Goodbye letter.

I'm not going to lie.

I have never been inlove as I did with you. I have had a crush or two maybe but I have never been inlove and felt loved as I did with you.

This started out of nowhere like something impossible and something actually beautiful. When I remember how our first date was, and all of the following dates, they were just the best.

You became a really good friend and maybe the best one I have had so far. I remember the talks, how they last hours and hours and we never got bored of each other. How we used to laugh , how you used to touch me, how I used to touch you, how you used to see me, with that look that burned me insided with passion, how we used to kiss each other in a timeless manner, and to realize how time was our enemy.

To find someone who thinks so alike and someone who has so many goals in common its so weird, so estrange.

You made me feel like nobody.
You changed me.
You gave me love and made me believe in me again.
You gave me strength.
And you taught me to never depend on anyone than yourself.

There is a fact that I will never be able change, my life will never be the same after this. I guess that nothing is actually the same after every second that dies, but this actually cause a revolt in me.

I am not the same. I have loved, I have never loved this hard. I didn't knew I was capable of loving so hard and that loving someone so hard and with so much passion will drain energy and that a part of your essence goes away with that love that you give.

The truth is that I have never thought of anybody as I have done it with you.

We are not together anymore. This great thing we had was cut because of the simple fact that your dreams started to become reality and I was not in the picture, because of the reality of the things and because you choose to focus in yourself before the world. This is not a complain just a description.

"     " (There goes your name) Thank you so much for all of the experience that you have given me. I want you to know that I don't work the way you do. It hurts me a lot, it hurts to think of you and to picture your smile and you sight. It hurts to remind you and remember every single moment we had. "     " I am not strong as you are, I am vulnerable now, I am learning to get over this, to get over you and to realize that I will never love someone else as hard as I have loved you. I want you to know that letting you go is one of the hardest things that I have done and that I am doing and fighting againts the nature of things every day is so exhausting.

I want you to know that I will never stop loving us, what we had, what we were. I will love you for the time that my life lasts. I am not being tragic, this is just me a person who writes to relieve pain.

I want you to know that is not hard, but that I am doing my best to be selfish and to be the better version of myself everyday. I want you to know that sometimes I can't handle it and you come to my mind and it feels good, and I don't want to apologize anymore for this that I feel.

I want you to know that I am learning so much from this and from you.

I want you to know that a piece of my, will be always with you.

Now, my friend. I have to try to move on. I have to be true to myself and to make my dreams come true too.

Te amo. Hasta pronto.

PD.

There is no need to reply, please let me close this, because this is my closure, I think you already did, this is my time, so don't take my moment away. Bye

Letter

I really would like to know all the answers.
Really, I would love that.
Stop wondering how it could be, or what if this or that would happen.
And believe me I would love to disappear sometimes from earth or just stop living and check if something would be different or if someone besides my mom and dad would miss me.

And I started to write this thinking that I wouldn't be writing another post complaining or describing how shitty I feel. And believe me I spent all my childhood years and some of my teen years at the psychologist and at the end she told me that nothing was wrong with me. She told me that I need it to believe in me and to go out there and conquer the world. Well...  my mind is just a mess right now. I don't even know where to start, how to start and where to continue.

I am listening to Heroes by David Bowie, and I started to cry while reading the lyrics. I think that I'm such a baby sometimes, but I feel so many things happening inside me sometimes that only when I cry I feel like if I release something from me. I can go to the gym and be there 3 hours exercising or I can smoke (cigs) and still feel the same, but crying ..... is like opening the door for the shit to come out.

