A conversation with myself

How do you know?


I know I can sound like a stupid romantic person, but how do you know who is the right person to know.
The process of dating involves time, patience, thoughts, feelings...how do you know, who is the correct person to invest all of those things....by dating a lot? Because if it is like that....I think that there are a lot of persons like me....


Me? How?
People that used to believe in love (And we keep believing but...), people that every day is less naive and less warm....that realice that knowing someone new is not the same that before, that knowing someone is just something......


(Quote that comes to my mind while I´m thinking what to write)


I think therefore I´m Single.


Next thought:


We have a little world, billions of humans, and no real love for one...




Is real love possible ? Or you just get in love and then you get used to that person, and then that feeling slowly dies and then you just don´t feel anything anymore......until you meet someone new.

Is that the cycle?




Which is the right place to know someone? A bar? The Club? At work? Really? Is so complicated....is just weird. And everytime is even more weird and awkward

I like to work, and I know how to do it and how to talk about it; but when love comes to the conversation is something that I really have not experienced yet (Of course you know which type of love I´m talking about)


When someone ask me:


What is love for you? Have you been inlove before? Are you inlove now?
My mind turns black......and I have no answer. That field in my life is empty. Is not written.


Relationships? Two


The longest one? 3 months


Why? Just did not work and did not worth it


Are you ready for a relationship? Well, How do you really know when you are ready?


Do you want just to know somebody or to have a real boyfriend? I have to know and then we can see...




Do you see yourself in a relationship? (This answer terrifies me) No, at least not for now.

Why? I want other things first.


But why? I do not want to invest time in somebody else when I have not finished what I want.


Can´t you have both things at the same time? I guess I could, but now I am not mature enough for having a relationship, having a job, my university, my family, my friends, my time.


Your time? Yes, my time.


What do you mean with "Your Time"?
My time is when I want to be just with My mind, my soul and my body.


What about sleeping with someone you could love?


I know it feels good, I know is something I enjoy. I have done that but just for the simple pleasure of feeling that and probably I enjoyed that person, but then the feeling becomes an empty feeling, the sensation goes away from me and I feel dirty. I can have sex and that is fine, but sleeping with someone .....is weird now. Sleeping with someone I could love, probably yes, but how do I know I will love that person? So if you don´t know, you are just simply sleeping with someone and that´s it. And sleeping with someone is really easy, you just have to like somebody and then you have sex and then you fall asleep....it might sound raw but that is what happens, and in my case that makes me feel dirty, empty, disgusted. I think I could avoid that feeling  just having sex and then say goodbye. But that is not me, See? How everything turns complicated?

From a simple question.....to a complicated answer. But I guess I want a real process before sleeping with someone I could love.




What do you mean by real process?
Having a first date! Having a second date! Having a third date! Having a fourth date and so on! And then just keep dating and make love and learn about the other person, falling in love you know?
Meet that person, enjoy the talk, love the conversation, see the shine in his eyes, see how passionate can be the first conversation, feeling that possible conexion.....if you do not feel that, you can avoid all the real process and just have sex if both want that.






Do you want to be loved?
I think I do. But  I am not like before, I do not trust anyone now. But the answer would be Yes.


How do you think that you will know that you just meet the person for having a " real process"?
I don´t really know. But I think that when that moment comes I will definitely know it. I think that the Universe, my soul, my mind and my body will let me know. Just as when you know you need water, I think I will know that I will need that person for real, not just like a soda, not like juice....need it as water, stupid but you got the idea, right?


So that is the way I think.......God I´m weird.


A conversation with myself. Too many ideas now, So my next entry will be soon......


.........I guess I just don´t know.

Over

I´m done!!!!
I´m fucking tired of feel sad because of an asshole!
Fuck that shit!
I´m done, this is over!

Totally fucking over!
I don´t want to think about you ever!!!!!!!
You are so out of my heart!

I already gave too much time, and beautiful words to you! again the feeling I have for you is: FUCK YOU!

To die alone

Today I had lunch with my grandparents, they are both admirable persons, who fight against the adversity and they still fighting for they marriage. I really love them, I think that older people are like diamonds, they worth so much, and once they are gone you can´t have them back, that knowledge is lost.

The conversation was about getting or not getting married. I think it started when I said: "I hope Johanna is doing the right thing by getting married so young (20 years) Then everything flow, and I realize that they just dont want for any of us (grandchildren) to end alone.

Then we started to talk about: LOVE

That word
                   That situation
                                           That feeling
                                                                  That meaning
                                                                                           That thing
                                                                                                              That unexpected
                                                                                                                                        That...strange word
                                                        Love is for everyone?

                                                                         NO

Anger

So, I tried to avoid an explosion of anger..........and it happenned.
Friday´s night, it was a great night. A couple of beers at my house, three friends, then we decided to go to the club. Guess who was there?........He
I did not care, because I mentalized that I would not care at all and that I was going to enjoy the night.....NOT
He came to say hi, I said hi and all my friends were nice.
Akward moment........I do not want to be with you, or to be talking with you boy, that is why I did not tell you anything about going out, I want to be far from you (of course I said that in my mind)
Then I think I was rude and he left to his table.......TG!
Then like one hour later he appeared again, he get him self in to the conversation and well my friends are polite and they include him to the conversation, so it was fine, why not..........right?
Then my friends said , lets go to another club, I said cool! Then he said.........yes! And my mind again.....Who the fuck invited you? No one here, so don´t make auto invitations ........damn it
And then we get in to the car of my friend and there he was, he left him where his car was parked, and he said goodby and I was happy because he leaveeeeeed!
But suddenly he appeared in the the other club and I was like pissed......why is he following me, why is he always behind, why you don´t understand that I want you far!
At the end of the night, when he was really drunk I was really mad and I sent him to his house, I did not stand to see him there.

