I write.

It's so hard to deal with this.

I don't think I was ready to love. Why? Because I just knew that love was a situation that can happen to everyone that It will take me down for a while before I could learn and grow from it.
It is such a fucking complicated situation where you get in to without knowing anything about the relationship you are getting in to it. Is like being an investor and not knowing what you are investing your time in. You don't know anything about it. You just know that you can fall inlove with that person and let the time goes by and see how everything grows and gets better so one day can end.

Here is the thing. I write. This is the only method I have known since I was a teen to relieve what I feel, so I don't explode so I don't keep all this inside. I know that all of the things I write might not have sense or that I might seem crazy. But I swear I have nothing or someone to tell everything that I feel or just talk about this that I feel or what I would like to do. Anne Frank said it, I customize it: Paper (Blog) just listen, unlike humans! You just say it, you don't have to justify what you say. So I write, and then I read, and then maybe a week later I read and I feel better, because I don't even remember how I was feeling and its good, because that means that I am feeling better. Its my own therapy to let out, to let go and to keep mentally sane.

So I have been writing a lot about love and feelings lately. Its very obvious that there is something inside me that is not ok with all of this yet. It is hard to describe and to understand, I just can describe it like a fucking salad of feelings but I am getting better lately. I am getting stronger. The storm that was spinning around my heart and mind is finally disipating and I think I can see some sunlight inside me again, and that's good. That means I am getting better.

It is my first love, it is the first time I have felt so many feelings and so much passion inside. I just never thought that I would be capable of so much, and to get it over and to become stronger and to realize that little by little you don't need to think or to be with that person anymore, because you are actually moving on. And that.........its good and it feels quite right.

It's getting easier to stop thinking about you and to keep you away, I remember a month ago, it was so fucking hard to keep you away, to think of you and to feel sad and so melancholic. Your love did a huge impact and change a lot in me. I am getting better and depending less and less of my heart and becoming stronger again, better than before. I am more stronger to keep away from you and I like it, because I don't like to feel sad all of the time, altough it is good to be sad, because if you are sad that means that soon you will be happy and better. It is a life style that you choose, to be happy and to be stronger. And many might think that being with someone is just a "normal" thing that happens and you cannot avoid. Well you can choose not having it, because I want my essence to be only for me, because when you get with someone, a part of you stays with them, and stays with them forever and your essence is there, not only yours anymore. So for now, I am getting better and that's all.

I write. And I feel better. Thanks.-

Humanity is not lost.

One day someone I really appreciate told me:

"The difference between you and me, is that I'm ok with my life and I just want to focus on me and what I want. But you, want to change your life, and you want to change the world. I don't want to change it, and you want to make everything better."

I think he told me that as a critic or to make me feel bad, but instead I felt proud of me, and that if people think that of me I am happy that is the perception I give. Because YES I want to change the world. This world is full of beautiful things, as well as so many awful things that happens everyday, and we just ignore them and do nothing about it.

Humanity is beautiful, the earth is beautiful and the universe that surrounds us as well, why shouldn't we try to improve and make our world a better place to live, for everyone and not just for a few?

We never realize that the world problems are now a matter that should concern everyone, because we are no longer living in a world where nobody knows about the injustice and inequality that occurs in every corner of the world.

We are 7 billions of humans. That is seven thousand millions of humans. (Just to clarify)

Why do we never realize the power that we have? But we leave the responsability to improve the world to our politicians, presidents, governors, ministers, etc.... Instead of us doing something we leave everything to a few that at the end of the day only cares about the sovereignity of their country/empire. The world is ready for us to stand up for many causes that are worth it.

Gender inequality, machism, homophobia, poverty, the huge breach between social classes, better education, wars, religious intolerance, animal abuse, environmental issues, world warming, deforestation, and I can make a really huge list.

The world can be different if everyone of us could concern and try to change one thing every month in our culture, but starting by ourselves. In a year you could change 12 things and make the world a better place for humanity by doing an effort every month.

