He walks through Central Park.
Fall has started.
The season of melancholia.
His favorite season.
He wonders and wanders.
Why is melancholia so natural in me?
From all the feelings in the universe
This feels like me.
My coffee is too warm.
I am wandering in Central Park
I never predicted this.
NEVER.
He stops for a second and takes a picture.
A cold breeze hits him
He smiles and embrace it.
People walks around him.
It is 5:00 pm
It's getting darker and colder.
The park and autumn at its best moment.
Melancholia, Romanticism, Cycles ending.
A couple walks towards him.
Two girls, embracing each other.
No talk.
Their hands together.
She looks at her and stare at a squirrel running.
She kisses her and keep walking.
No word.
Just a connection.
What does it feel?
He wonders.
When it happened....will I know?
How do you know?
What does it feel to feel that?
How do you know you are connected?
Questions, questions in his head.
His coffee is getting cold.
The wind blows harder.
The leafs fall and create magic.
Nobody is around the pond.
New York City and Autumn.
Magic surrounds this city in fall.
But the park becomes surrounded by dark magic.
A magic that will involved you and make you part of it.
He keeps walking.
He keeps questioning.
He sits right in front of the Bethesda Fountain.
And he is not longer his.
He is now part of the melancholia, romanticism and the autumn.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Les passions
It begins with a flame.
That could either vanish.
Or grow to become a fire.
Oh soul.
Whatever it becomes
Vanished or incendiary
There will always leave a mark.
A scar
A reminder you felt it.
I question myself.
What is the point of battling against it?
I have no control over it.
The more you fight it.
The harder it gets.
I feel anger.
I feel warmth.
I feel hope.
I feel fear.
I feel hate.
I feel love.
I feel.....
And I wonder while wandering
I'm not good with poetry
The same way I'm not good with feeling
I am emotions
I feel
I am human.
I used to fear
The feelings living within me
It was consuming me
It was consuming who I am and my soul
I no longer avoid
I have lived in this darkness
I almost drown
But then the flame....the heat brought me back
And I embraced it.
But
I always questioned
Are feelings part of a punishment given by the deities?
Why are we being punished?
Why are some of us naturally warmth and become cold?
Is it a curse as well?
The curse of les passions.
La maldicion de los sentimienti.
If it is I embrace it.
I embrace my curse.
I am not longer afraid.
I am a passionate person.
I am not crazy, although I wish I was.
So I wouldn't care much.
Is a constant battle...
But it is not a battle anymore when you enjoy to play.
And if the deities gave me this game
I shall be a great player.
I'm not entitled to win, neither to loose.
What am I entitled to?
Feel.
I am not afraid.
I will never know the nothingness of feelings.
I am aware of who I am.
I am.
That could either vanish.
Or grow to become a fire.
Oh soul.
Whatever it becomes
Vanished or incendiary
There will always leave a mark.
A scar
A reminder you felt it.
I question myself.
What is the point of battling against it?
I have no control over it.
The more you fight it.
The harder it gets.
I feel anger.
I feel warmth.
I feel hope.
I feel fear.
I feel hate.
I feel love.
I feel.....
And I wonder while wandering
I'm not good with poetry
The same way I'm not good with feeling
I am emotions
I feel
I am human.
I used to fear
The feelings living within me
It was consuming me
It was consuming who I am and my soul
I no longer avoid
I have lived in this darkness
I almost drown
But then the flame....the heat brought me back
And I embraced it.
But
I always questioned
Are feelings part of a punishment given by the deities?
Why are we being punished?
Why are some of us naturally warmth and become cold?
Is it a curse as well?
The curse of les passions.
La maldicion de los sentimienti.
If it is I embrace it.
I embrace my curse.
I am not longer afraid.
I am a passionate person.
I am not crazy, although I wish I was.
So I wouldn't care much.
Is a constant battle...
But it is not a battle anymore when you enjoy to play.
And if the deities gave me this game
I shall be a great player.
I'm not entitled to win, neither to loose.
What am I entitled to?
Feel.
I am not afraid.
I will never know the nothingness of feelings.
I am aware of who I am.
I am.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Stand up! Volunteering time!
