Fuck. Sometimes I really think that I was born in the wrong era. Because I used to fuck a lot and I know I have changed and I can't be fucking around anymore. Maybe because I know what it is to be fucking around and fuck with a different person every weekend or every other day? Maybe because I am looking something more substantial now?
Today I was talking to someone I've met in Tinder. He is only two years younger than me and we were talking for like about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, we really have a lot of things in common. From Harry Potter to being from the same country and never wanting to go back to live there. (Funny huh, to have a nationality and not wanting to live in the country you were born, but that is not the point today)
So we were talking about our habits, and random stuff to be honest.
But then a topic came out. Do you hook up frequently? To what he answer was: "Yes, if it happens why not? " then the question came back to me and my answer was: "I don't, but I am not sure if it is because I don't want to or because I am not like that anymore"
We finish our conversation like 2 hours ago and I keep thinking about it. To what I have concluded that I have a few reasons for not hooking up and having many one night stands....
- I had a closest friend a few years ago and he got an STD. I was with him through the whole process, he even had surgery and I was with him in his recovery and I think that impacted me in a way.
- I had a few crazy years like from 19 to 23 when I used to fuck just for fun and I kinda became a little dependant on sex.
-I got bored of the culture where I used to live where you can't be raw honest with someone and tell them "I want to fuck and I am looking for a fuck buddy, not a relationship" .....But people used to be so lame and the ones that I knew I could do that with were already in a relationship or bored to have the same fucking buddy so I got used to neither having a relationship and neither having sex because it seemed people love to have a date or many dates in order to have sex.
-I kinda like to have more substantial sex than a one night stand. Or at least having that intimate moment where you talk to someone in the bar and if you are attracted enough you make out and then if you are really into the person you proceed and fuck.....but rarely happens. Most of the guys and girls here wants to make eye contact and go straight to fuck without knowing your name. Don't misunderstand me, I love to be a stranger and fuck with someone I don't know and never know about that person in my life. But I can't do that every day.
-My fucking ex.......that bastard. I am not going to emphasize too much on how he affected me but fuck he fucked me up. I stop believing many things about me. I became this lame person that didn't believe in himself because I couldn't find myself attractive anymore, therefore I thought nobody could find me attractive. A friend of mine literally made an intervention to me so I could realize who I am, and how worth it I am.
I have learned or at least that is what I think, that every time you fuck around, every time you have sex or you are with someone, part of your substance is there. You are committed to a person while having sex for a moment in your life and part of you is there.
I think that it might be a cultural background since I come from a very religious background as well both things affects the way I see things. Is not that I hold myself but maybe I am going through many things right now that actually sex is not even in my bucket list and it isn't my priority. I mean if I found someone that makes me feel like a guy that I meet two months ago that I had a one night stand with without thinking it twice yeaaah, why the hell no? But is just not me looking for it. To be honest I was in Tinder because I was bored. I don't like hookup apps so much and tinder is the less devilish out there....or at least that is what I think *swipes right*
I am going through many things right now. I was talking to one friend yesterday that I have lived so but soooooo many things in this last 6 months that in the last 2 years (Or at least that is what I think) and that I have been pretty open to meet people and friends, but it seems that in New York everyone has time for already existing friends or to hook up because it is such a crazy city. But to be honest that is my perception right now. I am just going through many things right now.
And I might be weird and to be honest I don't care. But I don't think of sex as a such important thing. I think that you even get to know yourself more with a non sexual period in your life.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Religión e Hipocresía solo un pensamiento
Si los religiosos (Sean cristianos, musulmanes, judios, etc...) están en contra de los piercings (aritos), tatuajes, cirugías plásticas, etc.... porque nuestro cuerpo es templo y morada del espíritu santo y es propiedad de Dios no de nosotros.
No deberían de haber religiosos con obesidad mórbida o sobrepeso, porque eso es abusar de su cuerpo e irrespetar el templo de Dios.
No deberían de haber religiosos con el pelo pintado porque están faltando el respeto al templo y morada del Señor.
No deberían de utilizar aritos las mujeres porque es una falta de respeto a Dios, y tienen que olvidarse que es un aspecto cultural el que las mujeres usen aritos.
