Challenge after challenge

One of the biggest lessons that I learned from 2014 was to never give anything for granted. Sometimes the things you are most comfortable with are the ones that goes away from life first.

Thigs that you think are yours and will be there all of the time are the things that you have to appreciate but that you to learn how to no get them for granted. For nothing is granted in life because things are borrowed to us in life so we can appreciate and change what is around us and so we can help our own little world become a better place.

People thinks that things are granted to them because of their social status or because of how much money you have. Things can be taken away or can get away from those who think are saved from the other and their bad luck.

I have learned to appreciate what I have, what I win, what I earn and it might be dumb but I also appreciate what I lose. Nothing will remain with you forever....first you won't last forever and your material things might go underground or might be burned with you but they will not feed your soul only the soil.

That is why you have to do your best at every situation and opportunity that life borrows you, because that could have been given to someone .... else, someone who might appreciate that opportunity more of what you will ever do.

I am in the subway. A guys just drop dead on the floor and I bet he didn't see that coming. From where I come you might get killed in the public transportation and als  drop dead and its so common that nobody even reacts. To see a life fading away from someone is shocking and at the same time at least to me... motivating because It reminds me that I am alive , and even life might be so hard sometimes.. . I AM STILL HERE.....LIVING. 

Regards,

Mario

Happy New Year.

Being transgender is ok, being gay is ok, being lesbian is ok too. Being different is ok. You know what IT is NOT ok? Being full of hate. It isn't right to believe that you are God and that you can judge others. It isn't ok to call yourself a christian when you don't follow Jesus steps, or did you forget that one of Jesus friends was a prostitute?

I believe in science, I also believe in God. I want to leave my statement very clear. I am almost 25 years old, I have meet many people, from diferent countries, different families, different religions and different beliefs. I want you to be aware that I do respect your point of view, as long as your point of view is not full of hate and full of intolerance.

 I do think that the books that you read and believe in such as the Bible, Coran, Tora, etc are good and you have the right to faithfully believe in them, but  thinking that your beliefs are alright doesn't mean you are better than anyone. I do not believe that millions of people who never heard about Jesus will go to hell just because they never did.

I do not believe that God wants millions to be dying because they starve because they do not have enough resources to live and enjoy life, I believe that humankind is bad and allow those things, not God.

I was raised to think, to differenciate and analyze from what is Good and it isn't. I go to church sometimes because I like the community, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything you preach or what the bible says.
I do not believe anyone is less or more than me, therefore I do believe that woman is equal as man.

I do not believe God is a MAN just because the bible say so, God is gender neutral and I do believe that MAN itself started to call God a FATHER because of MALE superiority.

I am just writing some of my ideas to you, giving the fact that you share and post so eloquently your thoughts, I do so too. That I think like this doesn't mean I AM BAD, YOU JUDGING THE WAY I THINK MAKES YOU WRONG.

Happy New Year folks!

May God and the Universe be always in our favor.

Damage

I cut you off from my life about 3 weeks ago. And let me tell you I have been feeling so much better since I did it.

I really hope this it my last post about you.

There are so many things that happened, many promises that were broken.

Many love games and many manipulations from both.

We both love each other. I know you loved me, I know you still do.

I know you do because the way you showed me you cared and that you showed me your love was the worst.

You knew that my heart had never been so vulnerable and open to love someone; until you came.
You knew that you were the first person that I truly loved.
You knew that when you told me you were leaving to another country thousand of miles away I broke.
That my heart shattered to pieces.
That day by day the wound started to open more and more and that the pain started to grow.
I spend so many days feeliing how my inside was broken, how my heart was pieces, how I thought of you and loved you.

The one who stays is the one who suffers the most. Lesson learned.

I thought that we could be friends, instead you manipulated my feelings to see how you could affect me.

You played with me and part of me knew what you were doing.
Because I thought that one day........it could be "We" again.

I was wrong.

The truth is that you hurted me. I am damaged.

I had never felt so vulnerable and broken in my entire life. I have never been so affected by someone in my life. I had never felt so bad, so sad, so unconfident, so useless, so broken.

I feel so much rage towards you now...... because of what you did to me, because you did it knowing that I loved you, but you did it because you are bad, because you are damaged too, but being damaged doesn't give you power over someone else, being damaged doesn't mean you will do what they did to you to another person.

Every negative aspect of me came out to light because of you. I have never faked a smile or a positive attitude so many times and for so long. Lying to myself that everything was going to be ok when it wasn't.
I became self destructive, someone that didn't care for himself. My self-estime was gone. My own perception was damaged. I felt as the ugliest person, as if I wasn't worth it. The worst part is that I think that you did that to me to know that as long as you were feeling like shit, that as long as you were in pain, as long as you were not doing perfect you didn't want me to be happy. And that...... is just fucked up.