Hi Blog!
I haven't been able to write in a while because unfortunately my roommate's pet "Mickey" ate and broke my laptop cable and I haven't been able to look for a replacement (I know I just have been poor and lazy) but I hope to be able to post more now.
After my assault there were dark times. I started to come out of the shadows by addressing my PTSD and depression and looked for help. My social worker recommended to contact the Anti Violence Project of New York City to help me with my hate crime and to look for help with them.
I was afraid to contact anyone just because of many things going on my head to be honest, which none of them seems relevant now but were by that time.
I contacted AVP as recommended and I spoke with the Hotline and they helped me to get counseling and help within the organization. This was my first time reaching my own community (LGBTQI), and I was there looking for help, because after seeing Queer As Folk and seeing how Justin was assaulted and became a hate crime victim, and watched how Jenny Schecter was victim of hate along with Moire in the L Word, you just never think that you will be on that side of the picture. The side of the picture where you are not a viewer; I was on the side where you are a victim and a survivor, where you become Jenny Schecter, Justin, Matthew Shepard and you become someone different not because you wanted, but because of intolerance, hatred and ignorance won in one person or in many people.
They started to give me counseling and I started to talk about how I feel and what was going on within me. Which is still weird to be honest, talk about an incident that you don't remember either because my brain blocked every type of memories regarding the incident or because of the concussion that took me to have short term memory loss. Its still shocking sometimes when I remember how I woke up in the hospital and not knowing anything at all, that you just are there laying in a bed at an unknown hospital and wondering "What the hell happened" and then your Dr. (which was very cute) tells you: "You were a hate crime victim, we checked and did all necessary tests and you are relatively fine. Unfortunately it seems that you suffered short term memory loss and you were unconscious".
WHAT?
Exactly. I felt so powerless, so weak, so like if it wasn't real, I just wanted it to be a really bad dream....but It wasn't. It wasn't at all. After all what I have gone through and this now. "What a luck"
I wrote a few post in the past regarding this I think. This post is not about all the traumas, insecurities, anxiety and everything related to suffer from PTSD. It is about how I started to feel....RAGE.
Little by little, I started to consume myself. Realizing that I wasn't going somewhere and that I was being eaten alive by myself. SO I decided to work on me and act on me, because I decided and I still repeat this to myself everyday: I AM WORTH IT.
I started to work in my case. But I realized that I was missing something and that I was feeling something at the same time: I wasn't and I won't allow anybody to lay a finger on me or to disrespect me in any way from now on, for being who I am or just because. I realized that I don't want this to happen to ANYBODY. Not just to me again, but just not to anybody!
I decided to belong, to be part of my community. Stop being a survivor and start doing something. SO I decided to volunteer. And it has been the best decision to be made again!
I volunteered in the past and it changed my life. You become this aware being, who is aware of what is happening in the world, but not just aware, but you feel everything what happens in your community. You have the passion, you feel the fire and you feel empowered by others when they go through the same and when you realize you are not alone.
I have never felt more empowered than helping the community, and what a way to do it before PRIDE in NYC :)
But also something different was growing within me: RAGE, PASSION, ANGER AND STRENGTH. And it feels overwhelming.
I can describe it like this:
RAGE: But not violent rage, more like organized rage. I don't even know if the concept exist but that is how I called it "Organized Rage". Rage to organize the community and be involved
PASSION: Once you are able to be out. I saw my community, I saw myself in every LGBTQ person out there. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.....I became my passion, they became my passion. My community is my passion now :)
ANGER: AKA as my fuel, my fire what feeds my passion and my rage. Being Anger all the time as the hulk makes you aware of everything around you, not only aware but awaken and to be ready. Ready for anything, ready to act up, to defend yourself and to speak up when is necessary!
STRENGTH: Every day you become more of those three factors, but within strength you have ........LOVE. You become stronger, because what doesn't kill you, if you learn makes you stronger and open minded to learn from the world.