Y con la moral que predican los religiosos. No deberían de ser hipócritas, ni hacer juicios de nadie.
Pero claro los religiosos están tan afanados de juzgar a todos para sentirse superiores, porque sus libros religiosos les dice que son el cuerpo de Dios, que son la iglesia, que son los elegidos. Ellos creen en la superioridad como si fueran mejores seres humanos y olvidan que sus religiones han causado millones de muertes en la historia y siguen causando muerte en todo el mundo.
Los religiosos mandan al infierno al que no crea en sus convicciones. Lo que significa que los no seguidores de sus religiones nos iremos directo al infierno aunque nuestra vida haya sido de bien, aunque no juzguemos el estilo de vida ni las decisiones de los demás (Algo que ellos hacen con mucho esmero)
No deberían de haber religiosos con obesidad mórbida o sobrepeso, porque eso es abusar de su cuerpo e irrespetar el templo de Dios.
No deberían de haber religiosos con el pelo pintado porque están faltando el respeto al templo y morada del Señor.
No deberían de utilizar aritos las mujeres porque es una falta de respeto a Dios, y tienen que olvidarse que es un aspecto cultural el que las mujeres usen aritos.
Y con la moral que predican los religiosos. No deberían de ser hipócritas, ni hacer juicios de nadie.
Pero claro los religiosos están tan afanados de juzgar a todos para sentirse superiores, porque sus libros religiosos les dice que son el cuerpo de Dios, que son la iglesia, que son los elegidos. Ellos creen en la superioridad como si fueran mejores seres humanos y olvidan que sus religiones han causado millones de muertes en la historia y siguen causando muerte en todo el mundo.
Los religiosos mandan al infierno al que no crea en sus convicciones. Lo que significa que los no seguidores de sus religiones nos iremos directo al infierno aunque nuestra vida haya sido de bien, aunque no juzguemos el estilo de vida ni las decisiones de los demás (Algo que ellos hacen con mucho esmero)
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Choose Love.
I woke up in the hospital, not knowing what happened. I saw my arm and I had a needle in it. I stood up and asked to the nurse where am I, and what happened to me.... I can't remember a thing. Then she told me: "You were assaulted, the witness says that it was a hate crime" ..... "....a hate crime"
My head started to spin, trying to remember a thing but I can't.
"I can't remember, I don't know what happened yesterday, I just remember being in a place and then nothing, why I can't remember?"
"You have a concussion, probably they hit you in the head and you lost consciousness, the witness says that you were in the floor and someone called you 'faggot'...... and then they ran"
"Faggot...... a hate crime? I, I don't know what to think, I don't know ...."
"The social worker will be with you in a moment"
I just wanted to get out of the hospital, to know what happened, or to rewind time and not to know a thing, I can't remember a thing, my clothes a ripped because I went to the emergency room, my clothes are torn, they gave me new clothes to go home and a metro card since my wallet was stolen. I feel powerless, I don't know what to do, my head keep spinning while the social worker ask me questions.
I got home, I sleep, and spent the next week sleeping and waking up just to eat something, get a shower and go back to sleep, I didn't feel alive, it was like if I was dead. My brain and my soul were disconnected, my heart was not there.
By the third day I started to wonder if that is what all the victims of assault feel, but what about being different, what about being afraid about who I AM. I never thought about that before.
I have hidden myself before, I have felt ashamed of me and my feelings, I have attempted suicide, I have been depressed and maybe I am a depressive person, I have overcome so many things to let this to defeat me. There was something weird going on inside me.
I spoke to a few friends and they told me a few things about me that I forgot: I am strong and a fighter.
I started to wonder if this is what hate crimes victims feel, afraid to even go out to the grocery store because you feel like if you can't trust no one, not even yourself.
I started to realize that so many times I have read news about hate crimes through history and through humanity. Then I realize how blessed and lucky I am to still be alive just with some injuries and some new insecurities.
