Start, Start, Stop!

We are so small in this world. 

We are just one among billions. 

We are many
We are nothing
We are everything
We are chaos
We are light. 

You can mean something for someone or nothing for someone else. 

You can make a huge difference in someone's life.....or not. 

You can create another human being or destroy it. 

You can do so many things or not

Many times we are restrained to do and chase what we want because we are familiarized with it so much that going out of our comfort zone is forbidden. 

Why do we have to stay comfortable with what we have or with who we are? 
Why do we have to be OK with the order of things? 
Why do we have to agree to live under standars and rules?
Why do we have to follow society? 
Why do we forget to listen our own voice?
Why do we forget about US?

There is no perfection in the human life which it means that there is always room to improve. Which it means that you can disagree and create a better path. 

You are not perfect, you are not more than anyone, you will die. 
There is no human who is certain about what will happen after you die. 

The goal shouldn't be: Be good so you can have another and a better life after this life. The goal should be: Just be the best that you can, for you and your world. 

Better things will come if you lose your fear to live and to be. You will find yourself and it will hurt, it is a painful process, but you become a better you and stronger. 

Start somewhere.

Start living. 

Stop fearing. 

By: Mario Guevara #EveryDayALittleDeath #Blog #Blogger #Writing #Writer #CentralPark #Nyc #newyork #manhattan #concretejungle #citythatneversleeps #boysofnyc #change #fearless #fierce #life #boys #autumn #yourvoiceisyourweapon #lifelessons

New

I was depressed. I had no motivation at all, no expectations of life. At one point all what I wanted to do was staying in my room and just be, not thinking and not even crying anyomore. 

I was in such depression that my dreams and goals seemed imposible and part of the science fiction world. I started to give up and I just didn't believe in anyone neither in me. 

I tried to get away. 
I knew that I needed a fresh start. 
I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be no one and someone at the same time. 
Somewhere where I would never  disappoint anyone including me.
Somewhere where I could be me and take control of everything. 
Somewhere where I could feel alive, where I could walk among people and be a perfect stranger. Somewhere where I could be free, where my mind could be in peace with my soul and my heart.

A fresh start. 

Moving to a new country and leave everything what you know was a hard decision to make.
You take full control of your life and of who you are. You choose to leave all what is normal and what you know. You have to build a new life with the knowledge and experience that you have acquired so far in your life and trust that and have faith on the person you that have become so far in this journey. 

The biggest challenge is to know and acknowledge who you really are, because you are everything you have, you are the only old friend, the only family, the only everything you have and if you don't know who "you are" yet....your journey is to find that out. 

"Fresh start" sounds delightful and easy. It is delightful but it isn't easy at all. Sometimes the depression chases me and I feel like giving up.....but I fight, because I don't want to be defeated by my own fears, because I want to defeat my fears and I want to acomplish my goals and have new challenges. 

It has been hard and sometimes you feel like everything is against you, but then you remember your motivation, that you accepted the challenge for a reason: YOU. 

Then you stand up and keep walking.

We have to face our fears in order to change. If we never know what are we afraid of we will never be able to face the things that are holding us from growing.
I am not afraid of death, I am afraid that the people who loves me is sad or are suffering because of me. I am that type of people who worries and care more for his family, his friends and his beloved ones than for him.
My biggest fear is nothing stupid, my biggest fear is to know someone is that I love is sad and that freaks me out to a point that I would do almost anything for them, leaving what I want and my happiness behind.

I want to be my priority. I feel like if I have been stuck and in hold for about 2 years, and I want to stop and face my fear and change.

It is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do. I need to be selfish for a while and make my dreams and my goals my number one thing in life. I have to stop putting people before me. I keep worrying too much and letting people to manipulate me with their feelings and I let myself to be manipulated even I know that I have to stop feeling so bad about people´s situation. I am too emphatetic sometimes.

I know who I want, I know my big goals, I have to clear my mind about some of them. But the people I love need to really understand that I have my life, that I am the owner of it and that I have to make my own decisions. It is hard for me to try to make them understand that not all my decisions will be the decisions they would have taken, but still are my decisions, that is my life!

Build a new life is not easy, but sometimes it is even harder when the ones you love try to give you advice but expect you to do what they want.

