Suddenly I cry.

I haven't feel the need to cry since I got to the apartment on monday afternoon. I went straight to bed, and then I woke up late to try to eat something but my face hurted, so I ate a little bit, I drank a few pain relievers and went to sleep again.

Today I was talking to my mom, she lives in "the most dangerous country" in the world, which if you see the date and the year and google it you will find out which one is it.
I missed her so much, I missed my dad so much today, I missed my Dolly.
I miss my room and my comfort zone. I miss them so much today, and then the thought that I don't remember anything from the incident but still have the bruises makes me feel powerless.

And suddenly I started to cry, but I held myself.

I am trying to tell myself that everything will be better, but I don't know if it will.
Tomorrow I have to go to the police station and file a report, and I am scared of doing so.
I have to go to the bank and get a new card, and then a new phone, and I am afraid.
I don't know if I am afraid just now or if I feel insecure, I don't know exactly what I feel.

But now, for now I wish I could have someone to hug me, or to hug and cry, and cry without shame.

I wish I could rewind this days and go back and not going out on sunday.
Because right now, I don't know nothing......and I am crying.

Assault

I am afraid. Because I know my problem. I know what have been causing me this, and your own demons are the worst to defeat. I want my soul to feel complete, I want my spirit to feel in peace, all I feel is darkness, and sickness, because I know how to fix this. But making a change is hard, because some bad habits are hard to kill and quit. Thanks Life I still have conciousness and moral (Which is relative) but I guess I feel like this because I know what is the best for me, and I know this is not good. Yes, I am writing this to vent, and so you know how miserable I am feeling, because I am feeling conflicted. 

I feel responsible for what happen. I just remember that I went out to have some drinks to Chelsea and I was having fun, then a guy that I meet told me to go to dance, so we went to hell's kitchen, we went to two clubs, the first one was not funny so we went to this other one where we were dancing until 3 maybe?

I just remember that I was walking down to the subway and I wanted to eat some food, so I steped into a restaurant, and a guy started to talk to me and he invited me to his table with his friend and his girlfriend, to what I say Yes. 

I remember we started to talk and were having an nice talk. Then the guy's friend started me to ask me is I was gay to which I responded YES, and he said, wow, you definitely don't look like one. And his friend (The one who invited me to sit with them) asked me "DO I look gay to you?" To which I responded "You just look like a regular man, I don't know if you are or not, taht is not the reason why I talked to you" to what he responded, "well you certainly kept talking to me because you are gay and thought that I was" to what his friend said "Dude, chill out, we are the one who are talking about this not him, why are you reacting liket that?" to what his girlfriend said: "Well, it is very obvious that our friend is gay and feels intimidated by someone who is secure of himself" so they guy yelled at me and asked me to move so I stand up, and paid my bill, when I was paying my bill the waitress told me, "Don't feel bad" to which I responded "I am not feeling bad" but when I was signing my ticket, the guy approached to me and grabbed me from my neck and last thing I remember is that I was being thrown to the sidewalk somewhere in hell's kitchen.

I woke up next morning by 10:00 am in Bellevue Hospital, in the emergency room, wondering what happened, and then they explained that I was found bleeding in the side walk, unconcious and without my wallet and my phone was smashed. They say I was barely responding when the paramedics rescued me.

The social worker from the hospital told me to file a police report as soon I was out of the hospital, but a blizzard was starting and I decided to go home, I came home and have been in bed for the last two days. The social worker told me that I had been a hate crime victim, because the girl from the restaurant told the paramedics that the guy kick you while you were unconcious and yelled at you "fag, stupid fag" and then they leaved.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what or how to feel. 

I feel guilty until some point I guess I was, but I am feeling sick and bad about me. 

.

Challenge after challenge

One of the biggest lessons that I learned from 2014 was to never give anything for granted. Sometimes the things you are most comfortable with are the ones that goes away from life first.

Thigs that you think are yours and will be there all of the time are the things that you have to appreciate but that you to learn how to no get them for granted. For nothing is granted in life because things are borrowed to us in life so we can appreciate and change what is around us and so we can help our own little world become a better place.

People thinks that things are granted to them because of their social status or because of how much money you have. Things can be taken away or can get away from those who think are saved from the other and their bad luck.

I have learned to appreciate what I have, what I win, what I earn and it might be dumb but I also appreciate what I lose. Nothing will remain with you forever....first you won't last forever and your material things might go underground or might be burned with you but they will not feed your soul only the soil.

That is why you have to do your best at every situation and opportunity that life borrows you, because that could have been given to someone .... else, someone who might appreciate that opportunity more of what you will ever do.

