Colombus Circle

I am between colombus circle and 42nd st. I am in the "A" train.

Today is Monday, everyone hates Mondays nowadays. We hate Mondays because many of us have jobs that we don't and that many times we have because we need the money, because we need to survive. So in order to do so we sacrifice our own satisfaction and because our needs we get jobs that we can do but that we don't want.

So today I woke up like every other normal person.... I wanted to stay in bed all day long. But instead I remember the advice a new friend gave me on Friday night " You have to work you ass hard, not only here in NYC but in your life. If you want to achieve something in life you have to work hard"

True. So many times I have felt defeated and I haven't even tried yet. The true is that sincere advice is stuck in my mind and I remember it every time I feel tired this Monday. I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to win in life. I know that I will lose sometimes but the fact is that life isn't fair and life isn't for losers.

Chris talked to me with such an authority because he has gone through a lot of shit already, and he is here and he has achieved and he keep fighting because his goals are being accomplished but he knows he isn't done yet.

I wonder why so many times people gives us advice but we don't take it. I think that sometimes we realized that we need some stranger who gives you advice because they even if they don't know you, want good for you.

I had to go down in Utica avenue because I took the Lefferts boulevard "a" train instead of the Rockaway train.

Well so as I was saying. The decisions we do everyday are the ones that are important. Maybe  I already knew all what Chris told me that day.... but maybe that day I realized and took responsibility of the advice I have known for a while.

So I woke up, I got me a cup of coffee, I got to the shower without thinking much and I dressed up, drank my coffee,  brushed my teeth, got my bag and got out of the apartment. Got to the subway station, took a picture of the sunrise and got to the train. I thought about taking a nap but then I realized that is not the best thing to do if you want to stay awake with a good attitude. So instead of that I took "Dorothy must die" out of my bad and continue where I left it. Got to work, I got on time! And suddenly it was 5:30. What a nice day. I saw and talked to this guy that I like a lot at work and he gave me his number. Then I saw my good Colombian friend, we'll call her "B" and had a good time. I got out from work and the day was cold but not awful cold, it was nice cold so I walked to the 7 train subway station, got to the subway and as always I was standing because I love how Manhattan looks like from long island city. I got down in grand central and then decided to walk. So I walked up to central park, then I walked to Columbus circle, took some pictures.

There it was the feeling. I felt satisfied because my day has been so good so far. I got to work, to walk, to enjoy the weather, to read(Oz  is fucked up because of Dorothy), to flirt ( I know haha) and to feel happy.

I am getting to the JFK stop now. The sun is set already, and I just received a text from the guy I like. Such a good day.

He/Me

He: We would fuck so good.

Me: If you were here, probably we would be just kissing, fucking and joking around right now.....you are like me.

He: Hahaha a little acid, sarcastic and clown? Yes, we are alike, and it feels good.

Me: I hate that you are so far. You  could be the perfect fuck buddy, the perfect lover and maybe something else.....definitely something else.

He: Oh, so you are looking for something serious? Something real? Love?

Me: Why not? I want something substancial, I am 24 but I am tired of superficial things. I want something meaningful.

He: By superficial do you mean sex?

Me: No, not only sex. There are many things.

He: I want to hear more, I like to hear you talking. I imagine you in front of me......tell me more.

Me: We are young, we are learning, we make mistakes, we are beautiful, we are free, we are fucking crazy!
I would like to share that with someone...

He: I..... I would love to be that someone. But the distance.....It is weird how things work.

Me: I have never thought about it, but now it makes sense. For a while I thought I would never be ready for someone new, but I am, I feel strong and I love me again.  I've changed. I am not who I used to be, everything has changed....from love, to nothing  to ashes, to be me again.

He: I am scared. It is like if we have been friends forever. We are here with this big and great thing between us, and what can we do? Nothing more than dreaming that someday we will be together for a while. Nothing more than dreaming how I will make love to you and how you will make love to me.

Me: I am not going to say life is not fair, but life is fucking weird. It makes things that we sometimes don't understand in their moment, but we later understand the purpose of it.

