In the dark

A conversation with myself

How do you know?


I know I can sound like a stupid romantic person, but how do you know who is the right person to know.
The process of dating involves time, patience, thoughts, feelings...how do you know, who is the correct person to invest all of those things....by dating a lot? Because if it is like that....I think that there are a lot of persons like me....


Me? How?
People that used to believe in love (And we keep believing but...), people that every day is less naive and less warm....that realice that knowing someone new is not the same that before, that knowing someone is just something......


(Quote that comes to my mind while I´m thinking what to write)


I think therefore I´m Single.


Next thought:


We have a little world, billions of humans, and no real love for one...




Is real love possible ? Or you just get in love and then you get used to that person, and then that feeling slowly dies and then you just don´t feel anything anymore......until you meet someone new.

Is that the cycle?




Which is the right place to know someone? A bar? The Club? At work? Really? Is so complicated....is just weird. And everytime is even more weird and awkward

I like to work, and I know how to do it and how to talk about it; but when love comes to the conversation is something that I really have not experienced yet (Of course you know which type of love I´m talking about)


When someone ask me:


What is love for you? Have you been inlove before? Are you inlove now?
My mind turns black......and I have no answer. That field in my life is empty. Is not written.


Relationships? Two


The longest one? 3 months


Why? Just did not work and did not worth it


Are you ready for a relationship? Well, How do you really know when you are ready?


Do you want just to know somebody or to have a real boyfriend? I have to know and then we can see...




Do you see yourself in a relationship? (This answer terrifies me) No, at least not for now.

Why? I want other things first.


But why? I do not want to invest time in somebody else when I have not finished what I want.


Can´t you have both things at the same time? I guess I could, but now I am not mature enough for having a relationship, having a job, my university, my family, my friends, my time.


Your time? Yes, my time.


What do you mean with "Your Time"?
My time is when I want to be just with My mind, my soul and my body.


What about sleeping with someone you could love?


I know it feels good, I know is something I enjoy. I have done that but just for the simple pleasure of feeling that and probably I enjoyed that person, but then the feeling becomes an empty feeling, the sensation goes away from me and I feel dirty. I can have sex and that is fine, but sleeping with someone .....is weird now. Sleeping with someone I could love, probably yes, but how do I know I will love that person? So if you don´t know, you are just simply sleeping with someone and that´s it. And sleeping with someone is really easy, you just have to like somebody and then you have sex and then you fall asleep....it might sound raw but that is what happens, and in my case that makes me feel dirty, empty, disgusted. I think I could avoid that feeling  just having sex and then say goodbye. But that is not me, See? How everything turns complicated?

From a simple question.....to a complicated answer. But I guess I want a real process before sleeping with someone I could love.




What do you mean by real process?
Having a first date! Having a second date! Having a third date! Having a fourth date and so on! And then just keep dating and make love and learn about the other person, falling in love you know?
Meet that person, enjoy the talk, love the conversation, see the shine in his eyes, see how passionate can be the first conversation, feeling that possible conexion.....if you do not feel that, you can avoid all the real process and just have sex if both want that.






Do you want to be loved?
I think I do. But  I am not like before, I do not trust anyone now. But the answer would be Yes.


How do you think that you will know that you just meet the person for having a " real process"?
I don´t really know. But I think that when that moment comes I will definitely know it. I think that the Universe, my soul, my mind and my body will let me know. Just as when you know you need water, I think I will know that I will need that person for real, not just like a soda, not like juice....need it as water, stupid but you got the idea, right?


So that is the way I think.......God I´m weird.


A conversation with myself. Too many ideas now, So my next entry will be soon......


.........I guess I just don´t know.

Over

I´m done!!!!
I´m fucking tired of feel sad because of an asshole!
Fuck that shit!
I´m done, this is over!

Totally fucking over!
I don´t want to think about you ever!!!!!!!
You are so out of my heart!