It is my life, and I need to be stronger. This is a struggle, but something needs to be done.

Colombus Circle

I am between colombus circle and 42nd st. I am in the "A" train.

Today is Monday, everyone hates Mondays nowadays. We hate Mondays because many of us have jobs that we don't and that many times we have because we need the money, because we need to survive. So in order to do so we sacrifice our own satisfaction and because our needs we get jobs that we can do but that we don't want.

So today I woke up like every other normal person.... I wanted to stay in bed all day long. But instead I remember the advice a new friend gave me on Friday night " You have to work you ass hard, not only here in NYC but in your life. If you want to achieve something in life you have to work hard"

True. So many times I have felt defeated and I haven't even tried yet. The true is that sincere advice is stuck in my mind and I remember it every time I feel tired this Monday. I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to win in life. I know that I will lose sometimes but the fact is that life isn't fair and life isn't for losers.

Chris talked to me with such an authority because he has gone through a lot of shit already, and he is here and he has achieved and he keep fighting because his goals are being accomplished but he knows he isn't done yet.

I wonder why so many times people gives us advice but we don't take it. I think that sometimes we realized that we need some stranger who gives you advice because they even if they don't know you, want good for you.

I had to go down in Utica avenue because I took the Lefferts boulevard "a" train instead of the Rockaway train.

Well so as I was saying. The decisions we do everyday are the ones that are important. Maybe  I already knew all what Chris told me that day.... but maybe that day I realized and took responsibility of the advice I have known for a while.

So I woke up, I got me a cup of coffee, I got to the shower without thinking much and I dressed up, drank my coffee,  brushed my teeth, got my bag and got out of the apartment. Got to the subway station, took a picture of the sunrise and got to the train. I thought about taking a nap but then I realized that is not the best thing to do if you want to stay awake with a good attitude. So instead of that I took "Dorothy must die" out of my bad and continue where I left it. Got to work, I got on time! And suddenly it was 5:30. What a nice day. I saw and talked to this guy that I like a lot at work and he gave me his number. Then I saw my good Colombian friend, we'll call her "B" and had a good time. I got out from work and the day was cold but not awful cold, it was nice cold so I walked to the 7 train subway station, got to the subway and as always I was standing because I love how Manhattan looks like from long island city. I got down in grand central and then decided to walk. So I walked up to central park, then I walked to Columbus circle, took some pictures.

There it was the feeling. I felt satisfied because my day has been so good so far. I got to work, to walk, to enjoy the weather, to read(Oz  is fucked up because of Dorothy), to flirt ( I know haha) and to feel happy.

I am getting to the JFK stop now. The sun is set already, and I just received a text from the guy I like. Such a good day.

He/Me

He: We would fuck so good.

Me: If you were here, probably we would be just kissing, fucking and joking around right now.....you are like me.

He: Hahaha a little acid, sarcastic and clown? Yes, we are alike, and it feels good.

Me: I hate that you are so far. You  could be the perfect fuck buddy, the perfect lover and maybe something else.....definitely something else.

He: Oh, so you are looking for something serious? Something real? Love?

Me: Why not? I want something substancial, I am 24 but I am tired of superficial things. I want something meaningful.

He: By superficial do you mean sex?

Me: No, not only sex. There are many things.

He: I want to hear more, I like to hear you talking. I imagine you in front of me......tell me more.

Me: We are young, we are learning, we make mistakes, we are beautiful, we are free, we are fucking crazy!
I would like to share that with someone...

He: I..... I would love to be that someone. But the distance.....It is weird how things work.

Me: I have never thought about it, but now it makes sense. For a while I thought I would never be ready for someone new, but I am, I feel strong and I love me again.  I've changed. I am not who I used to be, everything has changed....from love, to nothing  to ashes, to be me again.

He: I am scared. It is like if we have been friends forever. We are here with this big and great thing between us, and what can we do? Nothing more than dreaming that someday we will be together for a while. Nothing more than dreaming how I will make love to you and how you will make love to me.

Me: I am not going to say life is not fair, but life is fucking weird. It makes things that we sometimes don't understand in their moment, but we later understand the purpose of it.

