Over

I´m done!!!!
I´m fucking tired of feel sad because of an asshole!
Fuck that shit!
I´m done, this is over!

Totally fucking over!
I don´t want to think about you ever!!!!!!!
You are so out of my heart!

I already gave too much time, and beautiful words to you! again the feeling I have for you is: FUCK YOU!

To die alone

Today I had lunch with my grandparents, they are both admirable persons, who fight against the adversity and they still fighting for they marriage. I really love them, I think that older people are like diamonds, they worth so much, and once they are gone you can´t have them back, that knowledge is lost.

The conversation was about getting or not getting married. I think it started when I said: "I hope Johanna is doing the right thing by getting married so young (20 years) Then everything flow, and I realize that they just dont want for any of us (grandchildren) to end alone.

Then we started to talk about: LOVE

That word
                   That situation
                                           That feeling
                                                                  That meaning
                                                                                           That thing
                                                                                                              That unexpected
                                                                                                                                        That...strange word
                                                        Love is for everyone?

                                                                         NO

Anger

So, I tried to avoid an explosion of anger..........and it happenned.
Friday´s night, it was a great night. A couple of beers at my house, three friends, then we decided to go to the club. Guess who was there?........He
I did not care, because I mentalized that I would not care at all and that I was going to enjoy the night.....NOT
He came to say hi, I said hi and all my friends were nice.
Akward moment........I do not want to be with you, or to be talking with you boy, that is why I did not tell you anything about going out, I want to be far from you (of course I said that in my mind)
Then I think I was rude and he left to his table.......TG!
Then like one hour later he appeared again, he get him self in to the conversation and well my friends are polite and they include him to the conversation, so it was fine, why not..........right?
Then my friends said , lets go to another club, I said cool! Then he said.........yes! And my mind again.....Who the fuck invited you? No one here, so don´t make auto invitations ........damn it
And then we get in to the car of my friend and there he was, he left him where his car was parked, and he said goodby and I was happy because he leaveeeeeed!
But suddenly he appeared in the the other club and I was like pissed......why is he following me, why is he always behind, why you don´t understand that I want you far!
At the end of the night, when he was really drunk I was really mad and I sent him to his house, I did not stand to see him there.

IT was rude from me? Yes
     He decerve that? Super yes
No regrets............he screw my night so screw him!

Changes

Everything changes......the world moves on, people changes, my feelings changed, I changed... 


     Nothing is like it used to be.......definitely is not


The reality tells me that I will not be able to forget this soon, but eventually I will get over the situation.


     Being in love, with someone who worth it (at least that is what you think that it worth it) is the worst thing that happenned to me in the period of one year of a half already.


I was just 19 years old; I just wanted to feel loved, to know that someone needs me, but back to those days I think that is just really simple: You are not going to find the love of your life so soon...... 


         Every one of us knows what is the best and what is not, everybody can tell you when someone is good for you or not, your real friends will warn you and let you know that you are doing a mistake......but the heart, oh the heart is such a backstabber.


He knows that you are getting hurt by your own feelings, that you should not feel for that person....you become deaf and you don't listen any advice.


  It hurted me.
                         I injured my self.


                                                      My heart played with me.
                                                                                                  This is not fair.




Those were my thoughts............I was just too naive, and just needed to learn what life was about, not everything is about love and about finding your half.........everything is about to LIVE and to LEARN.


           Then I realice that he was there.......standing since two years ago, a listener and a watcher of my life.


He is just curious of life, of everything. I probably don't know what I want for my all life, but I admit that curiosity is something I miss sometimes; and I don't blame him for feeling like that. 


But I do blame him for the wrong expectations. I do blame him for playing with my heart and feelings....... to get satisfied his gay curiosity. 
Is not about if it is good or not...........is about thinking about what you are doing, about the damage that you can make in one life, how you can ruin one moment, how you can get in to someone's life and complicate that simple life. 


          That simple life I thought I had.....were if I wanted to have one night with someone I had it without drama.


                                                                  were love was just a play, and I was cold and never listened to my feelings. 
                                                              
                                                                  were I had a lot of fake friendship, but they were "my friends"


Of course........ I don't want that simple life, thanks to the things I have lived so far I know that our hearts don't play with us just to hurt us. They know what they do, they teach us....yes sometimes to the hard way, but that is the way that we learned.


Then your feelings change, and you realice that you are happy without those feelings you used to have, you realice that there stills love in your heart ........but not like you used to .........you changed, you learned.


And that is all about, learn from everything. Enjoy to cry, enjoy to be sad, enjoy to be happy, enjoy to have sex, enjoy to feel cheated, enjoy to feel depress so when you are feeling better you can realice that you are finally moving on. Enjoy the music in your life.......music can save, think about the soundtracks that you can have......and then you will realice that if you enjoy, you will learn from every failure, and you will realice that not all the failures are bad......that it is part of living. 


You will change, everyone will change, the world moves on.......so don't expect to feel, to want, to be......the same than  yesterday, because yesterday is gone.