Afraid

I am trying to understand you.
It seems that I am not the only who is indecipherable.
And it is hard for me to understand.
Usually I am the one who reads, analyzes and understand.
It seems that you are hard to read.
And you seem to be afraid to open up
Because you have been hurt and you are damaged.

No, you won't accept the fact that I know you are.
But I know you are, because I have been there.
And I know how you are acting.
But you don't have to be afraid of me.
Even if you say you are not, you are afraid.

We are both afraid of being vulnerable again.
Because with vulnerability we become soft.
And when we are vulnerable.
We fall.

But dear, don't be afraid.
We both can be vulnerable together.
Because you have asked....

Why am I so nice and warm with you...... when everyone is cold and careless.
I am not everyone and won't ever be like that.
I am not afraid to be hurt or to be vulnerable when I know someone is worth it.
Because I know I am.
I want your vulnerability, and I want us to fall together.

You are tying to distance from me.
I know what you are doing.
You don't have to explain.
I have done it.
But please, don't do it.
Don't push me away.

Because I started to think of you in the mornings.
Because I started to wonder how your days are, if you are doing good or not..
Because I started to picture your face,
                                             your lips,
                                             your smile,
                                             your voice,
                                             your kisses,
                                             your heat,
                                                     you.
Because I started to want more of you.
Because I am intrigued with you.
Because I think you and I will do a great story together.

I don't care if you read this someday, but I need to put this out there.
I want to fall.
I want to think of you.
Even if it takes time, I'll be patient.
If you need space, I'll give it to you.
When you need me, I'll try to be there with you.

Just don't be afraid.
Let's fall together.

Warmth,

Mario.

Melancholia, Romanticism, Autumn.

He walks through Central Park. 
Fall has started. 
The season of melancholia. 
His favorite season. 
He wonders and wanders. 

Why is melancholia so natural in me?
From all the feelings in the universe
This feels like me. 
My coffee is too warm.
I am wandering in Central Park
I never predicted this. 
NEVER. 

He stops for a second and takes a picture. 
A cold breeze hits him
He smiles and embrace it. 
People walks around him.

It is 5:00 pm
It's getting darker and colder.
The park and autumn at its best moment. 
Melancholia, Romanticism, Cycles ending.

A couple walks towards him. 
Two girls, embracing each other.
No talk.
Their hands together. 
She looks at her and stare at a squirrel running. 
She kisses her and keep walking.
No word. 
Just a connection. 

What does it feel?
He wonders. 

When it happened....will I know? 
How do you know?
What does it feel to feel that?
How do you know you are connected?

Questions, questions in his head. 
His coffee is getting cold. 
The wind blows harder.
The leafs fall and create magic. 
Nobody is around the pond. 

New York City and Autumn.
Magic surrounds this city in fall. 
But the park becomes surrounded by dark magic. 
A magic that will involved you and make you part of it. 

He keeps walking. 
He keeps questioning. 
He sits right in front of the Bethesda Fountain. 
And he is not longer his. 

He is now part of the melancholia, romanticism and the autumn. 

Les passions

It begins with a flame. 
That could either vanish.
Or grow to become a fire. 
Oh soul. 

Whatever it becomes
Vanished or incendiary 
There will always leave a mark. 
A scar
A reminder you felt it. 

I question myself. 
What is the point of battling against it?
I have no control over it.
The more you fight it. 
The harder it gets. 

I feel anger. 
I feel warmth. 
I feel hope. 
I feel fear. 
I feel hate. 
I feel love. 
I feel.....

And I wonder while wandering
I'm not good with poetry
The same way I'm not good with feeling
I am emotions
I feel
I am human. 

I used to fear 
The feelings living within me
It was consuming me
It was consuming who I am and my soul

I no longer avoid 
I have lived in this darkness
I almost drown 
But then the flame....the heat brought me back
And I embraced it.

But 
I always questioned 

Are feelings part of a punishment given by the deities?
Why are we being punished?
Why are some of us naturally warmth and become cold?
Is it a curse as well?

The curse of les passions. 
La maldicion de los sentimienti. 

If it is I embrace it. 
I embrace my curse. 
I am not longer afraid.
I am a passionate person. 
I am not crazy, although I wish I was.
So I wouldn't care much. 
Is a constant battle...
But it is not a battle anymore when you enjoy to play. 
And if the deities gave me this game
I shall be a great player. 