He: Hahaaha I don't understand what is going on with me. I think I like you and you like me so much that is weird. I have never felt a strong connection like this with anybody. The way we talk, the way we are makes me wanna kiss you and make love with you for hours and days.

Me: Fucking "his name". Why are you so far? Why didn't you showed up before....

He: Maybe it wasn't the time for us to show in our lives....

Me: I have to sleep. A big kiss for you....and a bite in your lower lip.

He: A big hug and kiss while I grab your ass.

Me: Hahahaha so sweet from you hahahaha bye.....ttyl.

He: I'll probably dream of you. Bye
.

October 15th

I am in the subway. There is a really cool guy drawing next to me. I am in broadway junction, in the "A" train. It is a very weird but good day.

I moved to NYC about two months and a week ago. To be honest I wanted to move for a long time, I was depressed and feeling as if my life was going nowhere. I am here now, maybe is not the best city in the world, but it is a city full of dreamers and fighters and THAT'S the type of city that I need right now.
It is not easy to get out of a depression, sometimes I don't want to even wake up. I try to feel better everyday and I say to myself: "I will be better today, I will have a motive and I will smile and make my dad and mom proud of me and be the better version of me", but then those stupid thoughts kick in...."It is not worth it. Why will you fight if you will die?"
I think about depression like an addiction, you have to fight it everyday. It is a demon living inside you that can break your spirit and leave you laying in your bed for days, for weeks.....
I don't know for how long I have been this way. I think that I have been up and down since the day of my car accident, who knows but me.
I like to make people laugh, I feel certain happiness when I see people laughing. Sometimes I think that I rather to see people doing better and improving their life before me. It is weird. Because most of the people who knows me knows that I have a strong and good attitude. But this that I have inside makes me feel as if I am becoming someone I don't want to.
I am in New York City! The capital of the world and the best city in the world for many. I should be happy just because of this change but I don't feel like that. I do think in the other hand that I am doing way much better than before.
I do believe that this beautiful city will take the best out of me, I do have a good feeling from all this changes.
Changes can be good or bad it depends on the side you see it.
I am riding a train that can take me to the best stage of my life or I can stay here forever sitting and watching how everyone goes down and continue with their lives.  New York has been the thoughest test in my life. Every aspect of my life is changing. People is so different, things are so different, culture is so different. But that "different" is an "amazing" kind of different. I don't want to make fantasy dreams of the outcome of this adventure, I do have goals and I am struggling....but I have a good feeling of all of this. I don't want to feel as If I have achieved something yet or as if I have acomplished something yet, , because I have learned that you cannot define life, because life is like a cloud....it never stops changing, it can become a storm or it can become the most beautiful cloud in the sky.

I missed to write so much.

I am two stops away from my apartment. The train is slightly crowded and the guy who was drawing got off in rockaway boulevard.

The time has come for you to do the best for your life!

I am writing this post at 2:32 am.
I can't sleep.
I am anxious for this day.

This day will mark my life for good or for bad. I am just focusing in the good side.
Four months and 4 days ago I turned 24.

I am going to do a big change in my life today. One of the biggest if not the biggest step in my entire life. I am chasing and fighting for my dreams.

A person without dreams can't be human. What are you without motivation or dreams? Nothing.

I am totally down for this. I can't wait.

Life is too short to focus on things that are not worthy and too beautiful to stop enjoying every second of it!

If you set your goals and your dreams, work fucking hard to get them!

Don't let anybody to stop you from chasing your dreams!

The only responsible for your dreams to come true is  YOU AND ONLY YOU!

Use your connections, look for support, fight for your dreams.

You are not a tree, if you want to move.........MOVE.
You are not an object, you are your only owner, if you want to break up .........break it up!
You are worthy, so look at the mirror and if you don't love what you see and if you don't love yourself how in the hell do you expect somebody else to love you fucker?

Stop making up excuses for every great opportunity. Of course you will be afraid of changes, but not taking the risk will be something that you will regret your whole life, and second chances are rare to get!

Invest in you. Believe in you. Have faith in you. Be your religion. Adore yourself. Be true to yourself. Give and take advice. SMILE. And remember...life would be so boring and pointless if everything it's easy. So never, but never think about giving up! Every dream is worth it!