He: Hahaaha I don't understand what is going on with me. I think I like you and you like me so much that is weird. I have never felt a strong connection like this with anybody. The way we talk, the way we are makes me wanna kiss you and make love with you for hours and days.

Me: Fucking "his name". Why are you so far? Why didn't you showed up before....

He: Maybe it wasn't the time for us to show in our lives....

Me: I have to sleep. A big kiss for you....and a bite in your lower lip.

He: A big hug and kiss while I grab your ass.

Me: Hahahaha so sweet from you hahahaha bye.....ttyl.

He: I'll probably dream of you. Bye
.

October 15th

I am in the subway. There is a really cool guy drawing next to me. I am in broadway junction, in the "A" train. It is a very weird but good day.

I moved to NYC about two months and a week ago. To be honest I wanted to move for a long time, I was depressed and feeling as if my life was going nowhere. I am here now, maybe is not the best city in the world, but it is a city full of dreamers and fighters and THAT'S the type of city that I need right now.
It is not easy to get out of a depression, sometimes I don't want to even wake up. I try to feel better everyday and I say to myself: "I will be better today, I will have a motive and I will smile and make my dad and mom proud of me and be the better version of me", but then those stupid thoughts kick in...."It is not worth it. Why will you fight if you will die?"
I think about depression like an addiction, you have to fight it everyday. It is a demon living inside you that can break your spirit and leave you laying in your bed for days, for weeks.....
I don't know for how long I have been this way. I think that I have been up and down since the day of my car accident, who knows but me.
I like to make people laugh, I feel certain happiness when I see people laughing. Sometimes I think that I rather to see people doing better and improving their life before me. It is weird. Because most of the people who knows me knows that I have a strong and good attitude. But this that I have inside makes me feel as if I am becoming someone I don't want to.
I am in New York City! The capital of the world and the best city in the world for many. I should be happy just because of this change but I don't feel like that. I do think in the other hand that I am doing way much better than before.
I do believe that this beautiful city will take the best out of me, I do have a good feeling from all this changes.
Changes can be good or bad it depends on the side you see it.
I am riding a train that can take me to the best stage of my life or I can stay here forever sitting and watching how everyone goes down and continue with their lives.  New York has been the thoughest test in my life. Every aspect of my life is changing. People is so different, things are so different, culture is so different. But that "different" is an "amazing" kind of different. I don't want to make fantasy dreams of the outcome of this adventure, I do have goals and I am struggling....but I have a good feeling of all of this. I don't want to feel as If I have achieved something yet or as if I have acomplished something yet, , because I have learned that you cannot define life, because life is like a cloud....it never stops changing, it can become a storm or it can become the most beautiful cloud in the sky.

I missed to write so much.

I am two stops away from my apartment. The train is slightly crowded and the guy who was drawing got off in rockaway boulevard.

The time has come for you to do the best for your life!

I am writing this post at 2:32 am.
I can't sleep.
I am anxious for this day.

This day will mark my life for good or for bad. I am just focusing in the good side.
Four months and 4 days ago I turned 24.

I am going to do a big change in my life today. One of the biggest if not the biggest step in my entire life. I am chasing and fighting for my dreams.

A person without dreams can't be human. What are you without motivation or dreams? Nothing.

I am totally down for this. I can't wait.

Life is too short to focus on things that are not worthy and too beautiful to stop enjoying every second of it!

If you set your goals and your dreams, work fucking hard to get them!

Don't let anybody to stop you from chasing your dreams!

The only responsible for your dreams to come true is  YOU AND ONLY YOU!

Use your connections, look for support, fight for your dreams.

You are not a tree, if you want to move.........MOVE.
You are not an object, you are your only owner, if you want to break up .........break it up!
You are worthy, so look at the mirror and if you don't love what you see and if you don't love yourself how in the hell do you expect somebody else to love you fucker?

Stop making up excuses for every great opportunity. Of course you will be afraid of changes, but not taking the risk will be something that you will regret your whole life, and second chances are rare to get!

Invest in you. Believe in you. Have faith in you. Be your religion. Adore yourself. Be true to yourself. Give and take advice. SMILE. And remember...life would be so boring and pointless if everything it's easy. So never, but never think about giving up! Every dream is worth it!