I am overcoming this. The truth is that I have been learning and learning lessons through life the hard way, or maybe there is no hard way or easy way, there are just ways to learn from life, and every different way ......HURTS. Because pain and reaching bottom makes us stronger, because life gets better, but it doesn't mean that it will become easier. Either you believe in a God, Goddess, or whatever there is a way life works, it will prove you everyday if you deserve to live it, some of us have the opportunity to continue, and keep fighting. With the assault I realize that humanity is such a weak race and so ignorant, we are afraid of the unknown and we learn that hate is easier than love, because living with love means forgiveness and a life of new opportunities, while a life full of hate is about revenge, about keeping those bad feelings and never getting over, about being defensive and offensive because we think that everything and everyone in life is against us when we are the only enemy we have.
I started to feel hate, I was eating my emotions and hiding them, not allowing myself to cry or to forgive myself about what happened. I started to blame myself for playing and jeopardizing my own life and it was awful. I am not a hater, I can't hate, I have learned to forgive, because the first person I forgave was myself, and I know I will do mistakes and I have to forgive myself about my mistakes to get up and continuing my fight, but If I can't forgive myself how can I live a life full of happiness, leanings and love?
There is hate everywhere, and sometimes it seems that hate is more powerful than love, but it isn't. Hate is destruction, is self-destruction, is negative, is sadness, is the easy way to go.
Love is life, growing, is positive, is happiness, is the hard way to go.
Life is full of challenges. Life is full of pain. Life is full of beauty.
No, you and I were not able to choose if we wanted to be born or not. But we were born and we are here, we are alive, we are full of life. There is not absolute true about another life, but what I know is that I am alive, and that THIS is the life that I got and I will do my best to live it to its fullest, because If I don't have another chance to live again, I will make my best in this life and if I have another life I will live it to the fullest as well.
I know that life and the universe work in ways that we simple humans will never be able to understand, but one thing I do know is that if you give love to life and the universe they will grant you love back. If you give hate to the universe and life, you will be granted hate and destruction, and maybe you will be granted light so you can see there is other way to do things, or you will stay ignorant.
Knowledge opens your mind, an open mind learns how to be tolerant because you learn there is not ONE way, you learn that the universe is full of opportunities, that life is full of new beginnings, that the universe is complex and you are part of something so beautiful as it is life and this universe, you are not granted with full knowledge of everything because you have to learn how life is; is your decision to be happy and to fight for your dreams and to learn more and more, and to realize that the more you learn about life .....the less you know about it and you become humble to know that you have the chance to make of this the best or the worst, that is in your hands to smile and live and keep walking or to hate, remain the same mediocre person everyday of your life and to be miserable.
Ignorance takes you to hate, ignorance makes you afraid of what you don't understand, makes you angry and defensive. Ignorance put barriers in your heart and mind, makes your life full of revenge, hate and anger. Anger that you feel against everyone else but that actually is you hating yourself because you don't allow yourself to keep moving on, you don't allow forgiveness and you start to destroy yourself and to think that there is only one way, you start to see just grey because for you a rainbow is a privilege for everyone else but not for you, because your limited mind keeps you thinking that the world is your enemy, when you are the only one against yourself.
I knew six months ago that a new start wasn't going to be easy at all. I never thought that it would be this hard, but then I see my old me, the person I was six months ago, and I know that it has been a really tough way but I don't regret anything, I am happy where I am and the person I am becoming. I have forgiven to the person or people who attacked me, I feel sad for them because they are afraid of knowledge, they are afraid to open their minds to knowledge and I don't know anything about them but I feel bad about them, having to attack someone to feel better about themselves and powerful, is a shame. I know that all this challenges I am having are for my own good, but it doesn't mean that I have to gamble my life and risking my life for the freedom that I never had before. I learned my lesson.
We are surrounded of hate, there are many ways not only one. We are surrounded of people choosing the easy way and giving up too soon without even giving a fight. And I know that I could sound too Coelho but you know how it is, you know what is like to smile from within, you know what is to know that everything will be alright even without knowing the outcome.
I have chosen love and light, because I think that humanity is beautiful, I think that we all have the potential to make a better world, and if we all respect one another and embrace knowledge instead of ignorance the universe would give us so many good things back. I share this because I am not afraid, because I want you to know that you are not alone in this fight, that we are all humans and sometimes we might feel defeated, but if you realize the power you have, you will realize that you are not defeated, that you just stumbled and that you can keep walking and that falling and stumbling is OK, because it is a long road and you can smile after you get up!