I am in the subway. A guys just drop dead on the floor and I bet he didn't see that coming. From where I come you might get killed in the public transportation and als  drop dead and its so common that nobody even reacts. To see a life fading away from someone is shocking and at the same time at least to me... motivating because It reminds me that I am alive , and even life might be so hard sometimes.. . I AM STILL HERE.....LIVING. 

Regards,

Mario

Happy New Year.

Being transgender is ok, being gay is ok, being lesbian is ok too. Being different is ok. You know what IT is NOT ok? Being full of hate. It isn't right to believe that you are God and that you can judge others. It isn't ok to call yourself a christian when you don't follow Jesus steps, or did you forget that one of Jesus friends was a prostitute?

I believe in science, I also believe in God. I want to leave my statement very clear. I am almost 25 years old, I have meet many people, from diferent countries, different families, different religions and different beliefs. I want you to be aware that I do respect your point of view, as long as your point of view is not full of hate and full of intolerance.

 I do think that the books that you read and believe in such as the Bible, Coran, Tora, etc are good and you have the right to faithfully believe in them, but  thinking that your beliefs are alright doesn't mean you are better than anyone. I do not believe that millions of people who never heard about Jesus will go to hell just because they never did.

I do not believe that God wants millions to be dying because they starve because they do not have enough resources to live and enjoy life, I believe that humankind is bad and allow those things, not God.

I was raised to think, to differenciate and analyze from what is Good and it isn't. I go to church sometimes because I like the community, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything you preach or what the bible says.
I do not believe anyone is less or more than me, therefore I do believe that woman is equal as man.

I do not believe God is a MAN just because the bible say so, God is gender neutral and I do believe that MAN itself started to call God a FATHER because of MALE superiority.

I am just writing some of my ideas to you, giving the fact that you share and post so eloquently your thoughts, I do so too. That I think like this doesn't mean I AM BAD, YOU JUDGING THE WAY I THINK MAKES YOU WRONG.

Happy New Year folks!

May God and the Universe be always in our favor.

Damage

I cut you off from my life about 3 weeks ago. And let me tell you I have been feeling so much better since I did it.

I really hope this it my last post about you.

There are so many things that happened, many promises that were broken.

Many love games and many manipulations from both.

We both love each other. I know you loved me, I know you still do.

I know you do because the way you showed me you cared and that you showed me your love was the worst.

You knew that my heart had never been so vulnerable and open to love someone; until you came.
You knew that you were the first person that I truly loved.
You knew that when you told me you were leaving to another country thousand of miles away I broke.
That my heart shattered to pieces.
That day by day the wound started to open more and more and that the pain started to grow.
I spend so many days feeliing how my inside was broken, how my heart was pieces, how I thought of you and loved you.

The one who stays is the one who suffers the most. Lesson learned.

I thought that we could be friends, instead you manipulated my feelings to see how you could affect me.

You played with me and part of me knew what you were doing.
Because I thought that one day........it could be "We" again.

I was wrong.

The truth is that you hurted me. I am damaged.

I had never felt so vulnerable and broken in my entire life. I have never been so affected by someone in my life. I had never felt so bad, so sad, so unconfident, so useless, so broken.

I feel so much rage towards you now...... because of what you did to me, because you did it knowing that I loved you, but you did it because you are bad, because you are damaged too, but being damaged doesn't give you power over someone else, being damaged doesn't mean you will do what they did to you to another person.

Every negative aspect of me came out to light because of you. I have never faked a smile or a positive attitude so many times and for so long. Lying to myself that everything was going to be ok when it wasn't.
I became self destructive, someone that didn't care for himself. My self-estime was gone. My own perception was damaged. I felt as the ugliest person, as if I wasn't worth it. The worst part is that I think that you did that to me to know that as long as you were feeling like shit, that as long as you were in pain, as long as you were not doing perfect you didn't want me to be happy. And that...... is just fucked up.

I just want to tell you that the day that you told me what you did...... that day you did it for the last time. But this time It was different, I was getting stronger, I wasn't the same weak person that I was a couple of months ago. I moved to another country, I have meet new people, new friends, people who appreciate who I am and who remind me of the beautiful being I am. I saw how old friends showed me love because I am a good person. I didn't feel as a good person, you made me forget many good aspects about me and I hate you so much because of that. I forgot that I am powerful. I forgot that I was beautiful. I had stopped believing in me. I stopped doing it (believing) and also I forgot so many things about me that now  is hard to acknowledge but I am starting to do it again. Now more than ever I appreciate every aspect of everything.

It is stupid when someone tells me .... "you are handsome" and I don't believe it, because you made me feel as an ugly person, I forgot I was attractive! I stopped knowing that about me.