I share this. Because it is necessary, because the world doesn't stop for anybody. The world continue spinning and we are the ones who decide to keep walking or to stay and see how everyone else lives, or to live a really meaningful life with purpose to make this place a a better place. Even when you think it doesn't count.......you can inspire, you can motivate, you can empower, you can help and you can be just support :)
I haven't been able to write in a while because unfortunately my roommate's pet "Mickey" ate and broke my laptop cable and I haven't been able to look for a replacement (I know I just have been poor and lazy) but I hope to be able to post more now.
After my assault there were dark times. I started to come out of the shadows by addressing my PTSD and depression and looked for help. My social worker recommended to contact the Anti Violence Project of New York City to help me with my hate crime and to look for help with them.
I was afraid to contact anyone just because of many things going on my head to be honest, which none of them seems relevant now but were by that time.
I contacted AVP as recommended and I spoke with the Hotline and they helped me to get counseling and help within the organization. This was my first time reaching my own community (LGBTQI), and I was there looking for help, because after seeing Queer As Folk and seeing how Justin was assaulted and became a hate crime victim, and watched how Jenny Schecter was victim of hate along with Moire in the L Word, you just never think that you will be on that side of the picture. The side of the picture where you are not a viewer; I was on the side where you are a victim and a survivor, where you become Jenny Schecter, Justin, Matthew Shepard and you become someone different not because you wanted, but because of intolerance, hatred and ignorance won in one person or in many people.
They started to give me counseling and I started to talk about how I feel and what was going on within me. Which is still weird to be honest, talk about an incident that you don't remember either because my brain blocked every type of memories regarding the incident or because of the concussion that took me to have short term memory loss. Its still shocking sometimes when I remember how I woke up in the hospital and not knowing anything at all, that you just are there laying in a bed at an unknown hospital and wondering "What the hell happened" and then your Dr. (which was very cute) tells you: "You were a hate crime victim, we checked and did all necessary tests and you are relatively fine. Unfortunately it seems that you suffered short term memory loss and you were unconscious".
WHAT?
Exactly. I felt so powerless, so weak, so like if it wasn't real, I just wanted it to be a really bad dream....but It wasn't. It wasn't at all. After all what I have gone through and this now. "What a luck"
I wrote a few post in the past regarding this I think. This post is not about all the traumas, insecurities, anxiety and everything related to suffer from PTSD. It is about how I started to feel....RAGE.
Little by little, I started to consume myself. Realizing that I wasn't going somewhere and that I was being eaten alive by myself. SO I decided to work on me and act on me, because I decided and I still repeat this to myself everyday: I AM WORTH IT.
I started to work in my case. But I realized that I was missing something and that I was feeling something at the same time: I wasn't and I won't allow anybody to lay a finger on me or to disrespect me in any way from now on, for being who I am or just because. I realized that I don't want this to happen to ANYBODY. Not just to me again, but just not to anybody!
I decided to belong, to be part of my community. Stop being a survivor and start doing something. SO I decided to volunteer. And it has been the best decision to be made again!
I volunteered in the past and it changed my life. You become this aware being, who is aware of what is happening in the world, but not just aware, but you feel everything what happens in your community. You have the passion, you feel the fire and you feel empowered by others when they go through the same and when you realize you are not alone.
I have never felt more empowered than helping the community, and what a way to do it before PRIDE in NYC :)
But also something different was growing within me: RAGE, PASSION, ANGER AND STRENGTH. And it feels overwhelming.
I can describe it like this:
RAGE: But not violent rage, more like organized rage. I don't even know if the concept exist but that is how I called it "Organized Rage". Rage to organize the community and be involved
PASSION: Once you are able to be out. I saw my community, I saw myself in every LGBTQ person out there. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.....I became my passion, they became my passion. My community is my passion now :)
ANGER: AKA as my fuel, my fire what feeds my passion and my rage. Being Anger all the time as the hulk makes you aware of everything around you, not only aware but awaken and to be ready. Ready for anything, ready to act up, to defend yourself and to speak up when is necessary!
STRENGTH: Every day you become more of those three factors, but within strength you have ........LOVE. You become stronger, because what doesn't kill you, if you learn makes you stronger and open minded to learn from the world.