I am feeling better, I have chosen to smile and I have chosen love, because I believe in me and I want better! Living a life with love is better, because you will reach your true potencial.
My head started to spin, trying to remember a thing but I can't.
"I can't remember, I don't know what happened yesterday, I just remember being in a place and then nothing, why I can't remember?"
"You have a concussion, probably they hit you in the head and you lost consciousness, the witness says that you were in the floor and someone called you 'faggot'...... and then they ran"
"Faggot...... a hate crime? I, I don't know what to think, I don't know ...."
"The social worker will be with you in a moment"
I just wanted to get out of the hospital, to know what happened, or to rewind time and not to know a thing, I can't remember a thing, my clothes a ripped because I went to the emergency room, my clothes are torn, they gave me new clothes to go home and a metro card since my wallet was stolen. I feel powerless, I don't know what to do, my head keep spinning while the social worker ask me questions.
I got home, I sleep, and spent the next week sleeping and waking up just to eat something, get a shower and go back to sleep, I didn't feel alive, it was like if I was dead. My brain and my soul were disconnected, my heart was not there.
By the third day I started to wonder if that is what all the victims of assault feel, but what about being different, what about being afraid about who I AM. I never thought about that before.
I have hidden myself before, I have felt ashamed of me and my feelings, I have attempted suicide, I have been depressed and maybe I am a depressive person, I have overcome so many things to let this to defeat me. There was something weird going on inside me.
I spoke to a few friends and they told me a few things about me that I forgot: I am strong and a fighter.
I started to wonder if this is what hate crimes victims feel, afraid to even go out to the grocery store because you feel like if you can't trust no one, not even yourself.
I started to realize that so many times I have read news about hate crimes through history and through humanity. Then I realize how blessed and lucky I am to still be alive just with some injuries and some new insecurities.
I am overcoming this. The truth is that I have been learning and learning lessons through life the hard way, or maybe there is no hard way or easy way, there are just ways to learn from life, and every different way ......HURTS. Because pain and reaching bottom makes us stronger, because life gets better, but it doesn't mean that it will become easier. Either you believe in a God, Goddess, or whatever there is a way life works, it will prove you everyday if you deserve to live it, some of us have the opportunity to continue, and keep fighting. With the assault I realize that humanity is such a weak race and so ignorant, we are afraid of the unknown and we learn that hate is easier than love, because living with love means forgiveness and a life of new opportunities, while a life full of hate is about revenge, about keeping those bad feelings and never getting over, about being defensive and offensive because we think that everything and everyone in life is against us when we are the only enemy we have.
I started to feel hate, I was eating my emotions and hiding them, not allowing myself to cry or to forgive myself about what happened. I started to blame myself for playing and jeopardizing my own life and it was awful. I am not a hater, I can't hate, I have learned to forgive, because the first person I forgave was myself, and I know I will do mistakes and I have to forgive myself about my mistakes to get up and continuing my fight, but If I can't forgive myself how can I live a life full of happiness, leanings and love?
There is hate everywhere, and sometimes it seems that hate is more powerful than love, but it isn't. Hate is destruction, is self-destruction, is negative, is sadness, is the easy way to go.
Love is life, growing, is positive, is happiness, is the hard way to go.
Life is full of challenges. Life is full of pain. Life is full of beauty.
No, you and I were not able to choose if we wanted to be born or not. But we were born and we are here, we are alive, we are full of life. There is not absolute true about another life, but what I know is that I am alive, and that THIS is the life that I got and I will do my best to live it to its fullest, because If I don't have another chance to live again, I will make my best in this life and if I have another life I will live it to the fullest as well.
I know that life and the universe work in ways that we simple humans will never be able to understand, but one thing I do know is that if you give love to life and the universe they will grant you love back. If you give hate to the universe and life, you will be granted hate and destruction, and maybe you will be granted light so you can see there is other way to do things, or you will stay ignorant.
Knowledge opens your mind, an open mind learns how to be tolerant because you learn there is not ONE way, you learn that the universe is full of opportunities, that life is full of new beginnings, that the universe is complex and you are part of something so beautiful as it is life and this universe, you are not granted with full knowledge of everything because you have to learn how life is; is your decision to be happy and to fight for your dreams and to learn more and more, and to realize that the more you learn about life .....the less you know about it and you become humble to know that you have the chance to make of this the best or the worst, that is in your hands to smile and live and keep walking or to hate, remain the same mediocre person everyday of your life and to be miserable.