IT was rude from me? Yes
     He decerve that? Super yes
No regrets............he screw my night so screw him!

Changes

Everything changes......the world moves on, people changes, my feelings changed, I changed... 


     Nothing is like it used to be.......definitely is not


The reality tells me that I will not be able to forget this soon, but eventually I will get over the situation.


     Being in love, with someone who worth it (at least that is what you think that it worth it) is the worst thing that happenned to me in the period of one year of a half already.


I was just 19 years old; I just wanted to feel loved, to know that someone needs me, but back to those days I think that is just really simple: You are not going to find the love of your life so soon...... 


         Every one of us knows what is the best and what is not, everybody can tell you when someone is good for you or not, your real friends will warn you and let you know that you are doing a mistake......but the heart, oh the heart is such a backstabber.


He knows that you are getting hurt by your own feelings, that you should not feel for that person....you become deaf and you don't listen any advice.


  It hurted me.
                         I injured my self.


                                                      My heart played with me.
                                                                                                  This is not fair.




Those were my thoughts............I was just too naive, and just needed to learn what life was about, not everything is about love and about finding your half.........everything is about to LIVE and to LEARN.


           Then I realice that he was there.......standing since two years ago, a listener and a watcher of my life.


He is just curious of life, of everything. I probably don't know what I want for my all life, but I admit that curiosity is something I miss sometimes; and I don't blame him for feeling like that. 


But I do blame him for the wrong expectations. I do blame him for playing with my heart and feelings....... to get satisfied his gay curiosity. 
Is not about if it is good or not...........is about thinking about what you are doing, about the damage that you can make in one life, how you can ruin one moment, how you can get in to someone's life and complicate that simple life. 


          That simple life I thought I had.....were if I wanted to have one night with someone I had it without drama.


                                                                  were love was just a play, and I was cold and never listened to my feelings. 
                                                              
                                                                  were I had a lot of fake friendship, but they were "my friends"


Of course........ I don't want that simple life, thanks to the things I have lived so far I know that our hearts don't play with us just to hurt us. They know what they do, they teach us....yes sometimes to the hard way, but that is the way that we learned.


Then your feelings change, and you realice that you are happy without those feelings you used to have, you realice that there stills love in your heart ........but not like you used to .........you changed, you learned.


And that is all about, learn from everything. Enjoy to cry, enjoy to be sad, enjoy to be happy, enjoy to have sex, enjoy to feel cheated, enjoy to feel depress so when you are feeling better you can realice that you are finally moving on. Enjoy the music in your life.......music can save, think about the soundtracks that you can have......and then you will realice that if you enjoy, you will learn from every failure, and you will realice that not all the failures are bad......that it is part of living. 


You will change, everyone will change, the world moves on.......so don't expect to feel, to want, to be......the same than  yesterday, because yesterday is gone.

Con el tiempo.....

Después de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre
sostener una mano y encadenar un alma,
Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas,
y uno empieza a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos,
y uno aprende a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy,
porque el terreno de mañana es demasiado inseguro para planes...
y los futuros tienen una forma de caerse en la mitad.
Y después de un tiempo uno aprende que si es demasiado,
hasta el calor del sol quema.
Así que uno planta su propio jardín y decora su propia alma,
en lugar de esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.
Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno realmente es fuerte,
que uno realmente vale, y uno aprende y aprende... y con cada día uno aprende.
Con el tiempo aprendes que estar con alguien porque te ofrece un buen futuro
significa que tarde o temprano querrás volver a tu pasado.
Con el tiempo comprendes que sólo quien es capaz de quererte con tus defectos,
sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad que deseas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estás al lado de esa persona sólo por acompañar tu soledad,
irremediablemente acabarás deseando no volver a verla.
Con el tiempo entiendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados,
y que el que no lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se verá rodeado sólo de amistades falsas.
Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en un momento de ira
pueden seguir lastimando a quien heriste, durante toda la vida.
Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar cualquiera lo hace,
pero perdonar es sólo de almas grandes.
Con el tiempo comprendes que si has herido a un amigo duramente,
muy probablemente la amistad jamás volverá a ser igual.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta que aunque seas feliz con tus amigos,
algún día llorarás por aquellos que dejaste ir.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona es irrepetible.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser humano,
tarde o temprano sufrirá las mismas humillaciones o desprecios, multiplicados al cuadrado.
Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas o forzarlas a que pasen
ocasionará que al final no sean como esperabas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que en realidad lo mejor no era el futuro,
sino el momento que estabas viviendo justo en ese instante.
Con el tiempo aprenderás que intentar perdonar o pedir perdón,
decir que amas, decir que extrañas, decir que necesitas,
decir que quieres ser amigo, ante una tumba, ya no tiene ningún sentido, ya es tarde,
nunca dejes que algo te sea demasiado tarde.
Pero desafortunadamente, LO APRENDERAS sólo con el tiempo...

Jorge Luis Borges