I really would like to know all the answers.
Really, I would love that.
Stop wondering how it could be, or what if this or that would happen.
And believe me I would love to disappear sometimes from earth or just stop living and check if something would be different or if someone besides my mom and dad would miss me.
And I started to write this thinking that I wouldn't be writing another post complaining or describing how shitty I feel. And believe me I spent all my childhood years and some of my teen years at the psychologist and at the end she told me that nothing was wrong with me. She told me that I need it to believe in me and to go out there and conquer the world. Well... my mind is just a mess right now. I don't even know where to start, how to start and where to continue.
I am listening to Heroes by David Bowie, and I started to cry while reading the lyrics. I think that I'm such a baby sometimes, but I feel so many things happening inside me sometimes that only when I cry I feel like if I release something from me. I can go to the gym and be there 3 hours exercising or I can smoke (cigs) and still feel the same, but crying ..... is like opening the door for the shit to come out.
I would love for you to hear me and to be there, and I would really love that you can think of me as I do, and that you can realize that I need your support as I have given you support in the past too. But when I try to be open with you, you think that I am criticizing you or demanding something from you, and I really don't get it, why are you so defensive and offensive all of the time, sometimes I just need you to listen and to say something but not relating everything to you, as if my whole life spins around yours. You are so fucking selfish sometimes, that you don't even bother to ask how is my day, and if you ask you just do it for being polite but honestly, you don't give a damn about my day. You are always speaking in english lately and if I give you this to read you won't read it because is in "english", just another excuse for evading or you don't realize of all what I feel. Of all of the previous posts that I have written about all that I feel, but Is very fucking hard to realize that I have a better relationship with my blog than my relationship with you, and to say that we are away and that things doesn't work so well because of that is kind of like giving up or just giving a crap for keeping a friendship.....or a relationship.
Maybe you don't realize about it, but I always listen to you, and I always care about you and support you, when you were here, when you leaved and now that you are there. I am just asking you a little bit of support from you, that you can be my friend not just my "hello, how was your day and this is the picture of the day" kind of friend or boyfriend, and if you will say something like "I think you will be better without me" well stop right there because I am with you now, and you could have told me that warning at the beggning of everything because sometimes all of this is kind of fucked up for me, because sometimes I am not getting anything from you but coldness and more and more barriers between us. And I am feeling more shits that you maybe know, or that you maybe just ignore but It would be fucking good if you could wonder on how I really feel sometimes, and hey I'm not asking you to be a "loving and amorous" person, I just want to see some real feelings from your side because it seems that I am the only one feeling something now.....It would be good just to be clear and well be there for each other you know, not just one way, because I need you just as you needed me before and just as I was there for you before......I don't need a self-centered egotistical person with me, I need a real person who can be there.
