Stand up! Volunteering time!

Hi Blog!

I haven't been able to write in a while because unfortunately my roommate's pet "Mickey" ate and broke my laptop cable and I haven't been able to look for a replacement (I know I just have been poor and lazy) but I hope to be able to post more now.

After my assault there were dark times. I started to come out of the shadows by addressing my PTSD and depression and looked for help. My social worker recommended to contact the Anti Violence Project of New York City to help me with my hate crime and to look for help with them.
I was afraid to contact anyone just because of many things going on my head to be honest, which none of them seems relevant now but were by that time.

I contacted AVP as recommended and I spoke with the Hotline and they helped me to get counseling and help within the organization. This was my first time reaching my own community (LGBTQI), and I was there looking for help, because after seeing Queer As Folk and seeing how Justin was assaulted and became a hate crime victim, and watched how Jenny Schecter was victim of  hate along with Moire in the L Word, you just never think that you will be on that side of the picture. The side of the picture where you are not a viewer; I was on the side where you are a victim and a survivor, where you become Jenny Schecter, Justin, Matthew Shepard and you become someone different not because you wanted, but because of intolerance, hatred and ignorance won in one person or in many people.

They started to give me counseling and I started to talk about how I feel and what was going on within me. Which is still weird to be honest, talk about an incident that you don't remember either because my brain blocked every type of memories regarding the incident or because of the concussion that took me to have short term memory loss. Its still shocking sometimes when I remember how I woke up in the hospital and not knowing anything at all, that you just are there laying in a bed at an unknown hospital and wondering "What the hell happened" and then your Dr. (which was very cute) tells you: "You were a hate crime victim, we checked and did all necessary tests and you are relatively fine. Unfortunately it seems that you suffered short term memory loss and you were unconscious".

WHAT?

Exactly. I felt so powerless, so weak, so like if it wasn't real, I just wanted it to be a really bad dream....but It wasn't. It wasn't at all. After all what I have gone through and this now. "What a luck"
I wrote a few post in the past regarding this I think. This post is not about all the traumas, insecurities, anxiety and everything related to suffer from PTSD. It is about how I started to feel....RAGE.

Little by little, I started to consume myself. Realizing that I wasn't going somewhere and that I was being eaten alive by myself. SO I decided to work on me and act on me, because I decided and I still repeat this to myself everyday: I AM WORTH IT.

I started to work in my case. But I realized that I was missing something and that I was feeling something at the same time: I wasn't and I won't allow anybody to lay a finger on me or to disrespect me in any way from now on, for being who I am or just because. I realized that I don't want this to happen to ANYBODY. Not just to me again, but just not to anybody!

I decided to belong, to be part of my community. Stop being a survivor and start doing something. SO I decided to volunteer. And it has been the best decision to be made again!

I volunteered in the past and it changed my life. You become this aware being, who is aware of what is happening in the world, but not just aware, but you feel everything what happens in your community. You have the passion, you feel the fire and you feel empowered by others when they go through the same and when you realize you are not alone.

I have never felt more empowered than helping the community, and what a way to do it before PRIDE in NYC :)

But also something different was growing within me: RAGE, PASSION, ANGER AND STRENGTH. And it feels overwhelming.
I can describe it like this:

RAGE: But not violent rage, more like organized rage. I don't even know if the concept exist but that is how I called it "Organized Rage". Rage to organize the community and be involved

PASSION: Once you are able to be out. I saw my community, I saw myself in every LGBTQ person out there. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.....I became my passion, they became my passion. My community is my passion now :)

ANGER: AKA as my fuel, my fire what feeds my passion and my rage. Being Anger all the time as the hulk makes you aware of everything around you, not only aware but awaken and to be ready. Ready for anything, ready to act up, to defend yourself and to speak up when is necessary!

STRENGTH: Every day you become more of those three factors, but within strength you have ........LOVE. You become stronger, because what doesn't kill you, if you learn makes you stronger and open minded to learn from the world.

I share this. Because it is necessary, because the world doesn't stop for anybody. The world continue spinning and we are the ones who decide to keep walking or to stay and see how everyone else lives, or to live a really meaningful life with purpose to make this place a a better place. Even when you think it doesn't count.......you can inspire, you can motivate, you can empower, you can help and you can be just support :)

Being overwhelmed is fine.

Taking the decision was hard. Walking alone and in solitude can be hard sometimes. Having a life and build a new one from scratch is not an easy thing. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed because there is nothing wrong with it. Every person is a different world and even if I feel like if I am alone and having no idea of what I do sometimes, I know I'm not alone. You owe no explanations to nobody, and if there is someone who think is the wisest being on earth because he/her/they/their overcome their issues can fuck themselves very much. Because every experience and person is different. And if someone thinks life works just one way for everybody they will see how I just put them away from my life. Some people think they are not negative. They claim they aren't but they are just full of shit and lies, they are manipulative and they just try to control and say to people what is wrong with them so they can feel good with themselves. Because they will never be able to look at themselves in the mirror and change. It is easier for them to judge than changing their own shit.
You'll find every type of person in the world. Surround with those who will help you to move forward in life, if you have nobody don't worry. Is better to be alone than with worthless people around you. ‪#‎NYC‬ ‪#‎Life‬ ‪#‎LifeIsAJourney‬