Leaders and humanitarians such as Mahatma Ghandi, Monseñor Romero, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, and others did the change, and the impact of their actions and their activism changed the reality of many. I'm not intending to say that we all should be like them, because their life was full activism, we have many things to do, but there is always room to do something.

If you are a gay person and you live in a first world country, you should speak for those like you who are being killed and being imprisoned and beaten just for being who they are in those countries where extremist religious beliefs rule the society. Be their voice, speak up for them. It hurts to see how many politicians that put their religious beliefs first instead of analazing and thinking about the situation that LGBT population goes through because of people who is blind by their beliefs.

If you are woman and you are strong and can stand against abuse and inequality and speak up, you should share your courage and strength to those girls that are being abuse and that are being treated in a form nobody should; speak for them, stand for them, be a light for them. It is so sad to see a world where the female population is bigger than the male population and still is being out ruled and discriminated by those who think that man are more capable of women.

If you are a man and you are tolerant and you believe in equality and that we all are the same and that you are not better than anybody just because of your gender........speak up against those who believe they are more capable than those who doesn't share their bigoted thoughts about gender superiority.


Those are just some things that you could do and change. It is so shocking to see how our society has evolved in so many good things, but in the other hand it seems that we are going nowhere. There are are many countries that have the power to change so many human rights abuse and discrimination, and be the voice for those who are being smashed in so many places, but since those countries don't have oil, nobody cares about doing something. We are not late to react and to keep that light that makes us humans and that makes humanity so beautiful, we are world citizens, we share the same world, there are not physical frontiers. We are all capable of beautiful things, if just the half of the population could engaged and change something the world would improve so much.

There is light in the world, but we just have to realize that is inside of us and start shining and become a star in a world that really needs more light.

Goodbye letter.

I'm not going to lie.

I have never been inlove as I did with you. I have had a crush or two maybe but I have never been inlove and felt loved as I did with you.

This started out of nowhere like something impossible and something actually beautiful. When I remember how our first date was, and all of the following dates, they were just the best.

You became a really good friend and maybe the best one I have had so far. I remember the talks, how they last hours and hours and we never got bored of each other. How we used to laugh , how you used to touch me, how I used to touch you, how you used to see me, with that look that burned me insided with passion, how we used to kiss each other in a timeless manner, and to realize how time was our enemy.

To find someone who thinks so alike and someone who has so many goals in common its so weird, so estrange.

You made me feel like nobody.
You changed me.
You gave me love and made me believe in me again.
You gave me strength.
And you taught me to never depend on anyone than yourself.

There is a fact that I will never be able change, my life will never be the same after this. I guess that nothing is actually the same after every second that dies, but this actually cause a revolt in me.

I am not the same. I have loved, I have never loved this hard. I didn't knew I was capable of loving so hard and that loving someone so hard and with so much passion will drain energy and that a part of your essence goes away with that love that you give.

The truth is that I have never thought of anybody as I have done it with you.

We are not together anymore. This great thing we had was cut because of the simple fact that your dreams started to become reality and I was not in the picture, because of the reality of the things and because you choose to focus in yourself before the world. This is not a complain just a description.

"     " (There goes your name) Thank you so much for all of the experience that you have given me. I want you to know that I don't work the way you do. It hurts me a lot, it hurts to think of you and to picture your smile and you sight. It hurts to remind you and remember every single moment we had. "     " I am not strong as you are, I am vulnerable now, I am learning to get over this, to get over you and to realize that I will never love someone else as hard as I have loved you. I want you to know that letting you go is one of the hardest things that I have done and that I am doing and fighting againts the nature of things every day is so exhausting.

I want you to know that I will never stop loving us, what we had, what we were. I will love you for the time that my life lasts. I am not being tragic, this is just me a person who writes to relieve pain.

I want you to know that is not hard, but that I am doing my best to be selfish and to be the better version of myself everyday. I want you to know that sometimes I can't handle it and you come to my mind and it feels good, and I don't want to apologize anymore for this that I feel.

I want you to know that I am learning so much from this and from you.

