Support

I have my own story.
I won't write about it this time.
I don't want to make it about me.
I want to take the time to honor my brothers and sisters within the LGBTQ community.

You runaway from circumstances, where your life has been endangered and where you just look forward to survive and eventually to start living. True, every experience is different for every individual, what causes me trauma might cause you nothing. What causes me pleasure, might be your pain. What triggers me might not do it to you.

I decided to support and help my community because I am aware that we need it as much help we can receive and give because even tho we are moving forward in equality there is a humongous fight to keep to accomplish full human rights equality.

On my first meeting with the immigration support group I cried, I told my story and I felt safe with a group of individuals that I had no fucking idea who they were or if I was ever going to see again. But I for the first time felt embraced and safe to be me, to think and to express as I truly am. Everyone embraced me and acknowledge my life and gave me love.

Then she spoke.

"I am from Jamaica. My family doesn't talk to me, they banish me from talking to anyone from my family. I have been bullied all my life for something I didn't understand before until I understood I was a woman and that I had been born with male anatomy. I freaked out and I seek for help and warmth from my mother. I told her. She told my dad. I was bashed for the first time in my life that day. I was sent to therapy conversion. They locked me down and I was being hit every time that a ' 'girl' mannerism would be noticed by anyone.
At the age of 15 I was being abused by my uncle and never said anything. I shut down at school, and I tried to not speak to anyone so my 'girl' behavior wouldn't be noticed by no one. By the age of 16 all what I thought was dead. I felt flat, no emotions and I just wanted it to be over. A guy was set on fire and killed in the streets the other day because he was caught buying nail polisher....it was for his girlfriend, but they assumed he was gay. If I get to die, at least I wanted to do it in my own terms. I met someone at school, she started to talk to me out of nowhere, how could she talk to someone like me, she was popular....unlike me. She said 'I know what you are and what you are going through, let's be friends and nobody will know, we can pretend, we can have our backs'. My mom find out about my 'girlfriend'. See everything is being normal now, your demons are going away.....she said. After a year, her dad find her with her girlfriend naked in her room. He killed them both. Then everyone knew about me, apparently she had a journal and she wrote about our agreement. I knew what was going to happen, and I felt fear, because for the first time in years I realized that I wanted to live. I was 18 already. I had my tourist visa. My parents were not home, I broke to their room, I took my necessary papers, I took my savings, I took a cab, and I went to the airport. I didn't know what I was doing, I just knew that I wanted to live and that I didn't want to die, I wanted to LIVE. I came here 8 months ago. Had nowhere to go, had no information, I slept in the airport the first two nights. Then I heard about the center and I lived in a shelter for 6 months, now I have a job and I'm no longer Jacob, I am since today officially Charlotte. I don't know anything about my parents or my family, I don't ever want to know about them or Jamaica again, NEVER. The only reason I would like to know about is to take all my sisters and brothers away from there so they can be safe and live."

My problems......vanished. I was broken. You probably have heard stories like this in the internet, tv, newspapers and other sources. But hearing them from someone is just frightening and so realistic. Listen to our voices. To hear them and see them acknowledge that we are worth living, that we deserve to be happy and that we deserve to be loved and to be who we truly are. Is so beautiful, it is so empowering. At the same time you think about all of those that can't make it, that their lives have and are being taken away just because they do not understand you and just because you do not fit their standards or their society rules. That we are being killed every day due to ignorance, due to religions, due to intolerance and superiority.

I was approached yesterday by this transsexual sister yesterday. She just moved from Bangladesh and she is still very afraid and scared of being her. She acknowledges who she is but she asked me: "Can I dress as a woman and as who I truly am here? Can I bring my dress and my make up and change in the restroom and be me here?" Before I answer I thought about my privilege and I thought about my answer.... "Yes dear, you are in a safe space here, you can be you here, you are not going to be judged in the lgbt center, nobody is going to point a finger nor tell you something. Bring whatever you want and dress here and if you need help dressing up I'm sure that we can assist" . She smiled back and hugged me. Then she ask "In the group you said that you are non-binary and that you are gender queer, and that your pgp is your name, does that mean that you want to be a girl too?". I smiled back and asnwered: "There are many things that you won't understand right away, and you will learn. No, I am comfortable with who I am, I just don't like the binary system that we have been imposed that discriminates one gender from the other and gives superiority to one over another. I am Mario and I do me, I am free from the binary system because I acknowledge the diversity and embrace it."

For a moment I stop and I realized that there are so many folks living out there in the shadows waiting for some light. It really upsets me to know that millions have died in the shadows all their life. That this world is so hard and to be against our human complexity is so unnatural.
I don't give anything for granted but I am privileged somehow and oppressed in other ways. But the privilege that I have been given I try to use it to empower my community, because we have to keep fighting and standing up for ourselves.

It triggers me a little bit, but I try to keep this stories in my mind everyday to remind myself that I am blessed and privileged, that my problems are nothing compared to others. That my life has been beautiful compared to others. That many of us are not here and we still are.

#LGBT #Support #LGBTimmigration #Privilege

Yell

The loneliness sometimes feels so overwhelming.
I wish I could just shut down all the feelings and emotions.
All the thoughts.
I wish I could be cold.
Without feelings.
Heartless

This road is too tough sometimes.
Its been more than a year

I have been too much lonely. 

I need warmth again.
I learned to be self efficient. 

I have gotten good at it (being alone) 

But is still complicated sometimes. 

And like fucking today

I breakdown
Millions surround me and  my heart feels something different.

Before it was

Millions surround me and yet I am alone. 