It is stupid when people that I just met, tells me how nice and interesting I am, and how stupid it is because I don't know that about myself anymore. I stopped knowing it!

It is a daily struggle, I fight everyday against my insecurities and against my thoughts, against this thoughts I have in my head about me that I am certainly not.

I am damaged. I know it now.

I am trying to remember everyday who I am. How blessed I am and that I am worth it and that I am good, that I am not bad.

Now I appreciate more than ever who I am, and I am embracing every aspect of me and life the best way possible and I am loving the person I am becoming.

I do not thank you, because it has been a very painful process, and I am getting out of this alone and on my own.

I do want to tell you that I do not wish you anything.

I do want to tell you that I hope I know anything about you never again in my life.

I do want you to know that I don't hate you, but that I have learned and that you are not welcomed in my life.

I do want to tell you that you are a bad person and that in order to grow, you have to accept that you are broken, that you are damaged, because the longer that you hold this process, the more it will hurt you, and when you accept this fact about yourself, I hope you come out of it, but I hope you feel pain, I hope it hurts and that you break.

And the last thing is ........ I don't love you anymore, I just had it with you. I am so eager to close this chapter of my life where you are, I want you to be history and past. You are past, that is where you belong, I want you far from my present and from my future.

This is my last letter to you. I will keep thinking and fighting all this insecurities, but I will not longer think about you or us.

If I could I would love to forget you exist, but I can't, you will always be there even if you die, but I will see you as a ghost.......because you are not longer part of my reality, you are just a shadow.

Fuck you.

Regards,

Mario.

Start, Start, Stop!

We are so small in this world. 

We are just one among billions. 

We are many
We are nothing
We are everything
We are chaos
We are light. 

You can mean something for someone or nothing for someone else. 

You can make a huge difference in someone's life.....or not. 

You can create another human being or destroy it. 

You can do so many things or not

Many times we are restrained to do and chase what we want because we are familiarized with it so much that going out of our comfort zone is forbidden. 

Why do we have to stay comfortable with what we have or with who we are? 
Why do we have to be OK with the order of things? 
Why do we have to agree to live under standars and rules?
Why do we have to follow society? 
Why do we forget to listen our own voice?
Why do we forget about US?

There is no perfection in the human life which it means that there is always room to improve. Which it means that you can disagree and create a better path. 

You are not perfect, you are not more than anyone, you will die. 
There is no human who is certain about what will happen after you die. 

The goal shouldn't be: Be good so you can have another and a better life after this life. The goal should be: Just be the best that you can, for you and your world. 

Better things will come if you lose your fear to live and to be. You will find yourself and it will hurt, it is a painful process, but you become a better you and stronger. 

Start somewhere.

Start living. 

Stop fearing. 

By: Mario Guevara #EveryDayALittleDeath #Blog #Blogger #Writing #Writer #CentralPark #Nyc #newyork #manhattan #concretejungle #citythatneversleeps #boysofnyc #change #fearless #fierce #life #boys #autumn #yourvoiceisyourweapon #lifelessons

New

I was depressed. I had no motivation at all, no expectations of life. At one point all what I wanted to do was staying in my room and just be, not thinking and not even crying anyomore. 

I was in such depression that my dreams and goals seemed imposible and part of the science fiction world. I started to give up and I just didn't believe in anyone neither in me. 

I tried to get away. 
I knew that I needed a fresh start. 
I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be no one and someone at the same time. 
Somewhere where I would never  disappoint anyone including me.
Somewhere where I could be me and take control of everything. 
Somewhere where I could feel alive, where I could walk among people and be a perfect stranger. Somewhere where I could be free, where my mind could be in peace with my soul and my heart.

A fresh start. 

Moving to a new country and leave everything what you know was a hard decision to make.
You take full control of your life and of who you are. You choose to leave all what is normal and what you know. You have to build a new life with the knowledge and experience that you have acquired so far in your life and trust that and have faith on the person you that have become so far in this journey. 

The biggest challenge is to know and acknowledge who you really are, because you are everything you have, you are the only old friend, the only family, the only everything you have and if you don't know who "you are" yet....your journey is to find that out. 

"Fresh start" sounds delightful and easy. It is delightful but it isn't easy at all. Sometimes the depression chases me and I feel like giving up.....but I fight, because I don't want to be defeated by my own fears, because I want to defeat my fears and I want to acomplish my goals and have new challenges. 

It has been hard and sometimes you feel like everything is against you, but then you remember your motivation, that you accepted the challenge for a reason: YOU. 

Then you stand up and keep walking.