I share this. Because it is necessary, because the world doesn't stop for anybody. The world continue spinning and we are the ones who decide to keep walking or to stay and see how everyone else lives, or to live a really meaningful life with purpose to make this place a a better place. Even when you think it doesn't count.......you can inspire, you can motivate, you can empower, you can help and you can be just support :)
Being overwhelmed is fine.
Taking the decision was hard. Walking alone and in solitude can be hard sometimes. Having a life and build a new one from scratch is not an easy thing. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed because there is nothing wrong with it. Every person is a different world and even if I feel like if I am alone and having no idea of what I do sometimes, I know I'm not alone. You owe no explanations to nobody, and if there is someone who think is the wisest being on earth because he/her/they/their overcome their issues can fuck themselves very much. Because every experience and person is different. And if someone thinks life works just one way for everybody they will see how I just put them away from my life. Some people think they are not negative. They claim they aren't but they are just full of shit and lies, they are manipulative and they just try to control and say to people what is wrong with them so they can feel good with themselves. Because they will never be able to look at themselves in the mirror and change. It is easier for them to judge than changing their own shit.
You'll find every type of person in the world. Surround with those who will help you to move forward in life, if you have nobody don't worry. Is better to be alone than with worthless people around you. #NYC #Life #LifeIsAJourney
You'll find every type of person in the world. Surround with those who will help you to move forward in life, if you have nobody don't worry. Is better to be alone than with worthless people around you. #NYC #Life #LifeIsAJourney
Saturday, March 28, 2015
I
I have never intended to be like everyone else.
I accepted long time ago that I am the weird type.
I am the one who thinks too much.
I am the one who feels.
I am the one who speak about how I feel.
I am the one who is weak sometimes.
I am the one who is powerful but is afraid of being it.
I am the one who knows what to do but is full of insecurities sometimes.
I am the one who believes and dream.
I am the queer.
I am the weird.
I am the stranger.
I am the sentimentalist.
I am the humanitarian.
I am the one who doesn't know.
I am who loves.
I am who gives.
I am who expects.
I am who wants.
I am who dreams.
I am who feels.
I am who breaks.
I am who gets up.
I am the lover.
I am the single.
I am the complicated.
I am the simple.
I am the one.
I am the second.
I am the one who is misunderstood.
I am the rebel.
I am the black sheep.
I am the queer.
I am the sinner.
I am the label.
I am.
I have been.
I was.
I have done.
I will.
I feel.
I love.
I cry.
I smile.
I
I am part of the ones who will always be misunderstood.
I am part of the ones who feel much or that is open about it.
I am part of those who feel hopeless sometimes.
I am part of those who don't believe in their own power sometimes.
I am the one who is afraid to assimilate and to embrace the power that lives within himself.
I wonder.
I think.
I daydream.
I fear.
I love.
I hate.
I want to love.
I love.
I have loved.
I have been broken.
I might be cracked.
I have scars.
I was hurt.
I have been in pain.
I read.
I write.
I create.
I envision.
I ...don't know.
I accepted long time ago that I am the weird type.
I am the one who thinks too much.
I am the one who feels.
I am the one who speak about how I feel.
I am the one who is weak sometimes.
I am the one who is powerful but is afraid of being it.
I am the one who knows what to do but is full of insecurities sometimes.
I am the one who believes and dream.
I am the queer.
I am the weird.
I am the stranger.
I am the sentimentalist.
I am the humanitarian.
I am the one who doesn't know.
I am who loves.
I am who gives.
I am who expects.
I am who wants.
I am who dreams.
I am who feels.
I am who breaks.
I am who gets up.
I am the lover.
I am the single.
I am the complicated.
I am the simple.
I am the one.
I am the second.
I am the one who is misunderstood.
I am the rebel.
I am the black sheep.
I am the queer.
I am the sinner.
I am the label.
I am.
I have been.
I was.
I have done.
I will.
I feel.
I love.
I cry.
I smile.
I
I am part of the ones who will always be misunderstood.
I am part of the ones who feel much or that is open about it.
I am part of those who feel hopeless sometimes.
I am part of those who don't believe in their own power sometimes.
I am the one who is afraid to assimilate and to embrace the power that lives within himself.
I wonder.
I think.
I daydream.
I fear.
I love.
I hate.
I want to love.