I would love for you to hear me and to be there, and I would really love that you can think of me as I do, and that you can realize that I need your support as I have given you support in the past too. But when I try to be open with you, you think that I am criticizing you or demanding something from you, and I really don't get it, why are you so defensive and offensive all of the time, sometimes I just need you to listen and to say something but not relating everything to you, as if my whole life spins around yours. You are so fucking selfish sometimes, that you don't even bother to ask how is my day, and if you ask you just do it for being polite but honestly, you don't give a damn about my day. You are always speaking in english lately and if I give you this to read you won't read it because is in "english", just another excuse for evading or you don't realize of all what I feel. Of all of the previous posts that I have written about all that I feel, but Is very fucking hard to realize that I have a better relationship with my blog than my relationship with you, and to say that we are away and that things doesn't work so well because of that is kind of like giving up or just giving a crap for keeping a friendship.....or a relationship.

Maybe you don't realize about it, but I always listen to you, and I always care about you and support you, when you were here, when you leaved and now that you are there. I am just asking you a little bit of support from you, that you can be my friend not just my "hello, how was your day and this is the picture of the day" kind of friend or boyfriend, and if you will say something like "I think you will be better without me" well stop right there because I am with you now, and you could have told me that warning at the beggning of everything because sometimes all of this is kind of fucked up for me, because sometimes I am not getting anything from you but coldness and more and more barriers between us. And I am feeling more shits that you maybe know, or that you maybe just ignore but It would be fucking good if you could wonder on how I really feel sometimes, and hey I'm not asking you to be a "loving and amorous" person, I just want to see some real feelings from your side because it seems that I am the only one feeling something now.....It would be good just to be clear and well be there for each other you know, not just one way, because I need you just as you needed me before and just as I was there for you before......I don't need a self-centered egotistical person with me, I need a real person who can be there.

Melanchoshit

I really don't know what is happening inside.
I tried to not feel, the more I try the more I feel.
I order my brain to be blank but my heart refuse.

This has never happenned to me before.
What is this?
Is there any medicine or any way to fix it?
Why do I think I need to be fixed.
Everything is just too confusing.

From light to darkness
From sadness to happiness
From smiling to suddenly cry
From feeling determined to feel wrecked.

I want to scream.
I feel how my heart skip a beat.
I feel powerless.
I feel incomplete. Something in me is missing.

Will I ever find it?
Will I ever stop?
Can I make it stop?

When I think I moved on.
I fall, and then I fall again and this time deeper than before.
This is stupid.

Days are the longest.
Often this takes hours
Sometimes minutes
And almost never seconds.

This is not just melancholy.
This is melanchoshit.

A country walking to chaos.

One day I woke up and realize that I am living in a country going nowhere.

This is the country where I was born, but not the country where I want to belong.

I don't want to be part of this place. 

Should I feel bad about it, I guess I should but now is part of me and part of my motivation to keep fighting to reach my goals. 

I guess is just a feeling that many people have but no one says because it makes you a traitor. Well I'm a proud traitor of all the leaders and politicians who rules this beautiful country with amazing people.

Being yourself in this society is wild and is like if you are starting a revolution. 

We are so tired of politicians and their disgusting politics but we are so used to sit down and to watch how they keep being mediocres without us demanding better politicians and asking why nobody stand up and demand the real politics that we deserve.

 

What is wrong with this society, what is wrong with us? Do we like to live in a society that is not evolving or that is in chaos? 

Do we like to be one between thousands and see how others just think about their new shirt, their new phone or their new relationship. 

We live in a world and a society that needs our brain not our consumption and comatose opinion.

What is going to be of this place and this country in a few years? I'm afraid because I see the worst part coming: where there will be chaos, the violence will be something normal again and we will just get used to it. What about our humanity and why don't we demand security? 

The bridge between poors and wealthy people is getting bigger and the middle class is in between wondering if is the best to keep moving forward or just going back, because if you keep looking forward it seems that there is a pack of wolves waiting for you. 

This society is full of machism, religious intolerance, violence, gangs, corruption, narrowed minds and rich people without any type of humanism in their souls and so many politicians without any type of good principles. 

Now some people keep wondering why I want to get the heck out of this place. I can't even go out and walk without feeling chased or with paranoia and wondering if something bad will happen to me. 