Ignorance takes you to hate, ignorance makes you afraid of what you don't understand, makes you angry and defensive. Ignorance put barriers in your heart and mind, makes your life full of revenge, hate and anger. Anger that you feel against everyone else but that actually is you hating yourself because you don't allow yourself to keep moving on, you don't allow forgiveness and you start to destroy yourself and to think that there is only one way, you start to see just grey because for you a rainbow is a privilege for everyone else but not for you, because your limited mind keeps you thinking that the world is your enemy, when you are the only one against yourself.
I knew six months ago that a new start wasn't going to be easy at all. I never thought that it would be this hard, but then I see my old me, the person I was six months ago, and I know that it has been a really tough way but I don't regret anything, I am happy where I am and the person I am becoming. I have forgiven to the person or people who attacked me, I feel sad for them because they are afraid of knowledge, they are afraid to open their minds to knowledge and I don't know anything about them but I feel bad about them, having to attack someone to feel better about themselves and powerful, is a shame. I know that all this challenges I am having are for my own good, but it doesn't mean that I have to gamble my life and risking my life for the freedom that I never had before. I learned my lesson.
We are surrounded of hate, there are many ways not only one. We are surrounded of people choosing the easy way and giving up too soon without even giving a fight. And I know that I could sound too Coelho but you know how it is, you know what is like to smile from within, you know what is to know that everything will be alright even without knowing the outcome.
I have chosen love and light, because I think that humanity is beautiful, I think that we all have the potential to make a better world, and if we all respect one another and embrace knowledge instead of ignorance the universe would give us so many good things back. I share this because I am not afraid, because I want you to know that you are not alone in this fight, that we are all humans and sometimes we might feel defeated, but if you realize the power you have, you will realize that you are not defeated, that you just stumbled and that you can keep walking and that falling and stumbling is OK, because it is a long road and you can smile after you get up!
I am feeling better, I have chosen to smile and I have chosen love, because I believe in me and I want better! Living a life with love is better, because you will reach your true potencial.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Suddenly I cry.
I haven't feel the need to cry since I got to the apartment on monday afternoon. I went straight to bed, and then I woke up late to try to eat something but my face hurted, so I ate a little bit, I drank a few pain relievers and went to sleep again.
Today I was talking to my mom, she lives in "the most dangerous country" in the world, which if you see the date and the year and google it you will find out which one is it.
I missed her so much, I missed my dad so much today, I missed my Dolly.
I miss my room and my comfort zone. I miss them so much today, and then the thought that I don't remember anything from the incident but still have the bruises makes me feel powerless.
And suddenly I started to cry, but I held myself.
I am trying to tell myself that everything will be better, but I don't know if it will.
Tomorrow I have to go to the police station and file a report, and I am scared of doing so.
I have to go to the bank and get a new card, and then a new phone, and I am afraid.
I don't know if I am afraid just now or if I feel insecure, I don't know exactly what I feel.
But now, for now I wish I could have someone to hug me, or to hug and cry, and cry without shame.
I wish I could rewind this days and go back and not going out on sunday.
Because right now, I don't know nothing......and I am crying.
Today I was talking to my mom, she lives in "the most dangerous country" in the world, which if you see the date and the year and google it you will find out which one is it.
I missed her so much, I missed my dad so much today, I missed my Dolly.
I miss my room and my comfort zone. I miss them so much today, and then the thought that I don't remember anything from the incident but still have the bruises makes me feel powerless.
And suddenly I started to cry, but I held myself.
I am trying to tell myself that everything will be better, but I don't know if it will.
Tomorrow I have to go to the police station and file a report, and I am scared of doing so.
I have to go to the bank and get a new card, and then a new phone, and I am afraid.
I don't know if I am afraid just now or if I feel insecure, I don't know exactly what I feel.
But now, for now I wish I could have someone to hug me, or to hug and cry, and cry without shame.
I wish I could rewind this days and go back and not going out on sunday.