I just want to tell you that the day that you told me what you did...... that day you did it for the last time. But this time It was different, I was getting stronger, I wasn't the same weak person that I was a couple of months ago. I moved to another country, I have meet new people, new friends, people who appreciate who I am and who remind me of the beautiful being I am. I saw how old friends showed me love because I am a good person. I didn't feel as a good person, you made me forget many good aspects about me and I hate you so much because of that. I forgot that I am powerful. I forgot that I was beautiful. I had stopped believing in me. I stopped doing it (believing) and also I forgot so many things about me that now  is hard to acknowledge but I am starting to do it again. Now more than ever I appreciate every aspect of everything.

It is stupid when someone tells me .... "you are handsome" and I don't believe it, because you made me feel as an ugly person, I forgot I was attractive! I stopped knowing that about me.

It is stupid when people that I just met, tells me how nice and interesting I am, and how stupid it is because I don't know that about myself anymore. I stopped knowing it!

It is a daily struggle, I fight everyday against my insecurities and against my thoughts, against this thoughts I have in my head about me that I am certainly not.

I am damaged. I know it now.

I am trying to remember everyday who I am. How blessed I am and that I am worth it and that I am good, that I am not bad.

Now I appreciate more than ever who I am, and I am embracing every aspect of me and life the best way possible and I am loving the person I am becoming.

I do not thank you, because it has been a very painful process, and I am getting out of this alone and on my own.

I do want to tell you that I do not wish you anything.

I do want to tell you that I hope I know anything about you never again in my life.

I do want you to know that I don't hate you, but that I have learned and that you are not welcomed in my life.

I do want to tell you that you are a bad person and that in order to grow, you have to accept that you are broken, that you are damaged, because the longer that you hold this process, the more it will hurt you, and when you accept this fact about yourself, I hope you come out of it, but I hope you feel pain, I hope it hurts and that you break.

And the last thing is ........ I don't love you anymore, I just had it with you. I am so eager to close this chapter of my life where you are, I want you to be history and past. You are past, that is where you belong, I want you far from my present and from my future.

This is my last letter to you. I will keep thinking and fighting all this insecurities, but I will not longer think about you or us.

If I could I would love to forget you exist, but I can't, you will always be there even if you die, but I will see you as a ghost.......because you are not longer part of my reality, you are just a shadow.

Fuck you.

Regards,

Mario.

Start, Start, Stop!

We are so small in this world. 

We are just one among billions. 

We are many
We are nothing
We are everything
We are chaos
We are light. 

You can mean something for someone or nothing for someone else. 

You can make a huge difference in someone's life.....or not. 

You can create another human being or destroy it. 

You can do so many things or not

Many times we are restrained to do and chase what we want because we are familiarized with it so much that going out of our comfort zone is forbidden. 

Why do we have to stay comfortable with what we have or with who we are? 
Why do we have to be OK with the order of things? 
Why do we have to agree to live under standars and rules?
Why do we have to follow society? 
Why do we forget to listen our own voice?
Why do we forget about US?

There is no perfection in the human life which it means that there is always room to improve. Which it means that you can disagree and create a better path. 

You are not perfect, you are not more than anyone, you will die. 
There is no human who is certain about what will happen after you die. 

The goal shouldn't be: Be good so you can have another and a better life after this life. The goal should be: Just be the best that you can, for you and your world. 

Better things will come if you lose your fear to live and to be. You will find yourself and it will hurt, it is a painful process, but you become a better you and stronger. 

Start somewhere.

Start living. 

Stop fearing. 

By: Mario Guevara #EveryDayALittleDeath #Blog #Blogger #Writing #Writer #CentralPark #Nyc #newyork #manhattan #concretejungle #citythatneversleeps #boysofnyc #change #fearless #fierce #life #boys #autumn #yourvoiceisyourweapon #lifelessons

New

I was depressed. I had no motivation at all, no expectations of life. At one point all what I wanted to do was staying in my room and just be, not thinking and not even crying anyomore. 

I was in such depression that my dreams and goals seemed imposible and part of the science fiction world. I started to give up and I just didn't believe in anyone neither in me. 

I tried to get away. 
I knew that I needed a fresh start. 
I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be no one and someone at the same time. 
Somewhere where I would never  disappoint anyone including me.
Somewhere where I could be me and take control of everything. 
Somewhere where I could feel alive, where I could walk among people and be a perfect stranger. Somewhere where I could be free, where my mind could be in peace with my soul and my heart.

A fresh start. 

