Best Friends & Lovers

The path, the love.....

So this is the situation, I have been inlove with this person since november last year. I did not know I was inlove or that I have feelings for him at the beggining, I realized about it later.........when I could not stop thinking about him and then I realize of it, of the situation where I was. 


This is something I like......because my heart worth it, has a great value, and if someday my heart belongs to someone has to be someone that makes me feel happy without being in a relationship....and if someday we can be in that point of being in a relationship it would be an honor for me to be in that situation with him. 



Is good to realize and to be proud to know your self, to know that you worth it. TO know that I have learned how to stay away from stupid love games, or to be played, because I´m tired of stupid bullshits from people who just like to play, and never have a target or never know what they want. 

I have become someone rude with people that thinks that life is just about fucking, drinking or besides working just getting party everyday. I know that I´m just 21 years old, but age doesnt mean that you will behave stupid. And well, I have known people that their attitude is like if they are 15 when they are 30 and it doesnt look good, they might think is good, but life is not about being stupid or looking like that. 


Now I know what I want, I was hanging out with this guy for two weeks, and I realized that I am really fine being alooooooooooone without stupid guys around me. I have the friends I want and I need. I am inlove with someone that really worth and I don´t care to wait, I don´t mind to be in love with him even if nothing happens, but it worth it.......it worth every fucking second! 


I´m tired of people that is really careless about their lifes and well I´m just not in to it..........I know that Im growing, and as Im becoming a better person (Fighting everyday to be a better person) bad things and friendships that still mediocres will stay away as well. 



Your friends do have a big influence in your life and believe me, I have learned that. Now I know what I want, and my friends should be persons that want to become successful persons, people that appreciate every fucking second, that thinks about getting better, to get a better life, to get what they want making the correct thing: Working hard. In other words if they don´t want to grow and improve everyday well ......I will stop consider them as my friends. And is really simple now, if they do not want that.......they are not my friends. I have learned when to let go something that doesn´t worth it, and sometimes friendships or possible loves are just a waste of time. 

From now on I will invest my time in things that worth it: my family, my job, my university, my real friends, and the love I want. 
I know that might be something stupid saying that I´m in love of a possible situation, but you know what! Being with this ilussion makes me learn everyday that I deserve someone like that! Someone who is intelligent, who wants to improve, who is hungry for greatness and that is freaking cute and handsome!  



I don´t know the way love works, I have never been in a real relationship, I don´t know if someday I will be in a real relationship. I don´t know if someday I will be madly inlove with someone, probably I won´t never be inlove......but I do know that I´m feeling good and that this is what it matters.....Living to enjoy life, to have targets, working hard for getting  what I want.........but still....knowing that Happiness is not a emotional state where you suddenly be in.......is something that you have to earn, and fuck it worth it, and I don´t care anymore about stupid things or people that doesn´t have to be taken serious, because my time is precious  and I can´t be wasting my essence in that. 

This is what I consider a right path, and the love I want. I know my path might change.......but for something better of course! 

The secret of: what if?.

Is difficult, is hard, it hurts and its stupid at the same time.
                The what if is consuming my soul...........
                                 My mind and heart keeps you around me.
                                                  They bring you over me.........


What if the ilussion becomes a reality?
What if the kiss in the dream happens?
What if  finally you and I love each other?
What if we finally make love?


This stupid what if.........



Let me tell you a secret, let me tell you what happens when my mind, my heart and my soul becomes in one and think about the: What if?