Politicians don't know what is that, they use our taxes and our hard work to be secure in their shelters and their bubbles, reality is so much different. 

This country is going nowhere and if is going somewhere is to chaos. 

We deserve better.

You will never be the same

I didn't understand why love was so important for some people.
I didn't understand why it was so powerful in some people's feelings and behaviour.
I didn't know that one feeling could be so beautiful and so powerful, as well so complicated.

I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love because I didn't have the time for it.
I also remember that one of the feelings that I hate the most is to feel vulnerable, and I knew that at the moment I would fall in love I would be open and vulnerable, I don't know if describe it as an open wound but that's the best example I can think of by now.

Fire, it feels like fire, how runs through your veins and through your everything.....your soul, your heart, your brain..... how that fire makes you feel full of joy and happiness and how it burns.

All of the feelings has their good and bad sides, is like ying yang, everything in this world has its opposite. Love has hate. You cannot feel full of joy and happiness all of the time, the universe makes sure that we don't keep feeling like that all of the time so we don't forget our reality.

Nothing is perfect and as this post everything is a mess sometimes, you don't know where to begin, you don't know how it will grow and you don't fucking know how it will end.....therefore you are just a mess.

I'm not going to talk about the happiness and how beautiful love makes me feel. Because as you have been told and experienced it's fucking amazing........but the part that it hurts as lemon juice in a wound, that is the part that many avoid to talk about, the part where your brain gets lost and cloudy, the part when your heart really feels as a fucking mess where you feel your heart wounded and torn is the part that nobody talks about but cry and keep silence about.

Love is such a powerful feeling, it is more powerful than hate indeed. Love can blind you, can make you feel things that you would have never think they existed before. Is a feeling that has been the reason to create many shields in many hearts, so it won't make any damage any more, but even with a shield, love will find a way to get inside again, because it has never gone.

You try to clear your mind, the more you try, the stronger the memories and the feelings come back and crush you. Little by little you realize and learn that is not about forgeting or to just take it away, it takes a lot of courage to keep moving, because crying and feeling shit will not fix anything. Either if you are not with that person, or if that person is away but you still together, or if it is just complicated.... even if your heart is torn and it hurts so bad..... you learn to keep smiling and to do your best to be YOU again.

You can hangout but people doesn't know or maybe they do, that his/her name is in your mind wishing so many things.

After a while, you learn that after this you will never be the same, that you have changed and that your heart is not the same. That you will never forget this, that it will always be a part of you, and that you probably will never stop loving that person, because they took a piece of you with them.

You will never be the same.

Bienvenida vulnerabilidad.

- ¿Y vos qué contas?

* Me enamoré

- Fuck..... Que cierre de año tuvimos.

__________________________________________________________________________

No te esperaba, nunca pensé que llegarías o al menos no a esta edad, llegaste y pegaste fuerte.

"Pasa cuando menos lo esperas" - Nunca creí que fuera realidad, la escupida cayó.

Ahora entiendo con claridad ese fuego que te hace sentir mas vivo y que arrasa todo.

El miedo a ser vulnerable, supongo que al final todos somos vulnerables en ese aspecto de nuestras vidas.

No lo pude evitar, no quise luchar y por mucho que luches te consumirá y te atrapará.

Evitar enamorarse es imposible, la vulnerabilidad es inevitable.

¿Vulnerabilidad,  debilidad humana o humanidad?

La realidad es que tengo miedo, mucho. Detesto sentirme vulnerable, pero me gusta sentir esto.

Todo ha sido tan intenso, todo ha dejado y esta dejando marca en mi, me doy cuenta que esto cambiará mucho.

Soltero por elección y por cierre de mente a que no habría nadie que valía en mi entorno.

Supongo que la vida siempre le da vuelta a tus perspectivas y tus expectativas.

Empecé a amarte, a necesitarte y extrañarte. Me gustó.