I'm not entitled to win, neither to loose. 
What am I entitled to?
Feel. 

I am not afraid. 

I will never know the nothingness of feelings. 

I am aware of who I am. 

I am. 

Stand up! Volunteering time!

Hi Blog!

I haven't been able to write in a while because unfortunately my roommate's pet "Mickey" ate and broke my laptop cable and I haven't been able to look for a replacement (I know I just have been poor and lazy) but I hope to be able to post more now.

After my assault there were dark times. I started to come out of the shadows by addressing my PTSD and depression and looked for help. My social worker recommended to contact the Anti Violence Project of New York City to help me with my hate crime and to look for help with them.
I was afraid to contact anyone just because of many things going on my head to be honest, which none of them seems relevant now but were by that time.

I contacted AVP as recommended and I spoke with the Hotline and they helped me to get counseling and help within the organization. This was my first time reaching my own community (LGBTQI), and I was there looking for help, because after seeing Queer As Folk and seeing how Justin was assaulted and became a hate crime victim, and watched how Jenny Schecter was victim of  hate along with Moire in the L Word, you just never think that you will be on that side of the picture. The side of the picture where you are not a viewer; I was on the side where you are a victim and a survivor, where you become Jenny Schecter, Justin, Matthew Shepard and you become someone different not because you wanted, but because of intolerance, hatred and ignorance won in one person or in many people.

They started to give me counseling and I started to talk about how I feel and what was going on within me. Which is still weird to be honest, talk about an incident that you don't remember either because my brain blocked every type of memories regarding the incident or because of the concussion that took me to have short term memory loss. Its still shocking sometimes when I remember how I woke up in the hospital and not knowing anything at all, that you just are there laying in a bed at an unknown hospital and wondering "What the hell happened" and then your Dr. (which was very cute) tells you: "You were a hate crime victim, we checked and did all necessary tests and you are relatively fine. Unfortunately it seems that you suffered short term memory loss and you were unconscious".

WHAT?

Exactly. I felt so powerless, so weak, so like if it wasn't real, I just wanted it to be a really bad dream....but It wasn't. It wasn't at all. After all what I have gone through and this now. "What a luck"
I wrote a few post in the past regarding this I think. This post is not about all the traumas, insecurities, anxiety and everything related to suffer from PTSD. It is about how I started to feel....RAGE.

Little by little, I started to consume myself. Realizing that I wasn't going somewhere and that I was being eaten alive by myself. SO I decided to work on me and act on me, because I decided and I still repeat this to myself everyday: I AM WORTH IT.

I started to work in my case. But I realized that I was missing something and that I was feeling something at the same time: I wasn't and I won't allow anybody to lay a finger on me or to disrespect me in any way from now on, for being who I am or just because. I realized that I don't want this to happen to ANYBODY. Not just to me again, but just not to anybody!

I decided to belong, to be part of my community. Stop being a survivor and start doing something. SO I decided to volunteer. And it has been the best decision to be made again!

I volunteered in the past and it changed my life. You become this aware being, who is aware of what is happening in the world, but not just aware, but you feel everything what happens in your community. You have the passion, you feel the fire and you feel empowered by others when they go through the same and when you realize you are not alone.

I have never felt more empowered than helping the community, and what a way to do it before PRIDE in NYC :)

But also something different was growing within me: RAGE, PASSION, ANGER AND STRENGTH. And it feels overwhelming.
I can describe it like this:

RAGE: But not violent rage, more like organized rage. I don't even know if the concept exist but that is how I called it "Organized Rage". Rage to organize the community and be involved

PASSION: Once you are able to be out. I saw my community, I saw myself in every LGBTQ person out there. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.....I became my passion, they became my passion. My community is my passion now :)

ANGER: AKA as my fuel, my fire what feeds my passion and my rage. Being Anger all the time as the hulk makes you aware of everything around you, not only aware but awaken and to be ready. Ready for anything, ready to act up, to defend yourself and to speak up when is necessary!

STRENGTH: Every day you become more of those three factors, but within strength you have ........LOVE. You become stronger, because what doesn't kill you, if you learn makes you stronger and open minded to learn from the world.