Moving to a new country and leave everything what you know was a hard decision to make.
You take full control of your life and of who you are. You choose to leave all what is normal and what you know. You have to build a new life with the knowledge and experience that you have acquired so far in your life and trust that and have faith on the person you that have become so far in this journey. 

The biggest challenge is to know and acknowledge who you really are, because you are everything you have, you are the only old friend, the only family, the only everything you have and if you don't know who "you are" yet....your journey is to find that out. 

"Fresh start" sounds delightful and easy. It is delightful but it isn't easy at all. Sometimes the depression chases me and I feel like giving up.....but I fight, because I don't want to be defeated by my own fears, because I want to defeat my fears and I want to acomplish my goals and have new challenges. 

It has been hard and sometimes you feel like everything is against you, but then you remember your motivation, that you accepted the challenge for a reason: YOU. 

Then you stand up and keep walking.

We have to face our fears in order to change. If we never know what are we afraid of we will never be able to face the things that are holding us from growing.
I am not afraid of death, I am afraid that the people who loves me is sad or are suffering because of me. I am that type of people who worries and care more for his family, his friends and his beloved ones than for him.
My biggest fear is nothing stupid, my biggest fear is to know someone is that I love is sad and that freaks me out to a point that I would do almost anything for them, leaving what I want and my happiness behind.

I want to be my priority. I feel like if I have been stuck and in hold for about 2 years, and I want to stop and face my fear and change.

It is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do. I need to be selfish for a while and make my dreams and my goals my number one thing in life. I have to stop putting people before me. I keep worrying too much and letting people to manipulate me with their feelings and I let myself to be manipulated even I know that I have to stop feeling so bad about people´s situation. I am too emphatetic sometimes.

I know who I want, I know my big goals, I have to clear my mind about some of them. But the people I love need to really understand that I have my life, that I am the owner of it and that I have to make my own decisions. It is hard for me to try to make them understand that not all my decisions will be the decisions they would have taken, but still are my decisions, that is my life!

Build a new life is not easy, but sometimes it is even harder when the ones you love try to give you advice but expect you to do what they want.

It is my life, and I need to be stronger. This is a struggle, but something needs to be done.

Colombus Circle

I am between colombus circle and 42nd st. I am in the "A" train.

Today is Monday, everyone hates Mondays nowadays. We hate Mondays because many of us have jobs that we don't and that many times we have because we need the money, because we need to survive. So in order to do so we sacrifice our own satisfaction and because our needs we get jobs that we can do but that we don't want.

So today I woke up like every other normal person.... I wanted to stay in bed all day long. But instead I remember the advice a new friend gave me on Friday night " You have to work you ass hard, not only here in NYC but in your life. If you want to achieve something in life you have to work hard"

True. So many times I have felt defeated and I haven't even tried yet. The true is that sincere advice is stuck in my mind and I remember it every time I feel tired this Monday. I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to win in life. I know that I will lose sometimes but the fact is that life isn't fair and life isn't for losers.

Chris talked to me with such an authority because he has gone through a lot of shit already, and he is here and he has achieved and he keep fighting because his goals are being accomplished but he knows he isn't done yet.

I wonder why so many times people gives us advice but we don't take it. I think that sometimes we realized that we need some stranger who gives you advice because they even if they don't know you, want good for you.

I had to go down in Utica avenue because I took the Lefferts boulevard "a" train instead of the Rockaway train.

Well so as I was saying. The decisions we do everyday are the ones that are important. Maybe  I already knew all what Chris told me that day.... but maybe that day I realized and took responsibility of the advice I have known for a while.

So I woke up, I got me a cup of coffee, I got to the shower without thinking much and I dressed up, drank my coffee,  brushed my teeth, got my bag and got out of the apartment. Got to the subway station, took a picture of the sunrise and got to the train. I thought about taking a nap but then I realized that is not the best thing to do if you want to stay awake with a good attitude. So instead of that I took "Dorothy must die" out of my bad and continue where I left it. Got to work, I got on time! And suddenly it was 5:30. What a nice day. I saw and talked to this guy that I like a lot at work and he gave me his number. Then I saw my good Colombian friend, we'll call her "B" and had a good time. I got out from work and the day was cold but not awful cold, it was nice cold so I walked to the 7 train subway station, got to the subway and as always I was standing because I love how Manhattan looks like from long island city. I got down in grand central and then decided to walk. So I walked up to central park, then I walked to Columbus circle, took some pictures.

There it was the feeling. I felt satisfied because my day has been so good so far. I got to work, to walk, to enjoy the weather, to read(Oz  is fucked up because of Dorothy), to flirt ( I know haha) and to feel happy.

I am getting to the JFK stop now. The sun is set already, and I just received a text from the guy I like. Such a good day.