We all know how the story starts:
                              

  I´m secretly in love with you......you are secretly in love with me

Discreetly, I try to see you every day and see how beautiful, how smart and how intriguing you are

Discreetly I know you see me too 

You try to teach me things I can improve

How I can improve my life

How I can be my self

but secretly 

you want to tell me

how much you love me

how much you want to kiss me

how much you desire make love with me

and just to be with me so I can kiss you and then make love again

Sometimes we play

you see me

I see you

I try to make you laught just to see you smiling

You try to be annoying so you can irritate me

But we both know 

We both do that

 because you and I love the way we look and the way that we react 

Nobody knows that you are in love with me

Nobody knows that we make love

Nobody knows that you need me

Nobody knows that you feel happy when you are with me

Nobody knows that you feel afraid of your feelings sometimes 

Nobody knows the love game that we are playing

You have your time.... your space

I love that

So I know that you won´t suck my life, time and space

And you never say it

but secretly

you love that I have my own space and time

because you love to know that even if I am not with you

I´m thinking about you 

as you are thinking about me

Secretly you know it

you will never say it

but you love me

Discreetly Secretly you know 

that

I love you

This is the stupid love story that occurs when my mind, my heart and my soul conspire against me, so I can feel powerless against them, against my own feelings and against the what if,  that secretly we know could happen......

This is the story and secret of my:  What if............

                                                

The review: Project 30 days/30 ways

After the 30 days/30 ways projet I have learned that if you want something, you can get it, you just have to fight for it. There are situations in life where you will be able to proof your self with challenges:  a new job, a new position in your current job, a family, a relationship, a break up; all type of situations you can handle. But will you be prepared for those situations where nobody will warn you at all. 

That is why I want to start to test my self with things that are under my control. Some targets where achieved and some others.........well I have to keep working on them so I can change them or control (in the case of feelings and certain behaviours)

About the things that were on the list of "inner being" I feel really free, and I learned to live my life without too much pressure, even if I have a lot of pressure on it. 

1- Hot tempered: I am more patient now, but still need to work on it so I can improve. Because I still reacting with a bad mood or attitude to some non-sense questions and dumb situations that some people can not handle or doesn´t know after repeating it 5 times. I need to be even more patient though.

2- Definitely more tolerant than what I use to be.

3- Now Discrete, from all the mistakes that I use to make, this is the one where I improve more I´ve changed a     lot on this one. Now supervisors, friends and family trust me more than ever. I would keep improving, of course.

4- Careless: I take care more of my life now, I think about my health, try to exercise every time I have the chance, try to call to my parents to check if they are doing well, and just to talk with them.I have not drink alcohol at all. I´m trying to improve at my work, trying to learn everything I can, try to expose so they can notice what I do and the good Im on it (not for being cocky but I am good) and careless is the less I am now.

5- Selfish: Not at all, I share my life with the people I really care, however I do become a distant, reserved and reticent person with those whot I don´t want in my life anymore, so I hope they get the idea without the necessity of saying something.

6- Sometimes unprofessional: Well this is a huge 180 degrees twist, I became a workaholic now, of course it doesn´t mean that will make me professional, but It makes me appreciate my job more than ever and to take it seriously and to do my best the best way I can so I can see the results of my own effort. And the best of all....people (all kind, from Supervisors, bigg boss to mortals like me) see my hard work and big effort now. I hope that in a near future this effort worth it. I have realized that every good effort you make in your life to improve it, is rewarded, sometimes not the way you expected but the good things you do, always come back with good things to your life. 

Now about my "healthy targets" I achieved and failed the next:

1- I have now 3 months without drinking alcohol and feel so happy for it. I don´t even feel atracted to it anymore.

2- I could not quit smoking, I definitely will take this as my bigger concern and will try to change it all the time. 

3- I have stopped eating junk food, I learned to eat healthier and if I eat junk food.........just doing it once  per week, and just one food. 

4- I exercise at least 4 days of every week. From 30 minutes to 1:30 hour. 

5- I do eat healthier.

6- And the best of this achievements: I LOST WEIGHT: 21 POUNDS actually!

I could not write every day becasue my laptop crashed and is history now. SO I had to wait to sit in my parents desktop computer to write about it. 

Now my next challenge starts: To lose 15 more pounds, to become a less hot tempered person, and to improve the things I achieved so far!