It is so fucking annoying when I have been so in control of me. 

In control of my emotions and my feelings. 

This is getting a little bit uncomfortable to be out of my comfort zone. 

You are not fucking complaining. 

You are just letting it out. 

Because I do want it. 

I want this. 

But of course that is how you are supposed to feel shitty shit. 

I don't even know you that well.

Why in the fucking world do I need you and kind of miss you already? 

Is it my fucking heart being fucking immature and stupid? 

Is my brain fucking playing games with me? 

Are they both being fucking annoying? 

This is really happening. 

You have to get used to it 

FUCKING GET USED TO IT. 

Bones

                                                                          Current mood.

Begin again

This time I shall reframe from writing what I feel.

I just feel peace as I lay.

I feel quiet.

My mind and heart are in ease.

I shall just quote this song...which I relate to and I like it.

"You'll be the moon, I'll be the earth and we we burst start over....oh darling.

Begin again!"

And a picture that I took a few days ago representing this...

Comfort

I feel like being honest today.

After being single for so long and being happy being that way I am facing awkwardness now that I decided to walk out of the comfort zone. Walking out of the comfort zone means that I am dating again and in that world of multiple possibilities where you embrace vulnerability. 

You see, you have to be aware that "comfort" sometimes means holding yourself back to be happier or better. And I'm not comfortable anymore, at the same time I feel good about doing it even if I have no fucking idea what dating means again.Because I have the rules in my own house that honesty is first and I'm honest when I say I have no fucking idea. 

I mean do not get me wrong. A part of me hates to be this way, to feel something for someone is just something I didn't remember how it was anymore. And I'm not quite sure if I like it or if I don't, I'm in doubt. Meeting with someone and getting double messages when you like them and they seem to like you a lot as well but then.....you are left hanging and it feels .... That . 

At the same time tho, I know this is making me a player(not like a player "player" but back in the game, capisce?) again and to be out there in the field and to get practice and renovate my energies and to know more people. I'm happy for that because I know that not all New Yorkers are assholes when it comes to talk about dating in the queer world. Because if you are not queer let me give you your first class on Dating in the Queer World 101: You will face assholes 95% of your time.  But I'm AWARE of this, and I'm aware that I can be an asshole sometimes, and is ok to be an asshole sometimes, because is part of life....Being an asshole and being the nicest guy sometimes, you can't please everyone! 

Is not only about being an asshole or not either. Is about keep being real and true to yourself. That is why sometimes you have to (At least in New York City) create walls with doors and locks with different keys on them, because you just can't be open and let someone in that easily here. Because sometimes folks (or you) just want to get laid and they will be the nicest and warmest of all to get you on their bed, and then buy bye. At the same I give credibility to some of them because again....not everyone is an asshole. 

I am very open and I don't want to be over thinking about dates, guys, situations or anyone. I want to enjoy the fact that I feel insecure, uncomfortable with the thought that I would like to love again and see the turn out.....and ....to acknowledge and being aware that I ...... That I like him a lot. And I am allowing myself to feel, and I won't feel bad anymore for being warm...because that's who I am, and I don't want to be cold, I have been cold and I hate to be cold.

Also  I have embraced the fact that I am attractive, smart, intelligent and not the wisest queer on earth but worth it and I know my value. I am open to fall, to play, to be around and to Netflix and Chill.....or walk around in silence with that person and acknowledging our presence and that we are holding each other....

I always, ALWAYS keep in mind that changes and happiness never comes from routine or living the same cycle everyday.

Fire

Passion sometimes comes with not being patient
I shall not pressure this.
Patience will bring the best
I shall breathe
Patience is a form of action as well.
I shall learn.

I know what I feel.
I won't look back because past stories are past
I'm not attempting to write anything but what I'm feeling.

I forgot that what is worth is hard to get.
But with patience it will flow.

"WHAT YOU SEEK, IS SEEKING YOU. - Romi "


So It might not happen with you but it might happen I don't know, let me enjoy this.

Afraid

I am trying to understand you.
It seems that I am not the only who is indecipherable.
And it is hard for me to understand.
Usually I am the one who reads, analyzes and understand.
It seems that you are hard to read.
And you seem to be afraid to open up
Because you have been hurt and you are damaged.

No, you won't accept the fact that I know you are.
But I know you are, because I have been there.
And I know how you are acting.
But you don't have to be afraid of me.
Even if you say you are not, you are afraid.

We are both afraid of being vulnerable again.
Because with vulnerability we become soft.
And when we are vulnerable.
We fall.

But dear, don't be afraid.
We both can be vulnerable together.
Because you have asked....

Why am I so nice and warm with you...... when everyone is cold and careless.
I am not everyone and won't ever be like that.
I am not afraid to be hurt or to be vulnerable when I know someone is worth it.
Because I know I am.
I want your vulnerability, and I want us to fall together.

You are tying to distance from me.
I know what you are doing.
You don't have to explain.
I have done it.
But please, don't do it.
Don't push me away.

Because I started to think of you in the mornings.
Because I started to wonder how your days are, if you are doing good or not..
Because I started to picture your face,
                                             your lips,
                                             your smile,
                                             your voice,
                                             your kisses,
                                             your heat,
                                                     you.
Because I started to want more of you.
Because I am intrigued with you.
Because I think you and I will do a great story together.

I don't care if you read this someday, but I need to put this out there.
I want to fall.
I want to think of you.
Even if it takes time, I'll be patient.
If you need space, I'll give it to you.
When you need me, I'll try to be there with you.

Just don't be afraid.
Let's fall together.

Warmth,

Mario.