Nunca te esperé, a veces te imagine, llegaste y revolucionaste esa parte incrédula de mi.

Me enamoré de ti, e hiciste que me enamorara también de mi.

El hecho que alguien tan raro como yo estuviera tan cerca de mi me dio esperanzas.

Ver como los dos tenemos objetivos en común, motivó mas mis sueños.

Lo inesperado pasó: 6,304 km nos separaron, físicamente y con ello una parte de mi.

Una parte de mi ya no era solo mía, y se fue con vos.

El fuego sigue, todo lo bueno no dura para siempre pero al menos durara toda mi vida.

Duele, pero también sé que una parte de tu ser esta conmigo.

El amor nos hace vulnerables, y si ese es el precio...... Bienvenida vulnerabilidad.

Sex is overrated.

I didn't have sex. I lied to my best friend, and to two of my closest friends. I didn't have sex with a turk, nor with a french, I did flirt with them, it was a funny night for about two weeks, flirt, touch, some kisses and smiles, but just a game, no sex. 
I lied because it seems that I still care what people will think of me, and in this case I didn't want it to be "the one without sex" but I realise now that I was just wrong and I did a stupid thing  and now I realise that I'm not proud of the lie, even tough is not that bad but still.....a lie!

Sex is overated, and I'm not saying it to justify my lie or the no sex in some people's life, my asexuality is a decision because I choose to stop being someone who just have sex for feeling some pleasure just becase, I decided to have the full package, someone who is worth it, I decided to stay single, to focus on me and to be inlove with my self before falling in love with someone else. 

I was tired to see how society moves around sex, being a cheater and just being a puta or a puto is not worth it. I felt empty and dirty after having a one night stand or just having something for fun, and most of the times having sex with someone I thought I was their date and actually it was just my mind playing with me. 

I got hurt because of sex, I have seen how many friends got hurt due to sex, I saw how one friend got an STD because of ......SEX. 
There are so many things that are more important than having sex, such as having a nice conversation, being with someone who actually THINKS, having a good connection, flirting, rimming and just playing, believe me now I know, I thought that I would never had an orgasm without sex.......but I guess I was WRONG. Yes you can have orgasms without sex and no I don't mean masturbation. If you don't believe it google it.

Sex is overated, people is just too superficial and in general, society is too damned worried about sex than for growing up. Girls always end up feeling something, guys always end up fucking around, lesbians and gays are even more horny than straight people so therefore there is more cheating, more people getting hurt, more dissappointment and more .....stds. 


So at the beggining I thought it would be so imposible to just not have sex, but then I just open my eyes and realise that I really need it a time with my self, only me, no one else, being alone!

Many times we start dating someone, you end up having sex and then you don't even know that person, then you go out with that person again, you have sex again, then you don't even talk anymore, you have amazing sex, then after a few months you realise that you have been just having sex and wasting your time, then you realise that you don't know that person at all and then you realise that "that" person is having sex with someone that is not you and then you feel betrayed for NOTHING. 

The world is crazy about sex, many people even get dressed for having a hook up and have sex one night, which I think is very stupid and lame. If you will go out, just do it for having fun, with your friend not for having sex!
So many friendships are destroyed because of sex, why do you get involved with the your bestfriend's ex? Or why do destroy your ex new relationship because you miss the sex, that's very lame and selfish!







I love the old school style. I like to wait, to know someone and that you have your first date and then you realise that is amazing to be spending time with that person, then when you kiss that person you realise that those are the best lips ever!

After a few dates you realise that those are the best kisses you have ever had and that you are all wet without cumming or maybe you already had but since you were so excited just having some kisses, you didn't realise about it because you were enjoying so much. Then you can do some oral skills (which I don't consider as sex?) And maaaaaaan it feels good to fall in love. 

Why society thinks too much about sex? When is pretty obvious that is not everything you need, no one has died by no having sex! Actually many, I'm sorry....MILLIONS have died because of SEX! (Google it)

Sex is overrated.