I already gave too much time, and beautiful words to you! again the feeling I have for you is: FUCK YOU!

To die alone

Today I had lunch with my grandparents, they are both admirable persons, who fight against the adversity and they still fighting for they marriage. I really love them, I think that older people are like diamonds, they worth so much, and once they are gone you can´t have them back, that knowledge is lost.

The conversation was about getting or not getting married. I think it started when I said: "I hope Johanna is doing the right thing by getting married so young (20 years) Then everything flow, and I realize that they just dont want for any of us (grandchildren) to end alone.

Then we started to talk about: LOVE

That word
                   That situation
                                           That feeling
                                                                  That meaning
                                                                                           That thing
                                                                                                              That unexpected
                                                                                                                                        That...strange word
                                                        Love is for everyone?

                                                                         NO

Anger

So, I tried to avoid an explosion of anger..........and it happenned.
Friday´s night, it was a great night. A couple of beers at my house, three friends, then we decided to go to the club. Guess who was there?........He
I did not care, because I mentalized that I would not care at all and that I was going to enjoy the night.....NOT
He came to say hi, I said hi and all my friends were nice.
Akward moment........I do not want to be with you, or to be talking with you boy, that is why I did not tell you anything about going out, I want to be far from you (of course I said that in my mind)
Then I think I was rude and he left to his table.......TG!
Then like one hour later he appeared again, he get him self in to the conversation and well my friends are polite and they include him to the conversation, so it was fine, why not..........right?
Then my friends said , lets go to another club, I said cool! Then he said.........yes! And my mind again.....Who the fuck invited you? No one here, so don´t make auto invitations ........damn it
And then we get in to the car of my friend and there he was, he left him where his car was parked, and he said goodby and I was happy because he leaveeeeeed!
But suddenly he appeared in the the other club and I was like pissed......why is he following me, why is he always behind, why you don´t understand that I want you far!
At the end of the night, when he was really drunk I was really mad and I sent him to his house, I did not stand to see him there.

IT was rude from me? Yes
     He decerve that? Super yes
No regrets............he screw my night so screw him!

Changes

Everything changes......the world moves on, people changes, my feelings changed, I changed... 


     Nothing is like it used to be.......definitely is not


The reality tells me that I will not be able to forget this soon, but eventually I will get over the situation.


     Being in love, with someone who worth it (at least that is what you think that it worth it) is the worst thing that happenned to me in the period of one year of a half already.


I was just 19 years old; I just wanted to feel loved, to know that someone needs me, but back to those days I think that is just really simple: You are not going to find the love of your life so soon...... 


         Every one of us knows what is the best and what is not, everybody can tell you when someone is good for you or not, your real friends will warn you and let you know that you are doing a mistake......but the heart, oh the heart is such a backstabber.


He knows that you are getting hurt by your own feelings, that you should not feel for that person....you become deaf and you don't listen any advice.


  It hurted me.
                         I injured my self.


                                                      My heart played with me.
                                                                                                  This is not fair.




Those were my thoughts............I was just too naive, and just needed to learn what life was about, not everything is about love and about finding your half.........everything is about to LIVE and to LEARN.


           Then I realice that he was there.......standing since two years ago, a listener and a watcher of my life.


He is just curious of life, of everything. I probably don't know what I want for my all life, but I admit that curiosity is something I miss sometimes; and I don't blame him for feeling like that. 


But I do blame him for the wrong expectations. I do blame him for playing with my heart and feelings....... to get satisfied his gay curiosity. 
Is not about if it is good or not...........is about thinking about what you are doing, about the damage that you can make in one life, how you can ruin one moment, how you can get in to someone's life and complicate that simple life. 


          That simple life I thought I had.....were if I wanted to have one night with someone I had it without drama.