I share this. Because it is necessary, because the world doesn't stop for anybody. The world continue spinning and we are the ones who decide to keep walking or to stay and see how everyone else lives, or to live a really meaningful life with purpose to make this place a a better place. Even when you think it doesn't count.......you can inspire, you can motivate, you can empower, you can help and you can be just support :)

Being overwhelmed is fine.

Taking the decision was hard. Walking alone and in solitude can be hard sometimes. Having a life and build a new one from scratch is not an easy thing. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed because there is nothing wrong with it. Every person is a different world and even if I feel like if I am alone and having no idea of what I do sometimes, I know I'm not alone. You owe no explanations to nobody, and if there is someone who think is the wisest being on earth because he/her/they/their overcome their issues can fuck themselves very much. Because every experience and person is different. And if someone thinks life works just one way for everybody they will see how I just put them away from my life. Some people think they are not negative. They claim they aren't but they are just full of shit and lies, they are manipulative and they just try to control and say to people what is wrong with them so they can feel good with themselves. Because they will never be able to look at themselves in the mirror and change. It is easier for them to judge than changing their own shit.
You'll find every type of person in the world. Surround with those who will help you to move forward in life, if you have nobody don't worry. Is better to be alone than with worthless people around you. ‪#‎NYC‬ ‪#‎Life‬ ‪#‎LifeIsAJourney‬

I

I have never intended to be like everyone else.
I accepted long time ago that I am the weird type.
I am the one who thinks too much.
I am the one who feels.
I am the one who speak about how I feel.
I am the one who is weak sometimes.
I am the one who is powerful but is afraid of being it.
I am the one who knows what to do but is full of insecurities sometimes.
I am the one who believes and dream.

I am the queer.
I am the weird.
I am the stranger.
I am the sentimentalist.
I am the humanitarian.
I am the one who doesn't know.

I am who loves.
I am who gives.
I am who expects.
I am who wants.
I am who dreams.
I am who feels.
I am who breaks.
I am who gets up.

I am the lover.
I am the single.
I am the complicated.
I am the simple.
I am the one.
I am the second.

I am the one who is misunderstood.
I am the rebel.
I am the black sheep.
I am the queer.
I am the sinner.
I am the label.

I am.
I have been.
I was.
I have done.
I will.
I feel.
I love.
I cry.
I smile.
I

I am part of the ones who will always be misunderstood.
I am part of the ones who feel much or that is open about it.
I am part of those who feel hopeless sometimes.
I am part of those who don't believe in their own power sometimes.
I am the one who is afraid to  assimilate and to embrace the power that lives within himself.

I wonder.
I think.
I daydream.
I fear.

I love.
I hate.

I want to love.
I love.
I have loved.

I have been broken.
I might be cracked.
I have scars.
I was hurt.
I have been in pain.

I read.
I write.
I create.
I envision.
I ...don't know.

New York City

New York Nights.

We have to remain positives.

Sometimes I was eager but afraid to get out from my comfort zone.

I was acting stupid.

Getting out from it was the most exciting and scariest until now.

You grow so much in every aspect of your life. 

You stop wasting time in things and people who aren't worth it. And you learn what is it worth enough your time. 

It will hurt until you think you can't take more.

You will learn to take more pain and to keep walking.

You will walk and you might want to stop. 

You won't stop, you will fall but you will get up.

Because you learn that either you keep on walking or you won't go anywhere.

You'll be alone.

Ironic this thing of being alone in a city of millions. 

But you learn that every mind is a different world.

Every head is an universe.

A dimension.

A different reality.

And you learn that in your world, that in your universe and in your reality.

You must be your religion and your worship.

Because before anything or anyone else.

You just got you.

And without you, you wouldn't be here today and wouldn't keep going.

You realize of your potential.

You learn to acknowledge yourself.

And you believe in yourself. 

You have to!

Because you are your own source of motivation and energy.

Motivation from other comes after your own. 

You create, you change, you become.

Not only happens in NYC, but I guess it only happens when you are out there on your own.

Any city, any tough city will make you grow and it will hurt.

But is good.

You are not deat. Keep walking. 

City of dreams.. 

#Dreamers #NoteToMySelf
#NewYorklife #NewYorkCity #BrooklynBridge #ManhattanSkyline #Manhattan