I love.
I have loved.
I have been broken.
I might be cracked.
I have scars.
I was hurt.
I have been in pain.
I read.
I write.
I create.
I envision.
I ...don't know.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
New York City
New York Nights.
We have to remain positives.
Sometimes I was eager but afraid to get out from my comfort zone.
I was acting stupid.
Getting out from it was the most exciting and scariest until now.
You grow so much in every aspect of your life.
You stop wasting time in things and people who aren't worth it. And you learn what is it worth enough your time.
It will hurt until you think you can't take more.
You will learn to take more pain and to keep walking.
You will walk and you might want to stop.
You won't stop, you will fall but you will get up.
Because you learn that either you keep on walking or you won't go anywhere.
You'll be alone.
Ironic this thing of being alone in a city of millions.
But you learn that every mind is a different world.
Every head is an universe.
A dimension.
A different reality.
And you learn that in your world, that in your universe and in your reality.
You must be your religion and your worship.
Because before anything or anyone else.
You just got you.
And without you, you wouldn't be here today and wouldn't keep going.
You realize of your potential.
You learn to acknowledge yourself.
And you believe in yourself.
You have to!
Because you are your own source of motivation and energy.
Motivation from other comes after your own.
You create, you change, you become.
Not only happens in NYC, but I guess it only happens when you are out there on your own.
Any city, any tough city will make you grow and it will hurt.
But is good.
You are not deat. Keep walking.
City of dreams..
#Dreamers #NoteToMySelf
#NewYorklife #NewYorkCity #BrooklynBridge #ManhattanSkyline #Manhattan
Friday, February 20, 2015
Sex, Oh Sex.
Fuck. Sometimes I really think that I was born in the wrong era. Because I used to fuck a lot and I know I have changed and I can't be fucking around anymore. Maybe because I know what it is to be fucking around and fuck with a different person every weekend or every other day? Maybe because I am looking something more substantial now?
Today I was talking to someone I've met in Tinder. He is only two years younger than me and we were talking for like about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, we really have a lot of things in common. From Harry Potter to being from the same country and never wanting to go back to live there. (Funny huh, to have a nationality and not wanting to live in the country you were born, but that is not the point today)
So we were talking about our habits, and random stuff to be honest.
But then a topic came out. Do you hook up frequently? To what he answer was: "Yes, if it happens why not? " then the question came back to me and my answer was: "I don't, but I am not sure if it is because I don't want to or because I am not like that anymore"
We finish our conversation like 2 hours ago and I keep thinking about it. To what I have concluded that I have a few reasons for not hooking up and having many one night stands....
- I had a closest friend a few years ago and he got an STD. I was with him through the whole process, he even had surgery and I was with him in his recovery and I think that impacted me in a way.
- I had a few crazy years like from 19 to 23 when I used to fuck just for fun and I kinda became a little dependant on sex.
-I got bored of the culture where I used to live where you can't be raw honest with someone and tell them "I want to fuck and I am looking for a fuck buddy, not a relationship" .....But people used to be so lame and the ones that I knew I could do that with were already in a relationship or bored to have the same fucking buddy so I got used to neither having a relationship and neither having sex because it seemed people love to have a date or many dates in order to have sex.
-I kinda like to have more substantial sex than a one night stand. Or at least having that intimate moment where you talk to someone in the bar and if you are attracted enough you make out and then if you are really into the person you proceed and fuck.....but rarely happens. Most of the guys and girls here wants to make eye contact and go straight to fuck without knowing your name. Don't misunderstand me, I love to be a stranger and fuck with someone I don't know and never know about that person in my life. But I can't do that every day.
-My fucking ex.......that bastard. I am not going to emphasize too much on how he affected me but fuck he fucked me up. I stop believing many things about me. I became this lame person that didn't believe in himself because I couldn't find myself attractive anymore, therefore I thought nobody could find me attractive. A friend of mine literally made an intervention to me so I could realize who I am, and how worth it I am.
I have learned or at least that is what I think, that every time you fuck around, every time you have sex or you are with someone, part of your substance is there. You are committed to a person while having sex for a moment in your life and part of you is there.
