
I missed her so much, I missed my dad so much today, I missed my Dolly.
I miss my room and my comfort zone. I miss them so much today, and then the thought that I don't remember anything from the incident but still have the bruises makes me feel powerless.

And suddenly I started to cry, but I held myself.

I am trying to tell myself that everything will be better, but I don't know if it will.
Tomorrow I have to go to the police station and file a report, and I am scared of doing so.
I have to go to the bank and get a new card, and then a new phone, and I am afraid.
I don't know if I am afraid just now or if I feel insecure, I don't know exactly what I feel.

But now, for now I wish I could have someone to hug me, or to hug and cry, and cry without shame.

I wish I could rewind this days and go back and not going out on sunday.
Because right now, I don't know nothing......and I am crying.

Assault

I am afraid. Because I know my problem. I know what have been causing me this, and your own demons are the worst to defeat. I want my soul to feel complete, I want my spirit to feel in peace, all I feel is darkness, and sickness, because I know how to fix this. But making a change is hard, because some bad habits are hard to kill and quit. Thanks Life I still have conciousness and moral (Which is relative) but I guess I feel like this because I know what is the best for me, and I know this is not good. Yes, I am writing this to vent, and so you know how miserable I am feeling, because I am feeling conflicted. 

I feel responsible for what happen. I just remember that I went out to have some drinks to Chelsea and I was having fun, then a guy that I meet told me to go to dance, so we went to hell's kitchen, we went to two clubs, the first one was not funny so we went to this other one where we were dancing until 3 maybe?

I just remember that I was walking down to the subway and I wanted to eat some food, so I steped into a restaurant, and a guy started to talk to me and he invited me to his table with his friend and his girlfriend, to what I say Yes. 

I remember we started to talk and were having an nice talk. Then the guy's friend started me to ask me is I was gay to which I responded YES, and he said, wow, you definitely don't look like one. And his friend (The one who invited me to sit with them) asked me "DO I look gay to you?" To which I responded "You just look like a regular man, I don't know if you are or not, taht is not the reason why I talked to you" to what he responded, "well you certainly kept talking to me because you are gay and thought that I was" to what his friend said "Dude, chill out, we are the one who are talking about this not him, why are you reacting liket that?" to what his girlfriend said: "Well, it is very obvious that our friend is gay and feels intimidated by someone who is secure of himself" so they guy yelled at me and asked me to move so I stand up, and paid my bill, when I was paying my bill the waitress told me, "Don't feel bad" to which I responded "I am not feeling bad" but when I was signing my ticket, the guy approached to me and grabbed me from my neck and last thing I remember is that I was being thrown to the sidewalk somewhere in hell's kitchen.

I woke up next morning by 10:00 am in Bellevue Hospital, in the emergency room, wondering what happened, and then they explained that I was found bleeding in the side walk, unconcious and without my wallet and my phone was smashed. They say I was barely responding when the paramedics rescued me.

The social worker from the hospital told me to file a police report as soon I was out of the hospital, but a blizzard was starting and I decided to go home, I came home and have been in bed for the last two days. The social worker told me that I had been a hate crime victim, because the girl from the restaurant told the paramedics that the guy kick you while you were unconcious and yelled at you "fag, stupid fag" and then they leaved.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what or how to feel. 

I feel guilty until some point I guess I was, but I am feeling sick and bad about me. 

.

Challenge after challenge

One of the biggest lessons that I learned from 2014 was to never give anything for granted. Sometimes the things you are most comfortable with are the ones that goes away from life first.

Thigs that you think are yours and will be there all of the time are the things that you have to appreciate but that you to learn how to no get them for granted. For nothing is granted in life because things are borrowed to us in life so we can appreciate and change what is around us and so we can help our own little world become a better place.

People thinks that things are granted to them because of their social status or because of how much money you have. Things can be taken away or can get away from those who think are saved from the other and their bad luck.

I have learned to appreciate what I have, what I win, what I earn and it might be dumb but I also appreciate what I lose. Nothing will remain with you forever....first you won't last forever and your material things might go underground or might be burned with you but they will not feed your soul only the soil.

That is why you have to do your best at every situation and opportunity that life borrows you, because that could have been given to someone .... else, someone who might appreciate that opportunity more of what you will ever do.

I am in the subway. A guys just drop dead on the floor and I bet he didn't see that coming. From where I come you might get killed in the public transportation and als  drop dead and its so common that nobody even reacts. To see a life fading away from someone is shocking and at the same time at least to me... motivating because It reminds me that I am alive , and even life might be so hard sometimes.. . I AM STILL HERE.....LIVING. 

Regards,

Mario

Happy New Year.

Being transgender is ok, being gay is ok, being lesbian is ok too. Being different is ok. You know what IT is NOT ok? Being full of hate. It isn't right to believe that you are God and that you can judge others. It isn't ok to call yourself a christian when you don't follow Jesus steps, or did you forget that one of Jesus friends was a prostitute?

I believe in science, I also believe in God. I want to leave my statement very clear. I am almost 25 years old, I have meet many people, from diferent countries, different families, different religions and different beliefs. I want you to be aware that I do respect your point of view, as long as your point of view is not full of hate and full of intolerance.

 I do think that the books that you read and believe in such as the Bible, Coran, Tora, etc are good and you have the right to faithfully believe in them, but  thinking that your beliefs are alright doesn't mean you are better than anyone. I do not believe that millions of people who never heard about Jesus will go to hell just because they never did.

I do not believe that God wants millions to be dying because they starve because they do not have enough resources to live and enjoy life, I believe that humankind is bad and allow those things, not God.

I was raised to think, to differenciate and analyze from what is Good and it isn't. I go to church sometimes because I like the community, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything you preach or what the bible says.
I do not believe anyone is less or more than me, therefore I do believe that woman is equal as man.

I do not believe God is a MAN just because the bible say so, God is gender neutral and I do believe that MAN itself started to call God a FATHER because of MALE superiority.

I am just writing some of my ideas to you, giving the fact that you share and post so eloquently your thoughts, I do so too. That I think like this doesn't mean I AM BAD, YOU JUDGING THE WAY I THINK MAKES YOU WRONG.

Happy New Year folks!

May God and the Universe be always in our favor.