I really don't know what is happening inside.
I tried to not feel, the more I try the more I feel.
I order my brain to be blank but my heart refuse.
This has never happenned to me before.
What is this?
Is there any medicine or any way to fix it?
Why do I think I need to be fixed.
Everything is just too confusing.
From light to darkness
From sadness to happiness
From smiling to suddenly cry
From feeling determined to feel wrecked.
I want to scream.
I feel how my heart skip a beat.
I feel powerless.
I feel incomplete. Something in me is missing.
Will I ever find it?
Will I ever stop?
Can I make it stop?
When I think I moved on.
I fall, and then I fall again and this time deeper than before.
This is stupid.
Days are the longest.
Often this takes hours
Sometimes minutes
And almost never seconds.
This is not just melancholy.
This is melanchoshit.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A country walking to chaos.
One day I woke up and realize that I am living in a country going nowhere.
This is the country where I was born, but not the country where I want to belong.
I don't want to be part of this place.
Should I feel bad about it, I guess I should but now is part of me and part of my motivation to keep fighting to reach my goals.
I guess is just a feeling that many people have but no one says because it makes you a traitor. Well I'm a proud traitor of all the leaders and politicians who rules this beautiful country with amazing people.
Being yourself in this society is wild and is like if you are starting a revolution.
We are so tired of politicians and their disgusting politics but we are so used to sit down and to watch how they keep being mediocres without us demanding better politicians and asking why nobody stand up and demand the real politics that we deserve.
What is wrong with this society, what is wrong with us? Do we like to live in a society that is not evolving or that is in chaos?
Do we like to be one between thousands and see how others just think about their new shirt, their new phone or their new relationship.
We live in a world and a society that needs our brain not our consumption and comatose opinion.
What is going to be of this place and this country in a few years? I'm afraid because I see the worst part coming: where there will be chaos, the violence will be something normal again and we will just get used to it. What about our humanity and why don't we demand security?
The bridge between poors and wealthy people is getting bigger and the middle class is in between wondering if is the best to keep moving forward or just going back, because if you keep looking forward it seems that there is a pack of wolves waiting for you.
This society is full of machism, religious intolerance, violence, gangs, corruption, narrowed minds and rich people without any type of humanism in their souls and so many politicians without any type of good principles.
Now some people keep wondering why I want to get the heck out of this place. I can't even go out and walk without feeling chased or with paranoia and wondering if something bad will happen to me.
Politicians don't know what is that, they use our taxes and our hard work to be secure in their shelters and their bubbles, reality is so much different.
This country is going nowhere and if is going somewhere is to chaos.
We deserve better.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
You will never be the same
I didn't understand why love was so important for some people.
I didn't understand why it was so powerful in some people's feelings and behaviour.
I didn't know that one feeling could be so beautiful and so powerful, as well so complicated.
I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love because I didn't have the time for it.
I also remember that one of the feelings that I hate the most is to feel vulnerable, and I knew that at the moment I would fall in love I would be open and vulnerable, I don't know if describe it as an open wound but that's the best example I can think of by now.
Fire, it feels like fire, how runs through your veins and through your everything.....your soul, your heart, your brain..... how that fire makes you feel full of joy and happiness and how it burns.
All of the feelings has their good and bad sides, is like ying yang, everything in this world has its opposite. Love has hate. You cannot feel full of joy and happiness all of the time, the universe makes sure that we don't keep feeling like that all of the time so we don't forget our reality.
Nothing is perfect and as this post everything is a mess sometimes, you don't know where to begin, you don't know how it will grow and you don't fucking know how it will end.....therefore you are just a mess.
I'm not going to talk about the happiness and how beautiful love makes me feel. Because as you have been told and experienced it's fucking amazing........but the part that it hurts as lemon juice in a wound, that is the part that many avoid to talk about, the part where your brain gets lost and cloudy, the part when your heart really feels as a fucking mess where you feel your heart wounded and torn is the part that nobody talks about but cry and keep silence about.
Love is such a powerful feeling, it is more powerful than hate indeed. Love can blind you, can make you feel things that you would have never think they existed before. Is a feeling that has been the reason to create many shields in many hearts, so it won't make any damage any more, but even with a shield, love will find a way to get inside again, because it has never gone.
You try to clear your mind, the more you try, the stronger the memories and the feelings come back and crush you. Little by little you realize and learn that is not about forgeting or to just take it away, it takes a lot of courage to keep moving, because crying and feeling shit will not fix anything. Either if you are not with that person, or if that person is away but you still together, or if it is just complicated.... even if your heart is torn and it hurts so bad..... you learn to keep smiling and to do your best to be YOU again.
You can hangout but people doesn't know or maybe they do, that his/her name is in your mind wishing so many things.
After a while, you learn that after this you will never be the same, that you have changed and that your heart is not the same. That you will never forget this, that it will always be a part of you, and that you probably will never stop loving that person, because they took a piece of you with them.
You will never be the same.
I didn't understand why it was so powerful in some people's feelings and behaviour.
I didn't know that one feeling could be so beautiful and so powerful, as well so complicated.
I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love because I didn't have the time for it.
I also remember that one of the feelings that I hate the most is to feel vulnerable, and I knew that at the moment I would fall in love I would be open and vulnerable, I don't know if describe it as an open wound but that's the best example I can think of by now.
Fire, it feels like fire, how runs through your veins and through your everything.....your soul, your heart, your brain..... how that fire makes you feel full of joy and happiness and how it burns.
All of the feelings has their good and bad sides, is like ying yang, everything in this world has its opposite. Love has hate. You cannot feel full of joy and happiness all of the time, the universe makes sure that we don't keep feeling like that all of the time so we don't forget our reality.
Nothing is perfect and as this post everything is a mess sometimes, you don't know where to begin, you don't know how it will grow and you don't fucking know how it will end.....therefore you are just a mess.
I'm not going to talk about the happiness and how beautiful love makes me feel. Because as you have been told and experienced it's fucking amazing........but the part that it hurts as lemon juice in a wound, that is the part that many avoid to talk about, the part where your brain gets lost and cloudy, the part when your heart really feels as a fucking mess where you feel your heart wounded and torn is the part that nobody talks about but cry and keep silence about.
Love is such a powerful feeling, it is more powerful than hate indeed. Love can blind you, can make you feel things that you would have never think they existed before. Is a feeling that has been the reason to create many shields in many hearts, so it won't make any damage any more, but even with a shield, love will find a way to get inside again, because it has never gone.
You try to clear your mind, the more you try, the stronger the memories and the feelings come back and crush you. Little by little you realize and learn that is not about forgeting or to just take it away, it takes a lot of courage to keep moving, because crying and feeling shit will not fix anything. Either if you are not with that person, or if that person is away but you still together, or if it is just complicated.... even if your heart is torn and it hurts so bad..... you learn to keep smiling and to do your best to be YOU again.
You can hangout but people doesn't know or maybe they do, that his/her name is in your mind wishing so many things.
After a while, you learn that after this you will never be the same, that you have changed and that your heart is not the same. That you will never forget this, that it will always be a part of you, and that you probably will never stop loving that person, because they took a piece of you with them.
You will never be the same.
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