                                                                  were love was just a play, and I was cold and never listened to my feelings. 
                                                              
                                                                  were I had a lot of fake friendship, but they were "my friends"


Of course........ I don't want that simple life, thanks to the things I have lived so far I know that our hearts don't play with us just to hurt us. They know what they do, they teach us....yes sometimes to the hard way, but that is the way that we learned.


Then your feelings change, and you realice that you are happy without those feelings you used to have, you realice that there stills love in your heart ........but not like you used to .........you changed, you learned.


And that is all about, learn from everything. Enjoy to cry, enjoy to be sad, enjoy to be happy, enjoy to have sex, enjoy to feel cheated, enjoy to feel depress so when you are feeling better you can realice that you are finally moving on. Enjoy the music in your life.......music can save, think about the soundtracks that you can have......and then you will realice that if you enjoy, you will learn from every failure, and you will realice that not all the failures are bad......that it is part of living. 


You will change, everyone will change, the world moves on.......so don't expect to feel, to want, to be......the same than  yesterday, because yesterday is gone.

Con el tiempo.....

Después de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre
sostener una mano y encadenar un alma,
Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas,
y uno empieza a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos,
y uno aprende a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy,
porque el terreno de mañana es demasiado inseguro para planes...
y los futuros tienen una forma de caerse en la mitad.
Y después de un tiempo uno aprende que si es demasiado,
hasta el calor del sol quema.
Así que uno planta su propio jardín y decora su propia alma,
en lugar de esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.
Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno realmente es fuerte,
que uno realmente vale, y uno aprende y aprende... y con cada día uno aprende.
Con el tiempo aprendes que estar con alguien porque te ofrece un buen futuro
significa que tarde o temprano querrás volver a tu pasado.
Con el tiempo comprendes que sólo quien es capaz de quererte con tus defectos,
sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad que deseas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estás al lado de esa persona sólo por acompañar tu soledad,
irremediablemente acabarás deseando no volver a verla.
Con el tiempo entiendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados,
y que el que no lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se verá rodeado sólo de amistades falsas.
Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en un momento de ira
pueden seguir lastimando a quien heriste, durante toda la vida.
Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar cualquiera lo hace,
pero perdonar es sólo de almas grandes.
Con el tiempo comprendes que si has herido a un amigo duramente,
muy probablemente la amistad jamás volverá a ser igual.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta que aunque seas feliz con tus amigos,
algún día llorarás por aquellos que dejaste ir.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona es irrepetible.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser humano,
tarde o temprano sufrirá las mismas humillaciones o desprecios, multiplicados al cuadrado.
Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas o forzarlas a que pasen
ocasionará que al final no sean como esperabas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que en realidad lo mejor no era el futuro,
sino el momento que estabas viviendo justo en ese instante.
Con el tiempo aprenderás que intentar perdonar o pedir perdón,
decir que amas, decir que extrañas, decir que necesitas,
decir que quieres ser amigo, ante una tumba, ya no tiene ningún sentido, ya es tarde,
nunca dejes que algo te sea demasiado tarde.
Pero desafortunadamente, LO APRENDERAS sólo con el tiempo...

Jorge Luis Borges

Some people is just stupid, is useless, is empty and they do not take the risk to live and to make the correct things and decision for their lifes.

But the worst things of all is when you realize that you might be one of them.............and that you are not making everything that you can for be the best that you can.

This is the thing: If you dont take in consideration that you have to be someone else and better, no one will do it.

The Ilussion is dying!

This is going over.........at least that is what my heart is telling me.
     The ilussion is going over , the love I have for you stills there, but is not making me react as it use to be.

I'm afraid because Ilussions always hurt when you realize that they are not possible, or maybe that you are better  and that ilussion is something just.........useless!........


This feeling will keep in my heart...........but the ilussion is going away for sure.........so If you react someday .......Im afraid of not reacting anymore.!

Dance dance dance!

Best Friends & Lovers

The path, the love.....

