Again

I really didn't choose to open my heart and this to happen again. Falling for you after 6 years of not falling for someone, and that someone 6 years ago was my very first love. As you can see I don't have as much experience as you have. My trajectory has been very rough. I didn't choose to leave where I am from, the place wants my existence to be erase, I don't count. I just count every election, period so my taxes can be collected and the stolen, I didn't choose to be a foreigner and to not have a family, although having a family can be weird since also I didn't happen to choose being who I am. I really haven't chosen many things in my life, you see most of the time I have acted as a reaction. There was one day last year, I lost my previous job and spent 3 months without a job. I decided to fight for everything from that day instead of events, jobs, lovers to choose me. Because I was getting tired. Also I realized and somehow I have always know how my depression has always been there, more like a hidden dark part of me, and I won't call it monster because monsters are scary, I guess depression is like a drug, and it was just growing stronger in the background of the many walls I built on top of it so I wouldn't acknowledge it. See unlike you, you have done many of your decisions instead of they choosing you .
I'm choosing you. I'm choosing to stay at this job and be better. I'm choosing to be aware and embrace my depression in order for me to defeat it and move from it, because I do want to keep moving. The thing is that I'm also happening to realize that what I'm feeling is again mine, my, and its my own experience. This won't make much sense, because as me right now, this is nonsense, it's a mess, it's all over, it's without edit.
This thing about lovers and love.
See, life has taught me not to fully trust anyone. Because I have been hurt, betrayed, damaged by the closest ones not by the ones who hate me. The close ones are the ones who damage and hurt you the most.
I'm very vulnerable. I don't think I have ever been so vulnerable and depressed in my entire life. The point that I want to go and drink to forget, get hight to relieve the pain, cry when I feel hopeless, spin around the same thought when I'm frustrated, create scenarios thanks to my uncontrolled anxiety, feeling pain from scars I thought were closed many many years ago.
And it seems I don't learn. Because in this moment is when I feel the most alone. And I think of you because my heart feels you, and right now I'm in the subway on 86th Street crying in the NYC subway, in the middle of strangers but they don't care, because that's how we deal with our shit in this city, we cry in front of everyone but we can still be invisible.
I keep saying to myself I'm not depressed, that I'm just having an episode, that it's the winter, but I also know it isn't truth, I know this is getting worst.
And I don't know if this is my deep point on this crisis or if I still have to fall more, but I'm ok with it, because I'm already in pain and in a dark place. And I think I'm writing this to you because I don't know why, I guess I want you to understand how broken and vulnerable I feel, because I feel I'm shattered and in pieces, and I'm sorry you are being part of my life in this moment because it isn't fair, I'm really trying to hold myself together. I go to sleep every night and hoping to sleep to shut down, but somehow sometimes life doesn't even give me that. I drink pills to sleep because it seems it's the only way.
I don't know if you'll read this, I just want you to know I don't want your pittiness, your distance, or your pain for me. I just feel I personally am not good for you neither for me. Not right now, and I'm not asking for you to leave me, not for you to stop, not breaking up, I just want to know you will fight for me and hold me, because I feel I'm being hold in a very thin line before falling and who know, breaking for real and I don't want to know. I think I love me, and I think I'm done for today. I needed to write this, I think this will maintain me for today. And as I've always said: Everyday a little death.
I'm home now. I feel everything right now, and it's coming out from my eyes, I will take a shower, take two sleeping pills, and hopefully will be over soon for tonight. Then tomorrow just a day closer from everything to be better, because I know it will. There is no night that last forever.