Nobody tells you.

I guess I will never stop missing.....
I will never stop missing .......you
........your kisses
........your hugs
........your smile
........your voice
........your love.

With time I have understood that I will never stop missing you and that I will never stop loving you.

With time you understand that being in love opens your heart, that you become vulnerable, that you become weak... and that when that person leaves, your heart is wide open. That the person you loved the most can hurt you and that the memories will hunt you forever.
Nobody tells you that It will heart, that the damage they make will hurt forever, but that still you will love them, no matter how much it hurts.

You left me, you disposed me when I was no longer needed.

You went away, and to see you how your new life is so beautiful, without me in it, hurts even more.

That I am no one, that I am just someone you left, that I am disposable and with no meaning for you.

I am tired to cry, to be in pain, to feel broken, but I can't control it.

Nobody will ever tell you what is to be in love with your first love, never.

Most of all, nobody will ever tell you how much it hurts, and if they do, you won't believe them. You will not believe when they tell you that with that person you will feel your heart for the first time.

That when you see that person your heart pumps faster and you feel alive.

That when your heart is broken you literally feel your heart.....in pieces.

That when your hearts rips apart piece by piece, you feel nothing but pain.

Nobody will tell you that when it starts to heal.....
There will be a wound
Then a scar
And that you will always remember why the scar is there, and once you remember....
the memories of the kisses
Of the hugs,
Of their smile
Of their voice will come like a rush to your mind, and than that part of you that is dead will live for a minute so it can die again.

This healing process has been perhaps one of the most challenging things that I have ever gone through.
I try to not to break every day.
And I try
I try
Everyday.

I heard once that it takes the same amount of time that you were with that person to get over them. It doesn't, and if it does, it feels forever.

Sometimes I would like to forget....but then I remember you, and even I know I will feel broken, I like to think of you.

Also nobody tells you that with time, it starts to hurt less and that everyday the memories become your dreams, and that the memories doesn't hunt you and stop chasing you while you are awake, just when you are sleeping.

Nobody tells you that you sometimes feel afraid, that when it starts to hurt less, that probably you will forget, that you feel afraid to forget.

Nobody will ever tell you......an exact definition of what love is.

Nobody ever tells you that love is guilty pleasure.

Because love is/means/hurts/feel different for all.

Let Me Down Gently

Today you started to talk about how people is into you. 

How people is "weird" but you don't see the signs.

You told me that I can't stand to talk about it.

I guess that is because I am your ex. 

I guess because I still love you.

I guess because you were and still are my first and only love until now. 

I guess that because I learned what is to love and fall in love with you.

I guess that maybe is because of that....

I tried to keep strong and then I breathed.

I listened and gave you advice.

I succeed...... for a moment

Then to hear that didn't break me.

But I felt how I started to crack inside.

It hurt again.

I still feel

Not something, but so much for you.

Not less than before.

But now its easier to stop thinking about it and let go.

Let me go gently, because I still feel for you.

I am letting you go.....and I try to ignore that it hurts to do so.

Let me down gently.

Bye, for now.

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. - (IDAHO)

Is not about "gay" rights. It is about EQUAL HUMAN rights. All humans deserve to have the opportunity to be miserable or happy in all the world. Nobody deserves to be killed, incarcerated, punished for who they are, for who they love, or for being born in the wrong body. Since we are not GOD we are no one to judge the life from another human being. Nobody wants to be a second class citizen. I pay taxes, I demand the same equal rights.

If you don't understand what is to be discriminated for who you are, to be bullied for who you love or to be pointed with a finger and be called things, if you don't know what is to be called an abomination, to be told that you are wrong and sick, if you haven't tried to commit suicide, if you haven't been treated as if you aren't worth it, if you haven't been denied your rights as a human being, then you have no right to judge the condition of the LGBT population. You have no right to judge because is not easy to deal with HOMOPHOBIC BIGOTED ASSHOLES every day.

If you are one, think that no matter what you do if you are a father/mother that your kid might be LGBT. That your sister/brother/sibling could be lgbt. That someone you love is LGBT. Are you sure you want your loved ones to go through that? Stop HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA.

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. - (IDAHO)