Because right now, I don't know nothing......and I am crying.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Challenge after challenge
One of the biggest lessons that I learned from 2014 was to never give anything for granted. Sometimes the things you are most comfortable with are the ones that goes away from life first.
Thigs that you think are yours and will be there all of the time are the things that you have to appreciate but that you to learn how to no get them for granted. For nothing is granted in life because things are borrowed to us in life so we can appreciate and change what is around us and so we can help our own little world become a better place.
People thinks that things are granted to them because of their social status or because of how much money you have. Things can be taken away or can get away from those who think are saved from the other and their bad luck.
I have learned to appreciate what I have, what I win, what I earn and it might be dumb but I also appreciate what I lose. Nothing will remain with you forever....first you won't last forever and your material things might go underground or might be burned with you but they will not feed your soul only the soil.
That is why you have to do your best at every situation and opportunity that life borrows you, because that could have been given to someone .... else, someone who might appreciate that opportunity more of what you will ever do.
I am in the subway. A guys just drop dead on the floor and I bet he didn't see that coming. From where I come you might get killed in the public transportation and als drop dead and its so common that nobody even reacts. To see a life fading away from someone is shocking and at the same time at least to me... motivating because It reminds me that I am alive , and even life might be so hard sometimes.. . I AM STILL HERE.....LIVING.
Regards,
Mario
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year.
Being transgender is ok, being gay is ok, being lesbian is ok too. Being different is ok. You know what IT is NOT ok? Being full of hate. It isn't right to believe that you are God and that you can judge others. It isn't ok to call yourself a christian when you don't follow Jesus steps, or did you forget that one of Jesus friends was a prostitute?
I believe in science, I also believe in God. I want to leave my statement very clear. I am almost 25 years old, I have meet many people, from diferent countries, different families, different religions and different beliefs. I want you to be aware that I do respect your point of view, as long as your point of view is not full of hate and full of intolerance.
I do think that the books that you read and believe in such as the Bible, Coran, Tora, etc are good and you have the right to faithfully believe in them, but thinking that your beliefs are alright doesn't mean you are better than anyone. I do not believe that millions of people who never heard about Jesus will go to hell just because they never did.
I do not believe that God wants millions to be dying because they starve because they do not have enough resources to live and enjoy life, I believe that humankind is bad and allow those things, not God.
I was raised to think, to differenciate and analyze from what is Good and it isn't. I go to church sometimes because I like the community, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything you preach or what the bible says.
I do not believe anyone is less or more than me, therefore I do believe that woman is equal as man.
I do not believe God is a MAN just because the bible say so, God is gender neutral and I do believe that MAN itself started to call God a FATHER because of MALE superiority.
I am just writing some of my ideas to you, giving the fact that you share and post so eloquently your thoughts, I do so too. That I think like this doesn't mean I AM BAD, YOU JUDGING THE WAY I THINK MAKES YOU WRONG.
Happy New Year folks!
May God and the Universe be always in our favor.
I believe in science, I also believe in God. I want to leave my statement very clear. I am almost 25 years old, I have meet many people, from diferent countries, different families, different religions and different beliefs. I want you to be aware that I do respect your point of view, as long as your point of view is not full of hate and full of intolerance.
I do think that the books that you read and believe in such as the Bible, Coran, Tora, etc are good and you have the right to faithfully believe in them, but thinking that your beliefs are alright doesn't mean you are better than anyone. I do not believe that millions of people who never heard about Jesus will go to hell just because they never did.
I do not believe that God wants millions to be dying because they starve because they do not have enough resources to live and enjoy life, I believe that humankind is bad and allow those things, not God.
I was raised to think, to differenciate and analyze from what is Good and it isn't. I go to church sometimes because I like the community, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything you preach or what the bible says.
I do not believe anyone is less or more than me, therefore I do believe that woman is equal as man.
I do not believe God is a MAN just because the bible say so, God is gender neutral and I do believe that MAN itself started to call God a FATHER because of MALE superiority.
I am just writing some of my ideas to you, giving the fact that you share and post so eloquently your thoughts, I do so too. That I think like this doesn't mean I AM BAD, YOU JUDGING THE WAY I THINK MAKES YOU WRONG.
Happy New Year folks!
May God and the Universe be always in our favor.
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