So this is the situation, I have been inlove with this person since november last year. I did not know I was inlove or that I have feelings for him at the beggining, I realized about it later.........when I could not stop thinking about him and then I realize of it, of the situation where I was. 


This is something I like......because my heart worth it, has a great value, and if someday my heart belongs to someone has to be someone that makes me feel happy without being in a relationship....and if someday we can be in that point of being in a relationship it would be an honor for me to be in that situation with him. 



Is good to realize and to be proud to know your self, to know that you worth it. TO know that I have learned how to stay away from stupid love games, or to be played, because I´m tired of stupid bullshits from people who just like to play, and never have a target or never know what they want. 

I have become someone rude with people that thinks that life is just about fucking, drinking or besides working just getting party everyday. I know that I´m just 21 years old, but age doesnt mean that you will behave stupid. And well, I have known people that their attitude is like if they are 15 when they are 30 and it doesnt look good, they might think is good, but life is not about being stupid or looking like that. 


Now I know what I want, I was hanging out with this guy for two weeks, and I realized that I am really fine being alooooooooooone without stupid guys around me. I have the friends I want and I need. I am inlove with someone that really worth and I don´t care to wait, I don´t mind to be in love with him even if nothing happens, but it worth it.......it worth every fucking second! 


I´m tired of people that is really careless about their lifes and well I´m just not in to it..........I know that Im growing, and as Im becoming a better person (Fighting everyday to be a better person) bad things and friendships that still mediocres will stay away as well. 



Your friends do have a big influence in your life and believe me, I have learned that. Now I know what I want, and my friends should be persons that want to become successful persons, people that appreciate every fucking second, that thinks about getting better, to get a better life, to get what they want making the correct thing: Working hard. In other words if they don´t want to grow and improve everyday well ......I will stop consider them as my friends. And is really simple now, if they do not want that.......they are not my friends. I have learned when to let go something that doesn´t worth it, and sometimes friendships or possible loves are just a waste of time. 

From now on I will invest my time in things that worth it: my family, my job, my university, my real friends, and the love I want. 
I know that might be something stupid saying that I´m in love of a possible situation, but you know what! Being with this ilussion makes me learn everyday that I deserve someone like that! Someone who is intelligent, who wants to improve, who is hungry for greatness and that is freaking cute and handsome!  



I don´t know the way love works, I have never been in a real relationship, I don´t know if someday I will be in a real relationship. I don´t know if someday I will be madly inlove with someone, probably I won´t never be inlove......but I do know that I´m feeling good and that this is what it matters.....Living to enjoy life, to have targets, working hard for getting  what I want.........but still....knowing that Happiness is not a emotional state where you suddenly be in.......is something that you have to earn, and fuck it worth it, and I don´t care anymore about stupid things or people that doesn´t have to be taken serious, because my time is precious  and I can´t be wasting my essence in that. 

This is what I consider a right path, and the love I want. I know my path might change.......but for something better of course! 

The secret of: what if?.

Is difficult, is hard, it hurts and its stupid at the same time.
                The what if is consuming my soul...........
                                 My mind and heart keeps you around me.
                                                  They bring you over me.........


What if the ilussion becomes a reality?
What if the kiss in the dream happens?
What if  finally you and I love each other?
What if we finally make love?


This stupid what if.........



Let me tell you a secret, let me tell you what happens when my mind, my heart and my soul becomes in one and think about the: What if?