I want you to know that a piece of my, will be always with you.

Now, my friend. I have to try to move on. I have to be true to myself and to make my dreams come true too.

Te amo. Hasta pronto.

PD.

There is no need to reply, please let me close this, because this is my closure, I think you already did, this is my time, so don't take my moment away. Bye

Letter

I really would like to know all the answers.
Really, I would love that.
Stop wondering how it could be, or what if this or that would happen.
And believe me I would love to disappear sometimes from earth or just stop living and check if something would be different or if someone besides my mom and dad would miss me.

And I started to write this thinking that I wouldn't be writing another post complaining or describing how shitty I feel. And believe me I spent all my childhood years and some of my teen years at the psychologist and at the end she told me that nothing was wrong with me. She told me that I need it to believe in me and to go out there and conquer the world. Well...  my mind is just a mess right now. I don't even know where to start, how to start and where to continue.

I am listening to Heroes by David Bowie, and I started to cry while reading the lyrics. I think that I'm such a baby sometimes, but I feel so many things happening inside me sometimes that only when I cry I feel like if I release something from me. I can go to the gym and be there 3 hours exercising or I can smoke (cigs) and still feel the same, but crying ..... is like opening the door for the shit to come out.

I would love for you to hear me and to be there, and I would really love that you can think of me as I do, and that you can realize that I need your support as I have given you support in the past too. But when I try to be open with you, you think that I am criticizing you or demanding something from you, and I really don't get it, why are you so defensive and offensive all of the time, sometimes I just need you to listen and to say something but not relating everything to you, as if my whole life spins around yours. You are so fucking selfish sometimes, that you don't even bother to ask how is my day, and if you ask you just do it for being polite but honestly, you don't give a damn about my day. You are always speaking in english lately and if I give you this to read you won't read it because is in "english", just another excuse for evading or you don't realize of all what I feel. Of all of the previous posts that I have written about all that I feel, but Is very fucking hard to realize that I have a better relationship with my blog than my relationship with you, and to say that we are away and that things doesn't work so well because of that is kind of like giving up or just giving a crap for keeping a friendship.....or a relationship.

Maybe you don't realize about it, but I always listen to you, and I always care about you and support you, when you were here, when you leaved and now that you are there. I am just asking you a little bit of support from you, that you can be my friend not just my "hello, how was your day and this is the picture of the day" kind of friend or boyfriend, and if you will say something like "I think you will be better without me" well stop right there because I am with you now, and you could have told me that warning at the beggning of everything because sometimes all of this is kind of fucked up for me, because sometimes I am not getting anything from you but coldness and more and more barriers between us. And I am feeling more shits that you maybe know, or that you maybe just ignore but It would be fucking good if you could wonder on how I really feel sometimes, and hey I'm not asking you to be a "loving and amorous" person, I just want to see some real feelings from your side because it seems that I am the only one feeling something now.....It would be good just to be clear and well be there for each other you know, not just one way, because I need you just as you needed me before and just as I was there for you before......I don't need a self-centered egotistical person with me, I need a real person who can be there.

Melanchoshit

I really don't know what is happening inside.
I tried to not feel, the more I try the more I feel.
I order my brain to be blank but my heart refuse.

This has never happenned to me before.
What is this?
Is there any medicine or any way to fix it?
Why do I think I need to be fixed.
Everything is just too confusing.

From light to darkness
From sadness to happiness
From smiling to suddenly cry
From feeling determined to feel wrecked.

I want to scream.
I feel how my heart skip a beat.
I feel powerless.
I feel incomplete. Something in me is missing.

Will I ever find it?
Will I ever stop?
Can I make it stop?

When I think I moved on.
I fall, and then I fall again and this time deeper than before.
This is stupid.

Days are the longest.
Often this takes hours
Sometimes minutes
And almost never seconds.

This is not just melancholy.
This is melanchoshit.

A country walking to chaos.

One day I woke up and realize that I am living in a country going nowhere.

This is the country where I was born, but not the country where I want to belong.

I don't want to be part of this place. 