I think that it might be a cultural background since I come from a very religious background as well both things affects the way I see things. Is not that I hold myself but maybe I am going through many things right now that actually sex is not even in my bucket list and it isn't my priority. I mean if I found someone that makes me feel like a guy that I meet two months ago that I had a one night stand with without thinking it twice yeaaah, why the hell no? But is just not me looking for it. To be honest I was in Tinder because I was bored. I don't like hookup apps so much and tinder is the less devilish out there....or at least that is what I think *swipes right*
I am going through many things right now. I was talking to one friend yesterday that I have lived so but soooooo many things in this last 6 months that in the last 2 years (Or at least that is what I think) and that I have been pretty open to meet people and friends, but it seems that in New York everyone has time for already existing friends or to hook up because it is such a crazy city. But to be honest that is my perception right now. I am just going through many things right now.
And I might be weird and to be honest I don't care. But I don't think of sex as a such important thing. I think that you even get to know yourself more with a non sexual period in your life.
Today I was talking to someone I've met in Tinder. He is only two years younger than me and we were talking for like about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, we really have a lot of things in common. From Harry Potter to being from the same country and never wanting to go back to live there. (Funny huh, to have a nationality and not wanting to live in the country you were born, but that is not the point today)
So we were talking about our habits, and random stuff to be honest.
But then a topic came out. Do you hook up frequently? To what he answer was: "Yes, if it happens why not? " then the question came back to me and my answer was: "I don't, but I am not sure if it is because I don't want to or because I am not like that anymore"
We finish our conversation like 2 hours ago and I keep thinking about it. To what I have concluded that I have a few reasons for not hooking up and having many one night stands....
- I had a closest friend a few years ago and he got an STD. I was with him through the whole process, he even had surgery and I was with him in his recovery and I think that impacted me in a way.
- I had a few crazy years like from 19 to 23 when I used to fuck just for fun and I kinda became a little dependant on sex.
-I got bored of the culture where I used to live where you can't be raw honest with someone and tell them "I want to fuck and I am looking for a fuck buddy, not a relationship" .....But people used to be so lame and the ones that I knew I could do that with were already in a relationship or bored to have the same fucking buddy so I got used to neither having a relationship and neither having sex because it seemed people love to have a date or many dates in order to have sex.
-I kinda like to have more substantial sex than a one night stand. Or at least having that intimate moment where you talk to someone in the bar and if you are attracted enough you make out and then if you are really into the person you proceed and fuck.....but rarely happens. Most of the guys and girls here wants to make eye contact and go straight to fuck without knowing your name. Don't misunderstand me, I love to be a stranger and fuck with someone I don't know and never know about that person in my life. But I can't do that every day.
-My fucking ex.......that bastard. I am not going to emphasize too much on how he affected me but fuck he fucked me up. I stop believing many things about me. I became this lame person that didn't believe in himself because I couldn't find myself attractive anymore, therefore I thought nobody could find me attractive. A friend of mine literally made an intervention to me so I could realize who I am, and how worth it I am.
I have learned or at least that is what I think, that every time you fuck around, every time you have sex or you are with someone, part of your substance is there. You are committed to a person while having sex for a moment in your life and part of you is there.
I think that it might be a cultural background since I come from a very religious background as well both things affects the way I see things. Is not that I hold myself but maybe I am going through many things right now that actually sex is not even in my bucket list and it isn't my priority. I mean if I found someone that makes me feel like a guy that I meet two months ago that I had a one night stand with without thinking it twice yeaaah, why the hell no? But is just not me looking for it. To be honest I was in Tinder because I was bored. I don't like hookup apps so much and tinder is the less devilish out there....or at least that is what I think *swipes right*
I am going through many things right now. I was talking to one friend yesterday that I have lived so but soooooo many things in this last 6 months that in the last 2 years (Or at least that is what I think) and that I have been pretty open to meet people and friends, but it seems that in New York everyone has time for already existing friends or to hook up because it is such a crazy city. But to be honest that is my perception right now. I am just going through many things right now.
And I might be weird and to be honest I don't care. But I don't think of sex as a such important thing. I think that you even get to know yourself more with a non sexual period in your life.
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