We all know how the story starts:
                              

  I´m secretly in love with you......you are secretly in love with me

Discreetly, I try to see you every day and see how beautiful, how smart and how intriguing you are

Discreetly I know you see me too 

You try to teach me things I can improve

How I can improve my life

How I can be my self

but secretly 

you want to tell me

how much you love me

how much you want to kiss me

how much you desire make love with me

and just to be with me so I can kiss you and then make love again

Sometimes we play

you see me

I see you

I try to make you laught just to see you smiling

You try to be annoying so you can irritate me

But we both know 

We both do that

 because you and I love the way we look and the way that we react 

Nobody knows that you are in love with me

Nobody knows that we make love

Nobody knows that you need me

Nobody knows that you feel happy when you are with me

Nobody knows that you feel afraid of your feelings sometimes 

Nobody knows the love game that we are playing

You have your time.... your space

I love that

So I know that you won´t suck my life, time and space

And you never say it

but secretly

you love that I have my own space and time

because you love to know that even if I am not with you

I´m thinking about you 

as you are thinking about me

Secretly you know it

you will never say it

but you love me

Discreetly Secretly you know 

that

I love you

This is the stupid love story that occurs when my mind, my heart and my soul conspire against me, so I can feel powerless against them, against my own feelings and against the what if,  that secretly we know could happen......

This is the story and secret of my:  What if............

                                                

The review: Project 30 days/30 ways

After the 30 days/30 ways projet I have learned that if you want something, you can get it, you just have to fight for it. There are situations in life where you will be able to proof your self with challenges:  a new job, a new position in your current job, a family, a relationship, a break up; all type of situations you can handle. But will you be prepared for those situations where nobody will warn you at all. 

That is why I want to start to test my self with things that are under my control. Some targets where achieved and some others.........well I have to keep working on them so I can change them or control (in the case of feelings and certain behaviours)

About the things that were on the list of "inner being" I feel really free, and I learned to live my life without too much pressure, even if I have a lot of pressure on it. 

1- Hot tempered: I am more patient now, but still need to work on it so I can improve. Because I still reacting with a bad mood or attitude to some non-sense questions and dumb situations that some people can not handle or doesn´t know after repeating it 5 times. I need to be even more patient though.

2- Definitely more tolerant than what I use to be.

3- Now Discrete, from all the mistakes that I use to make, this is the one where I improve more I´ve changed a     lot on this one. Now supervisors, friends and family trust me more than ever. I would keep improving, of course.

4- Careless: I take care more of my life now, I think about my health, try to exercise every time I have the chance, try to call to my parents to check if they are doing well, and just to talk with them.I have not drink alcohol at all. I´m trying to improve at my work, trying to learn everything I can, try to expose so they can notice what I do and the good Im on it (not for being cocky but I am good) and careless is the less I am now.

5- Selfish: Not at all, I share my life with the people I really care, however I do become a distant, reserved and reticent person with those whot I don´t want in my life anymore, so I hope they get the idea without the necessity of saying something.

6- Sometimes unprofessional: Well this is a huge 180 degrees twist, I became a workaholic now, of course it doesn´t mean that will make me professional, but It makes me appreciate my job more than ever and to take it seriously and to do my best the best way I can so I can see the results of my own effort. And the best of all....people (all kind, from Supervisors, bigg boss to mortals like me) see my hard work and big effort now. I hope that in a near future this effort worth it. I have realized that every good effort you make in your life to improve it, is rewarded, sometimes not the way you expected but the good things you do, always come back with good things to your life. 

Now about my "healthy targets" I achieved and failed the next:

1- I have now 3 months without drinking alcohol and feel so happy for it. I don´t even feel atracted to it anymore.

2- I could not quit smoking, I definitely will take this as my bigger concern and will try to change it all the time. 

3- I have stopped eating junk food, I learned to eat healthier and if I eat junk food.........just doing it once  per week, and just one food. 

4- I exercise at least 4 days of every week. From 30 minutes to 1:30 hour. 

5- I do eat healthier.

6- And the best of this achievements: I LOST WEIGHT: 21 POUNDS actually!

I could not write every day becasue my laptop crashed and is history now. SO I had to wait to sit in my parents desktop computer to write about it. 

Now my next challenge starts: To lose 15 more pounds, to become a less hot tempered person, and to improve the things I achieved so far!