I did improve many things I wanted to improved, now I feel healthier, happier, and so relaxed. As I wrote before, I am learning to see all the good things on life, even if sometimes dark times and difficult situations appears......life keep running, so I have to learn to run with life and do not be defeated for the situations I will face. Life is getting better for me, and I think that the effort totally worth it. 

This new week is running already............so new challenges here we go! 

Project: 30 days/30 ways

I want to start a personal project that will last 30 days. I want to do this project because I want to be a better person, change some bad habits, attitudes, and also I want to do this to be a healthier person and to remove or at least start to go over somethings that hurts and annoys me really deep inside. 

What I will try to learn and get from this 30 days project will be improving my way to be as a person, as a son, as a worker and the best of all to be fine with my self. Be happy with who I am and learn even more from everything, because as I heard from someone once: "Every day above ground is a good day" so every day is a gift and I want to learn and keep the good things from everyday and improve what I can improve. 

I´m 21 years old now, and personally I don´t think thats an excuse anymore to justify mistakes or stupid behaviours. 

In order to improve my inner being I want to learn to be more: Tolerant, Patient, Cautious, Humble, proactive  and to give my best on everything.

I´ve identified some of my weaknesses that I want to fight and learn on how to handle them or changing those "bad" qualities into a good thing:

1- Hot tempered

2- Intolerant

3- indiscreet

4- careless

5- selfish

6- Sometimes unprofessional. 

Those would be related to the things I want to improve for my inner being. 

Then If I talk about what I want to change about being a healthy person: 

1- Not drinking alcohol (I have 2 months sober already)

2- Quit smokig

3- Stop eating junk food

4- Exercising at least 30 minutes per day (One month already doing)

5- Eat healthier

6- Lose (At least) 15 pounds weight in 30 days

In order to get more focus on my goals for this project I will:

Fast for three days starting tomorrow.

Read proverbs during that period as well.

Write and post every day about the experience I had every day, as a Journal.

Check if my goals are being acomplished every ten days 

This day is ending already, this will start tomorrow so more changes are coming and 

more improvement has to be done. 

All of this just to be better with my self........

Because at the end if you are not fine with your self.

 Will you be able to be fine with someone else?

Melancholy

Melancholy...a sadness that comes in the night, when we're all alone under the canopy of a million stars, that feeling of loneliness that sometimes makes me wish to have a love in my life. That state that makes me want to be loved.....that feeling that appears.........sometimes.


That sometimes seems to be happening more often that usual, that usual makes me feel unsecure. 
Because now Usual seems to be sometimes and sometimes seems to be.......something unknown.


The unknown is terrifying to me, is something I just don´t like, because it makes me feel like going anywhere or to a lot of places but without knowing where!


Melancholy........one feeling that I hate and I love...........I guess!

The fear, the unknown and the feelings

I have been thinking about you.

Thinking every day

Is this an obsession?

This long crush

Your stupid beauty

When I see you

When you touch me

When you see me

When you are next to me

I feel

I hate to feel

Feeling love for someone makes me vulnerable

Makes me write shit about love

This stupid behavior

When I start to think about a possibility

This shit called: feelings

Feelings that you make me feel!

Thinking too much about you makes me act like an idiot

Constantly thinking about you makes me want to kiss you

I could take you to the stars and let you there so I know you are far from me so I won´t see you anymore therefore probably I  could stop this feelings for you……but then probably I will go to the stars again so I could be with you, just the two of us!

I don´t want to think about you

This thoughts just comes like a rush

They never ask me permission

They are so rebels, they just show off and disappear when I don’t expect

This could happen

It could be

There is a possibility

It might

There is chance………..but this fear

The fear

Makes me doubt

Makes me feel incapable

Makes me ….. nothing

A part of me wants you………then the other one says It is just an illusion

You don´t know, but I think I have feelings for you

You don´t know, but I constantly think about you

You don’t know, but I think I could be in love with you

You don´t know, but you make me feel vulnerable

I really don´t know …… If this will start or end some day