Should I feel bad about it, I guess I should but now is part of me and part of my motivation to keep fighting to reach my goals. 

I guess is just a feeling that many people have but no one says because it makes you a traitor. Well I'm a proud traitor of all the leaders and politicians who rules this beautiful country with amazing people.

Being yourself in this society is wild and is like if you are starting a revolution. 

We are so tired of politicians and their disgusting politics but we are so used to sit down and to watch how they keep being mediocres without us demanding better politicians and asking why nobody stand up and demand the real politics that we deserve.

 

What is wrong with this society, what is wrong with us? Do we like to live in a society that is not evolving or that is in chaos? 

Do we like to be one between thousands and see how others just think about their new shirt, their new phone or their new relationship. 

We live in a world and a society that needs our brain not our consumption and comatose opinion.

What is going to be of this place and this country in a few years? I'm afraid because I see the worst part coming: where there will be chaos, the violence will be something normal again and we will just get used to it. What about our humanity and why don't we demand security? 

The bridge between poors and wealthy people is getting bigger and the middle class is in between wondering if is the best to keep moving forward or just going back, because if you keep looking forward it seems that there is a pack of wolves waiting for you. 

This society is full of machism, religious intolerance, violence, gangs, corruption, narrowed minds and rich people without any type of humanism in their souls and so many politicians without any type of good principles. 

Now some people keep wondering why I want to get the heck out of this place. I can't even go out and walk without feeling chased or with paranoia and wondering if something bad will happen to me. 

Politicians don't know what is that, they use our taxes and our hard work to be secure in their shelters and their bubbles, reality is so much different. 

This country is going nowhere and if is going somewhere is to chaos. 

We deserve better.

You will never be the same

I didn't understand why love was so important for some people.
I didn't understand why it was so powerful in some people's feelings and behaviour.
I didn't know that one feeling could be so beautiful and so powerful, as well so complicated.

I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love because I didn't have the time for it.
I also remember that one of the feelings that I hate the most is to feel vulnerable, and I knew that at the moment I would fall in love I would be open and vulnerable, I don't know if describe it as an open wound but that's the best example I can think of by now.

Fire, it feels like fire, how runs through your veins and through your everything.....your soul, your heart, your brain..... how that fire makes you feel full of joy and happiness and how it burns.

All of the feelings has their good and bad sides, is like ying yang, everything in this world has its opposite. Love has hate. You cannot feel full of joy and happiness all of the time, the universe makes sure that we don't keep feeling like that all of the time so we don't forget our reality.

Nothing is perfect and as this post everything is a mess sometimes, you don't know where to begin, you don't know how it will grow and you don't fucking know how it will end.....therefore you are just a mess.

I'm not going to talk about the happiness and how beautiful love makes me feel. Because as you have been told and experienced it's fucking amazing........but the part that it hurts as lemon juice in a wound, that is the part that many avoid to talk about, the part where your brain gets lost and cloudy, the part when your heart really feels as a fucking mess where you feel your heart wounded and torn is the part that nobody talks about but cry and keep silence about.

Love is such a powerful feeling, it is more powerful than hate indeed. Love can blind you, can make you feel things that you would have never think they existed before. Is a feeling that has been the reason to create many shields in many hearts, so it won't make any damage any more, but even with a shield, love will find a way to get inside again, because it has never gone.

You try to clear your mind, the more you try, the stronger the memories and the feelings come back and crush you. Little by little you realize and learn that is not about forgeting or to just take it away, it takes a lot of courage to keep moving, because crying and feeling shit will not fix anything. Either if you are not with that person, or if that person is away but you still together, or if it is just complicated.... even if your heart is torn and it hurts so bad..... you learn to keep smiling and to do your best to be YOU again.

You can hangout but people doesn't know or maybe they do, that his/her name is in your mind wishing so many things.

After a while, you learn that after this you will never be the same, that you have changed and that your heart is not the same. That you will never forget this, that it will always be a part of you, and that you probably will never stop loving that person, because they took a piece of you with them.

You will never be the same.