I did improve many things I wanted to improved, now I feel healthier, happier, and so relaxed. As I wrote before, I am learning to see all the good things on life, even if sometimes dark times and difficult situations appears......life keep running, so I have to learn to run with life and do not be defeated for the situations I will face. Life is getting better for me, and I think that the effort totally worth it. 

This new week is running already............so new challenges here we go! 

Project: 30 days/30 ways

I want to start a personal project that will last 30 days. I want to do this project because I want to be a better person, change some bad habits, attitudes, and also I want to do this to be a healthier person and to remove or at least start to go over somethings that hurts and annoys me really deep inside. 

What I will try to learn and get from this 30 days project will be improving my way to be as a person, as a son, as a worker and the best of all to be fine with my self. Be happy with who I am and learn even more from everything, because as I heard from someone once: "Every day above ground is a good day" so every day is a gift and I want to learn and keep the good things from everyday and improve what I can improve. 

I´m 21 years old now, and personally I don´t think thats an excuse anymore to justify mistakes or stupid behaviours. 

In order to improve my inner being I want to learn to be more: Tolerant, Patient, Cautious, Humble, proactive  and to give my best on everything.

I´ve identified some of my weaknesses that I want to fight and learn on how to handle them or changing those "bad" qualities into a good thing:

1- Hot tempered

2- Intolerant

3- indiscreet

4- careless

5- selfish

6- Sometimes unprofessional. 

Those would be related to the things I want to improve for my inner being. 

Then If I talk about what I want to change about being a healthy person: 

1- Not drinking alcohol (I have 2 months sober already)

2- Quit smokig

3- Stop eating junk food

4- Exercising at least 30 minutes per day (One month already doing)

5- Eat healthier

6- Lose (At least) 15 pounds weight in 30 days

In order to get more focus on my goals for this project I will:

Fast for three days starting tomorrow.

Read proverbs during that period as well.

Write and post every day about the experience I had every day, as a Journal.

Check if my goals are being acomplished every ten days 

This day is ending already, this will start tomorrow so more changes are coming and 

more improvement has to be done. 

All of this just to be better with my self........

Because at the end if you are not fine with your self.

 Will you be able to be fine with someone else?

Melancholy

Melancholy...a sadness that comes in the night, when we're all alone under the canopy of a million stars, that feeling of loneliness that sometimes makes me wish to have a love in my life. That state that makes me want to be loved.....that feeling that appears.........sometimes.


That sometimes seems to be happening more often that usual, that usual makes me feel unsecure. 
Because now Usual seems to be sometimes and sometimes seems to be.......something unknown.


The unknown is terrifying to me, is something I just don´t like, because it makes me feel like going anywhere or to a lot of places but without knowing where!


Melancholy........one feeling that I hate and I love...........I guess!

The fear, the unknown and the feelings

I have been thinking about you.

Thinking every day

Is this an obsession?

This long crush

Your stupid beauty

When I see you

When you touch me

When you see me

When you are next to me

I feel

I hate to feel

Feeling love for someone makes me vulnerable

Makes me write shit about love

This stupid behavior

When I start to think about a possibility

This shit called: feelings

Feelings that you make me feel!

Thinking too much about you makes me act like an idiot

Constantly thinking about you makes me want to kiss you

I could take you to the stars and let you there so I know you are far from me so I won´t see you anymore therefore probably I  could stop this feelings for you……but then probably I will go to the stars again so I could be with you, just the two of us!

I don´t want to think about you

This thoughts just comes like a rush

They never ask me permission

They are so rebels, they just show off and disappear when I don’t expect

This could happen

It could be

There is a possibility

It might

There is chance………..but this fear

The fear

Makes me doubt

Makes me feel incapable

Makes me ….. nothing

A part of me wants you………then the other one says It is just an illusion

You don´t know, but I think I have feelings for you

You don´t know, but I constantly think about you

You don’t know, but I think I could be in love with you

You don´t know, but you make me feel vulnerable

I really don´t know …… If this will start or end some day