The secret of: what if?.

Is difficult, is hard, it hurts and its stupid at the same time.
                The what if is consuming my soul...........
                                 My mind and heart keeps you around me.
                                                  They bring you over me.........


What if the ilussion becomes a reality?
What if the kiss in the dream happens?
What if  finally you and I love each other?
What if we finally make love?


This stupid what if.........



Let me tell you a secret, let me tell you what happens when my mind, my heart and my soul becomes in one and think about the: What if?

We all know how the story starts:
                              

  I´m secretly in love with you......you are secretly in love with me

Discreetly, I try to see you every day and see how beautiful, how smart and how intriguing you are

Discreetly I know you see me too 

You try to teach me things I can improve

How I can improve my life

How I can be my self

but secretly 

you want to tell me

how much you love me

how much you want to kiss me

how much you desire make love with me

and just to be with me so I can kiss you and then make love again

Sometimes we play

you see me

I see you

I try to make you laught just to see you smiling

You try to be annoying so you can irritate me

But we both know 

We both do that

 because you and I love the way we look and the way that we react 

Nobody knows that you are in love with me

Nobody knows that we make love

Nobody knows that you need me

Nobody knows that you feel happy when you are with me

Nobody knows that you feel afraid of your feelings sometimes 

Nobody knows the love game that we are playing

You have your time.... your space

I love that

So I know that you won´t suck my life, time and space

And you never say it

but secretly

you love that I have my own space and time

because you love to know that even if I am not with you

I´m thinking about you 

as you are thinking about me

Secretly you know it

you will never say it

but you love me

Discreetly Secretly you know 

that

I love you

This is the stupid love story that occurs when my mind, my heart and my soul conspire against me, so I can feel powerless against them, against my own feelings and against the what if,  that secretly we know could happen......

This is the story and secret of my:  What if............

                                                

The review: Project 30 days/30 ways

After the 30 days/30 ways projet I have learned that if you want something, you can get it, you just have to fight for it. There are situations in life where you will be able to proof your self with challenges:  a new job, a new position in your current job, a family, a relationship, a break up; all type of situations you can handle. But will you be prepared for those situations where nobody will warn you at all. 

That is why I want to start to test my self with things that are under my control. Some targets where achieved and some others.........well I have to keep working on them so I can change them or control (in the case of feelings and certain behaviours)

About the things that were on the list of "inner being" I feel really free, and I learned to live my life without too much pressure, even if I have a lot of pressure on it. 

1- Hot tempered: I am more patient now, but still need to work on it so I can improve. Because I still reacting with a bad mood or attitude to some non-sense questions and dumb situations that some people can not handle or doesn´t know after repeating it 5 times. I need to be even more patient though.

2- Definitely more tolerant than what I use to be.

3- Now Discrete, from all the mistakes that I use to make, this is the one where I improve more I´ve changed a     lot on this one. Now supervisors, friends and family trust me more than ever. I would keep improving, of course.

4- Careless: I take care more of my life now, I think about my health, try to exercise every time I have the chance, try to call to my parents to check if they are doing well, and just to talk with them.I have not drink alcohol at all. I´m trying to improve at my work, trying to learn everything I can, try to expose so they can notice what I do and the good Im on it (not for being cocky but I am good) and careless is the less I am now.

5- Selfish: Not at all, I share my life with the people I really care, however I do become a distant, reserved and reticent person with those whot I don´t want in my life anymore, so I hope they get the idea without the necessity of saying something.

6- Sometimes unprofessional: Well this is a huge 180 degrees twist, I became a workaholic now, of course it doesn´t mean that will make me professional, but It makes me appreciate my job more than ever and to take it seriously and to do my best the best way I can so I can see the results of my own effort. And the best of all....people (all kind, from Supervisors, bigg boss to mortals like me) see my hard work and big effort now. I hope that in a near future this effort worth it. I have realized that every good effort you make in your life to improve it, is rewarded, sometimes not the way you expected but the good things you do, always come back with good things to your life. 

Now about my "healthy targets" I achieved and failed the next:

1- I have now 3 months without drinking alcohol and feel so happy for it. I don´t even feel atracted to it anymore.

2- I could not quit smoking, I definitely will take this as my bigger concern and will try to change it all the time. 

3- I have stopped eating junk food, I learned to eat healthier and if I eat junk food.........just doing it once  per week, and just one food. 

4- I exercise at least 4 days of every week. From 30 minutes to 1:30 hour. 

5- I do eat healthier.

6- And the best of this achievements: I LOST WEIGHT: 21 POUNDS actually!

I could not write every day becasue my laptop crashed and is history now. SO I had to wait to sit in my parents desktop computer to write about it. 

Now my next challenge starts: To lose 15 more pounds, to become a less hot tempered person, and to improve the things I achieved so far!

I did improve many things I wanted to improved, now I feel healthier, happier, and so relaxed. As I wrote before, I am learning to see all the good things on life, even if sometimes dark times and difficult situations appears......life keep running, so I have to learn to run with life and do not be defeated for the situations I will face. Life is getting better for me, and I think that the effort totally worth it. 

This new week is running already............so new challenges here we go!